Page 91 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
I’m going to end it, and then I’ll finally go home. I can finally be happy.
After I’ve filled pages upon pages of my notebook, I rip them out and lay the papers face up on the kitchen table. This is the world’s most beautiful suicide note. It’s the perfect gift to leave behind. They’ll all have to realize this is what’s best.
Now all that’s left to do is wait for God’s signal.
I leave my note for Yami and Mami to find, then rummage through the recycling bin, grabbing an empty water bottle. I take it to my mom’s room and raid her secret liquor cabinet. If Bianca gets to have fun and get drunk tonight, so do I.
I grab a bottle of vodka and fill the water bottle to its brim before putting the glass bottle back in the cabinet. I don’t even care if Mami notices the missing liquor. What’s she going to do? Ground me? Send me to Abuela’s? I’ll be long gone before she has a chance.
I smile down at my phone. Nick posted the party’s address on his Instagram stories like a dumbass. I pull up the address on my GPS and start walking. The sun’s already been down for who knows how long. I must have lost track of time writing. It’s a miracle I got out before Mami got home from working overtime.
It’s only about a fifteen-minute walk, and when I get into the neighborhood, I realize I’ve been here before, many times.
It’s a neighborhood surrounding a man-made lake. The lake right at the edge of Jamal’s street. How could I forget they lived on the same block?
Resist temptation,I hear God say in my ear.
I almost fall on my ass when a truck honks loudly as it passes way too fast and way too close. I recognize the truck as one of Nick’s friends’, since it’s not the first time I’ve almost been run over by it.
Bummer. That could have been a relatively easy way to go, but I guess I have to wait a little longer.
I make my way to the lake, and the water glistens against the moonlight so beautifully I completely forget about the truck and the party. I walk toward the lake and sit down at the edge, sticking my feet in the murky water.
Eventually my phone rings, and I look at it to see Mami’s calling. I ignore it. She probably just got home way too late and saw my suicide note. I’m sure she’s confused and wants to know where I am, but if I tell her, she’ll just make me come back. I can’t do that. Tonight is too special to waste at home.
About ten minutes and a few more missed calls later, it’s Jamal who’s calling me.
Him, I answer right away.
“Jamal, I’m gonna do it,” I say.
“Do what?” He sounds worried. “Cesar, tell me you’re safe.”
“Be happy,” I answer. “For you. I’m gonna do it for you.”
“Where are you?” he asks, but my attention is drawn away by the sound of a few loud drunks who I’dloveto get my fists on.
“You looking for a fight, Flores, you got one!” Nick calls out as he and his friends march up to me. Nick’s friend must have told him he saw me here. Good.
“Cesar? Who’s that?” Jamal asks frantically. “Are you okay?”
“I gotta go.” I hang up, then stand to face them.
“Nick, calm down,” Avery says, catching his breath as he jogs up behind the rest of the guys.
“Nah, he needs an ass whooping to set him straight,” Nick says with a grin as he takes a step closer, but Avery runs in between me and Nick and holds his arms out to separate us. Why is he defending me? Maybe he just doesn’t want to get in a fight since it would break his probation.
“It’s not worth it, bro. Let’s just go back,” Avery says.
“No, let him come,” I say as I take another step closer.
“Get out of my way or I’ll beat your ass too,” Nick threatens. Avery looks back and forth from me to Nick with fear in his eyes. He knows Nick is serious.
For the first time in all the fights I’ve had with Nick, Avery doesn’t hold me down. This time, he runs away.
I look down at Nick’s foot to see he’s finally free of the boot. There’s nothing holding him back anymore.
That’s my signal.
