Page 81 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
I think on that. It’s true that I don’t care about anyone in group like that, and they don’t care about me. But I’m not so surenoneof them care about each other. Like, Zo, Aaron, and Avery seem to like each other just fine. In fact, I’d be surprised if they didn’t hang out outside of group on the regular.
Then, because I love to contradict myself, I ask a question I didn’t realize I wanted the answer to until it leaves my mouth. “So are you really doing better after switching medication?”
Nia raises an eyebrow. “Yeah. My meds literally saved my life.”
I laugh, then stop when I realize she’s not joking. “I don’t trust meds anymore.”
“Why not?” she asks.
I just shrug. I don’t know how to explain to her that I’m pretty sure the powers that be are trying to brainwash all of us. For what, I don’t know yet. But why else would Dr. Lee, and everyone else for that matter, be so insistent I pop pills every day? Either everyone else is right and I’m wrong, or they’re all trying to make me feel crazy, just so I’ll do what they say. Seeing as I’m no longer being actively mind controlled, the second option feels more logical. I don’t know what their end goal is with that, but it can’t be good.
But then again, if Nia’s being brainwashed, she should know, right? There’s no way she hasn’t at least considered it by now.
“Do you ever wonder if, like, your meds are... I don’t know, brainwashing you?”
“What, like making me a mindless zombie or something? I mean, some meds do that, but that’s why you have to switch until you find the right ones.”
“No, not like a zombie, I mean more like... I don’t know. Never mind.”
“Ohhh... I see what you’re saying.”
Now she’s getting it.
“You know, it’s actually a really common psychotic symptom to believe your meds are being used for mind control.”
“That sounds exactly like something someone who was mind controlled would say,” I scoff. I can’t believe I said that out loud.
I expect Nia to burst out laughing at me, but she doesn’t. “Did you tell anyone you want to go off your meds?” she asks.
My head snaps in her direction. How would she even know that? “What are you talking about? I’m not off my meds.”
“Didn’t say you were. But chill, I’m not gonna narc on you if you are. It’s just... if I don’t take my meds for a while I start believing shit like that too, and it goes down a vicious cycle until I hit rock bottom. It’s really hard to get out of that mindset.”
“Again. You sound seriously brainwashed,” I say. Of course she gets in the mindset of thinking she’s brainwashed when she stops taking the meds that are doing the brainwashing.
“You’re not gonna convince me to go off my meds, if that’s what you’re trying to do.” She scowls at me.
“That’s your prerogative, I guess,” I say, trying not to judge, but I super am. How can anyone be okay with being brainwashed like that after having been confronted with the truth?
“Look, I know you don’t get it, but when I go off my meds, I go full crazy.”
“Well, I’m not crazy,” I say defensively.
Now she laughs. “Sorry to break it to you, but you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t at least a little crazy. We all are. Embrace it.”
“If you’re all about embracing it, then why are you trying to avoid going crazy?” I ask, fully aware I’m doing the asshole devil’s advocate thing everyone hates. She knows I have a point, though.
“No one wants to see me full crazy,” she says. “Look, I won’t tell anyone, but you really shouldn’t go advertising that you’re off your meds. Especially since you’re clearly not working on coping skills or anything like that to substitute them.”
“I’m not advertising shit.”
“Right, but you’re obvious. If anyone finds out you’re off your meds, you’ll probably get institutionalized.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.” No one’s noticed I’m off my meds so far, and it’s been months.
But I do know one thing for sure. It has to stay that way. Ijustgot everyone to stop babying me. No way in hell am I going back to the hospital and starting all over. I’d rather go full crazy.
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