Page 72 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“You’ve been avoiding me,” she says, arms crossed.
“I... uh...” I shift my weight back and forth, resisting the urge to make a run for it. I look behind Bianca at the crowds of people walking to class, and I spot Avery, who sees me looking at him. Instead of looking away this time, he gives me a small nod in acknowledgment. I glare back, and he keeps walking.
“Look,” she interrupts my non-response, not that I had anything intelligent to say in the first place. “I know I came on a little strong the other day. Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen, okay? Can we just go back to before?”
Bianca’s been our neighbor and was Yami’s best friend long enough for me to know she’s been doing this her whole life. She has this compulsive need to be liked by everyone, so wheneverthings get weird, she’s the first to backtrack and pretend it never happened. Maybe that’s why she’s so hung up on the fact that Yami never forgave her.
“Hello?” Bianca waves a hand in front of my face. She might be willing to pretend she never told me she loved me, but I can’t.
If Bianca loves me, that means all of this is for nothing. The whole point of dating her was to get everyone who cared about meoffmy back. But if Bianca loves me, that’s just one extra person I have to feel guilty over.
“Is this about Yami?” Bianca asks when I don’t respond right away.
“What? No!” It’s kind of a lie. A half lie, at least. Yami was at least half of the reason I hooked up with Bianca at that party in the first place. At least half of the reason any of this spiraled so far out of control.
Then again, it is kind of weird that Bianca keeps bringing Yami up. Does sheknowI only hooked up with her to piss off Yami? It just doesn’t make any sense.
I want to tell Bianca that I don’t love her. That this won’t work out. That loving me is nothing but bad news. But this is everything I asked for. Everything I need to get right with God.
I could love Bianca. One day. Maybe. I could end up with her. Marry her, even. Not that I plan on living long enough to do anything like that. But if I don’t want to go to hell, I need to at least try, right? It’s not like I’m gonna go confessing my love for her any time soon, but I can’t run away at the first sign that things are actually going according to plan.
But then there’s that guilt. The guilt that made me betray Yami and Jamal.
The next bell rings, and I use it as an excuse to get the hell out of there.
I want a way out. There has to be a way out.
I usually try to walk home from school fast enough that I get home before Yami so I can avoid her, but on Friday I’m too exhausted to care. I get home just as the USPS truck puts something in our mailbox.
I decide to just grab the mail since I’m right here. But before I even make it to the door with the letters, Yami is rushing out. She almost passes me on her way to the mailbox before she notices I beat her to it.
“I got it,” she says as she reaches for the papers in my hand. Normally I wouldn’t even care to look, but Yami’s being weird. I glance down before handing her the mail... to find a letter to Yamilet from Whitman at the top of the pile.
“You applied out of state?” I ask, more surprised than anything. I have to resist the urge to ask more questions. What about Bo? Does she want to leave because of me? Does Mami know?
“Don’t tell Mami,” she says as she grabs the letters from my hand and goes back inside without another word. I guess that answers one thing.
A lump has the audacity to form in my throat, but I have no right to be upset after everything I did. Yami going out of state for school is a good thing. Getting away from me will be good for her.
Mami will probably be pissed, but I can’t imagine Yami staying here forever just to take care of me and our mom. Maybe she would have if I hadn’t pushed her so far in the other direction, butit’s good she finally listened. She’ll be way better off not having to deal with me.
It’s a good thing.I tell myself that over and over again. This is what I wanted. This is what she wants. It’s perfect.
But the lump in my throat stays.
Instead of going inside, I start to walk to Walmart. Tonight I’ll be meeting up with Jamal for our project, so in order to spend as little time together as possible, I might as well get the telescope on my own instead of going shopping for it together. I don’t have the money for it, but how hard could a little handheld telescope be to steal? At least it’s better than being trapped at home alone with Yami.
My phone goes off while I’m walking, and I pull it out of my pocket to see that Moni is FaceTiming me.
“Hey, Moni, what’s up?” I ask.
“So, I came up with a plan,” she whispers with a grin.
“What plan? And why are you whispering?”
“Abuela fell asleep on the couch, and my phone was just sitting there under all her clothes in her drawer. I think she secretlywantedme to find it. Anyway, obviously I had to get my phone so I could tell you about my plan,” she whispers as she looks over her shoulder, as if checking to make sure Abuela’s still sleeping.
“What plan?” I ask again as I sidestep a pole. Unlike Yami, I’ve never been one of those people who gets so consumed with something they run into shit on the street. You never know what could happen, so I try to stay at least a little alert, even if Moni is entertaining.
