Page 105 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“So, I’m having another stupid thing next weekend. Want to come?” he asks.
My ears burn at the memory of me ditching the first open mic Jamal was hosting. “It’s not a stupid thing. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m really sorry.” Shit, apologizing never gets easier, does it?
“I forgive you,” he says, and I know he’s not just talking about me calling his open mic a stupid thing. He’s talking about all of it. Somehow, he forgives me for all of it.
Whether I deserve his love or not, I have it. And no matter how much I hate myself, I love Jamal more.
“I’ll be there,” I say. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Unfortunately, people haven’t seemed to get the gossiping out of their systems by the end of the day. I guess several students attempting to murder another student is more interesting a topic than the usual who’s hooking up or fighting with who.
I just ignore the stares and start looking for Bianca. While I’mstill on my apology spree, I might as well give one more. I find her in the courtyard. She folds her arms and frowns at me.
“I owe you an apology,” I say, determined to bang them all out.
“Damn right you do,” she starts, but when I get closer, her eyes widen when she sees the bruises on my face. “Nick really did that?” she asks, the steam from her anger evaporating into thin air.
I just get on with it, ignoring the question. “I owe you an apology because you were right. I used you too.”
“Well, yeah, I thought we were both kind of doing that.” I figured Bianca knew we were using each other after our last conversation, but I didn’t realize how little it seemed to matter to her. “Why are you bringing it up now?”
“I just thought you should know I didn’t love you like that. I know you probably didn’t love me either, but I’m in love with someone else,” I say, and I see Jamal from across the courtyard heading in our direction. He looks at me like he knows what I’m about to say. I touch the jaguar necklace for strength. “I’m in love with a guy,” I say, not caring who might hear. “And I’m learning to love myself, and that means taking accountability. I hope you can get there someday too.”
Her face scrunches like she’s offended. “Don’t talk like you know me like that.”
“No, but Yami did. You act like she’s the one in the wrong for walking away, without asking yourself why she’d want to do that. I might not know you like that, but Yami knew you better than anyone, and she left. Maybe ask yourself why.”
She opens her mouth like she’s about to go off, but nothingcomes out. Instead she just turns around and quickly walks away. I can admit that wasn’t the most successful apology, but at least I said something.
Jamal’s still walking toward me, close enough now to have heard all of that. I turn toward him to meet him halfway.
“Need a ride?” he asks with a smile.
“I’d like that.”
39
When You Just Have to Take It One Day at a Time
Maintenance
“I told you, I’m not gonna testify,” I say for what feels like the millionth time. Yami found out Nick’s trial is coming up, and Jamal must have mentioned to her that I’m not planning on going.
“He tried to kill you!” Yami says as she paces my room. “Don’t you want him to face consequences?”
I just shrug. I may be ready to facesomeof my fears, but my jaguar necklace has no bearing on how I never want to see Nick’s face again. “Why should I have to if there were witnesses? Jamal and Avery are gonna testify. That should be enough.”
“What if it’s not?” She throws up her arms. “What if they get away with it and do the same thing to someone else? What if they come afteryouagain?”
“Maybe Jamal and Avery’s testimonies will be enough, maybe they won’t. But I just want to enjoy whatever time I don’t have to think about Nick while I have it, okay? Can we just drop it?”
Yami stops pacing, then reaches for her phone in her pocket and lets out a breath, like she’s trying to make a decision. “Okay,” she finally says, then pulls out her phone and leaves the room.
That was easier than expected.
I feel like I have to move, so I leave my room too. I know Yami was trying to help, but I’m just anxious now. When I go to the kitchen to fill up my bottle with ice water, there’s a knock on the door. I expect it to be mail or something, so I take my time filling up my water instead of answering it.
I guess I take too long, because Yami comes out of her room to get it before I even leave the kitchen. Before either of us make it to the door, though, there’s another, louder, knock.
