Page 94 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
Despite my best efforts, I am loved.
“Do I have to go away again?” I ask as tears cling to my lashes, already knowing the answer.
“We found your note, mijo. You really need to get help,” Mami says.
I let out a resigned sigh. I tried to end it tonight. Of course they’re going to send me away. I don’t know what else I could have expected.
I move to get up, but Yami puts a hand on my shoulder.
“You should rest. There’s no rush to get up right now,” she says.
Then I just burst out crying. I don’t know if I have it in me to ask for help. But I can ask for one thing. “I just want a fucking hug,” I whimper, and Jamal takes one of my hands while Abuela takes the other, and they help me to stand.
As soon as I’m out of the bed, all four of them gently wrap their arms around me, while Avery awkwardly pats my back. Then I can’t help it. I start sobbing uncontrollably, held on my own two feet only by the strength of the embrace.
34
When God Is God and the Universe and Science and Me and Him
Questioning
It isn’t until the next night that I’m cleared to leave the regular hospital and go to the mental one. I walk like a zombie as I’m led down the hall by a staff member, trying my best to ignore the pain brought on by the movement. It’s only around ten, but everyone besides the staff is already asleep or pretending to be.
“Here’s your bed,” the lady says as she leads me into a room, gesturing to one of two uncomfortable-looking cots. The other one has a big blanket lump on it, which may or may not have a human underneath. Whoever’s bed that is must have brought their own blanket or had someone else bring it, because the one onmycot is abysmally thin in comparison.
Another staff member walks past the door, and the lady helping me leans out to talk to him. “One of the phones is missing. Keep an eye out on your rounds.”
I kind of surprise myself at how annoyed I am by that. If someone’s hogging one of the phones, it’ll be that much harder to get a call in. I didn’t realize I even wanted to talk to anyone until the option was harder to grasp.
The woman turns back to me and starts giving me the rundown of what to expect, but I’m in way too much pain right now to be bothered to listen. Besides, I’ve been here before, so I don’t really need to be briefed. The pain in my ribs reminds me why I’m here in the first place. God gave me the sign I’d been waiting for this whole time. I was supposed to end things, and I failed. Not only that, but I brought Jamal and Avery into it.
When I finally get left alone, I make my way to the cot and ease myself to sit at the edge. I’m about to brace myself to lie down when I notice something peeking out from the edge of my roommate’s blanket lump.
Looks like the phone hoarder is in the room.
When the staff inevitably finds it or it gets returned, I just know they’re gonna start cracking down on phone use because of this. So I decide to seize the opportunity while it’s here. I creep toward the other bed and gently ease the phone out from under the blankets.
Not even a stir.
Relieved, I go back to my own bed and dial the first number that comes to mind. My stomach sinks further down with every ring. All two of them.
“Hello?” Jamal finally answers, but it takes me a few seconds before I can bring myself to say anything back.
“...Aren’t you scared?” I finally whisper, gripping the phone tight.
“Cesar? What are you talking about?”
“It’s me, yeah....” For some reason, hearing Jamal’s voice makes my own words that much harder to get out. I try to bringmyself to speak, but all that leaves my mouth is one shaky breath after another.
“Nick and his friends already got arrested. They can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe now.” Jamal’s voice is comforting, even if the words make no difference.
“No, not that,” I say. “I mean, I’m pretty sure we’re both going to hell... aren’t you scared?”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Jamal answers. I don’t know how he manages to disagree without ever sounding argumentative.
“Why?” I ask.
“Okay, so...” He pauses for a moment, and I can so clearly picture him adjusting his glasses as he tries to figure out how to say what he’s thinking. “From what I’ve heard, God is everywhere, all the time, right? Like, an intrinsic part of every aspect of life as we know it. There’s no beginning and no end to his existence? So, if you think about it, isn’t God just... the universe? Is the universe really that rigid about who we happen to fuck or fall in love with?”
