Page 90 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“Just fucking wait till I get this thing off. You won’t be so cocky then!” Nick yells back.
And no matter how little sense it makes, I look forward to it.
31
When You Get a Little Glimpse of Heaven
Rapid Cycling
When Friday rolls around, Bianca drives me home from school like she normally does, but this time we’re tense. She’s going to Nick’s party tonight, and I know I’m the one who said I didn’t want to go, but a party seems like the perfect place to be right now. Especially if I get to confront Nick.
“Will you do me a favor?” she asks shyly. At first I’m surprised she’s not trying to address Nick’s claims about them having sex, but then again, why would she? She can clearly tell I’m not pressed about it either way, so bringing it up would just shed light on how little I care. That would kind of fuck with her whole needing-to-be-liked complex. Somehow, it’s a relief that we’re so deep in these mind games that she won’t call me out about it.
“Uh, depends what kind of favor,” I say without looking up from my phone.
“Can you tell Yami to unblock my number? I wanna talk to her.”
“I’ve told you that I’m not getting in the middle of that.”
“You’re already in the middle of it. You’re my boyfriend and her brother. You couldn’t stay out of it if you tried.”
“If you miss her so bad, why’d you out her?” I accuse.
“I only told Chachi and Stefani!” Bianca looks taken aback, like she’s surprised I’m standing up for my sister. I guess no one’s ever called her out on her shit before.
“It wasn’t your secret to tell. You shouldn’t have told anyone!” I say, feeling that familiar twinge of anger bubbling up in my chest again.
“They deserved to know! What if she never told them? Friends aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other, but she lied to us foryears!”
Angry, manic laughter spills out of me. “Oh my god, you are not fucking serious right now!” I laugh harder, and she just stares at me.
“You’re acting crazy,” she says.
“And you’re acting like a bitch. Have fun at Nick’s party,” I say as I grab the door handle and see myself out of her car, shutting it behind me before she can respond.
She rolls down her window. “I will! Maybe I’ll sleep with him again!”
I turn around and flip her off. I mean, I never succeeded at having feelings for her, so I don’t really care that she slept with Nick, but it does surprise me. “Why are you even dating me then? What’s the point?” I ask, stepping closer to her driver’s side window.
She’s quiet for a moment before answering. “Don’t act like you don’t already know. I’m doing the same thing as you,” she finally says.
“I’m not acting like anything. What are we doing here exactly? What is the point?”
“I wanted to hurt Yami back, okay? I wanted to make her feel the way she made me feel when she dropped me out of her life!” She’s yelling now, face red and eyes welling up.
“Fuck you!” I say, hypocritically. She’s right that I’m no better, since we both did this to hurt my sister. Yami doesn’t deserve that, from either of us. “We’re done.”
“Yeah, no shit,” Bianca says, backing the car away and driving off. I flip her off again before storming inside, and she returns the favor.
Mami’s working overtime today, and Yami’s staying the night at Bo’s, so I’m home alone for a few hours. I’m itching to do something with myself, but I have no idea what. Despite just having a fight with Bianca, I’m starting to get that euphoric feeling I got a while back, where everything feels just a little better than usual. Like I’m getting a glimpse of what heaven might be like. I lie back in my bed and smile, thanking God for giving me this little teaser.
His signal is coming tonight, I can feel it.
I jump out of bed and rush over to my desk, pulling out my notebook and a pen and getting to work right away. It’s been so long since I’ve written in here, and I don’t know where the urge comes from, but I need to write this down. Need to show the world what this calling from God looks like and how I plan on answering it when He tells me it’s time.
I write about this little glimpse of heaven. About how before God gave me this glimpse, everything was uninteresting. Life before being chosen was boring and miserable. The colors were dull, the food bland. Even my bed feels more comfortable than before, the blankets silkier and the pillows softer.
I write about how I’m finally going to give everyone what they want from me.
