Page 73 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“So, remember how I was talking about Abuela and how lonely she must be when we’re not here? But the thing is, I only stay herewhen I’m in trouble, and how am I supposed to finish my secret project if I’m always grounded? Do you know how hard it is to doanythingwithout that woman knowing?”
“Wait, are your plan and your secret project the same thing?” I ask. Moni really is allergic to providing context.
“No.Theplan, which I called to tell you about, is about Abuela. The secret project is about my dad.”
“Should I even ask if it’s a secret?”
“Top secret. But yes, you should ask, I’m dying to tell someone.” She doesn’t wait for me to ask before diving in. “So I think the reason my dadreallydoesn’t want to pay for my college unless it’s a music program is because he’s scared. Like, he paid so much money for me to do music my whole life. Maybe he thinks if I can be successful from something he had nothing to do with then I’ll just abandon him. He knows I really hate his job and I think he’s afraid I’ll go no contact or something if I’m not relying on him.
“My secret project is the dispensary, but that’s just step one. When his company inevitably goes under because of some lawsuit for malpractice or something, I’ll be there to offer him a job at my dispensary. Isn’t that perfect?”
I’m about to answer, but she just keeps going.
“Anyway, abouttheplan. Since I’ll eventually finish earning my tuition money and leave for college to pursue my secret project, I have to find Abuela a boyfriend so she’s not as lonely while I’m gone. And I think it’s working! I introduced her to a guy at the dog park, and I slipped her number in a guy’s pocket at the doctor’s office.
“She’s been on her phone a lot lately, and she gets all smileywhenever she checks her email. And that lady, her name’s Violeta, right? She comes over sometimes, and remember how the first time she came they were loud as fuck?” Every time I’m about to answer one of Moni’s questions, she just keeps going before I get a word in. “Well, now they get all quiet when they talk, like they don’t want me to hear them. She has to be gossiping about her little crush with that lady. What was her name again?”
“Vio—”
“Gotta go!” And there’s some loud scrambly noises before she hangs up on me. I guess the timing worked out, since I’m about to go inside.
Just as I’m walking in past the checkout lines by the entrance, I practically crash right into Jamal, who’s walking out with a telescope in hand. I’m both relieved I don’t have to steal one and annoyed that we had the same idea. Is he trying to avoid me, too?
Knowing Jamal, he’s probably just here to be considerate. He almost drops the telescope at the sight of me, and I rush to catch it, our fingers overlapping as we both grip it.
“Oh, sorry,” I say, letting go quickly, a blush rushing to my cheeks.
“It’s okay,” he says back, looking down for a moment before meeting my eyes. “I... I’ll see you later.”
And he walks off.
It’s only a few short hours before the sun goes down. This time when I try sneaking out, it’s to see Jamal. Only now I don’t bring any lube or condoms. We’re just calculating star trajectories tonight. No romance, no sex. The only reason I’m sneaking out inthe first place is because I’m grounded. Even if this is for school, I doubt my mom would let me leave the house to be alone with Jamal late at night. She wouldn’t get it.
Jamal picks me up down the street from my house, just to be safe. He doesn’t open the passenger-side door for me, which was to be expected. He probably never will again.
I open the door myself and scoot in while Jamal nods his head along to the Saul Williams track playing. It’s going to be a long drive since we have to get out of the city so there’s less light pollution in order for us to actually see the stars. I don’t even know if Jamal knows where we’re going, but I don’t want to break our unspoken code of silence by asking.
He opens his mouth a few times like he wants to say something, but stops himself every time. I clench my jaw to keep from doing the same.
We spend the ride in silence until about thirty minutes in, when Jamal seems to get comfortable and rests his hand on the center console. I glance down at it, feeling my own hand twitch in response. Our hands are supposed to be there together. That’s how it’s always been.
But I can’t take his hand now, after everything. I’ve gone too far in the other direction. Besides, I doubt he’s putting his hand there as an invitation anyway, like he used to. He probably just got tired of holding the wheel with both hands.
I clear my throat to shake the growing lump out of it, and that’s when he seems to notice me panicking. He moves his hand back to the wheel.
We eventually take the freeway far enough that the skirt of citylights falls behind us. Jamal takes a dirt road a little farther into nowhere, then finally parks the truck.
I open the door and hop down to the ground before Jamal has a chance to not open the door for me again. It’s better not to give myself the opportunity to feel any kind of way about it.
Jamal pulls the handheld telescope out of the back seat, then climbs into the bed of the truck. I follow him, making sure to sit on the opposite side of the bed so our shoulders don’t touch. Jamal looks at the sky through the telescope for a while. The last time we went stargazing, Jamal probably didn’t look at the sky more than two seconds. He just stared at me, insisting he was “enjoying the view.” Now he doesn’t even glance in my direction.
“I can’t see a thing,” he says as he gives up and hands me the telescope.
It isn’t until he turns his head to look at me for the first time tonight that I see it.
“What’s that on your neck?” I blurt out.
“It’s nothing,” he says, a little too fast, as his hand shoots up to cover the mark on his neck.
