Page 65 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“I’m Nia, she/her,” Nia says, blinking a little more frequently than most people. “Schizophrenia.”
Then everyone looks to me, and I shift a little in my chair. “Cesar, he/him,” I say, hoping to just get this over with. Dr. Lee did say we only had to give our diagnosis if we were comfortable with it, so she better not call me out on this.
Thankfully, she doesn’t. Everyone’s attention moves on to the guy to my right. He’s a kind of plain-looking white guy in jeans and a white tee.
“I’m Aaron. He/him. Uhh...” He looks around the group, as if deciding what to say next. He might be even more uncomfortable here than I am. I bet he’s the other new guy. “I have borderline personality disorder,” he finally says, then lets out a small breath of relief and turns to the last person in the circle.
“I’m Avery. He/him. PTSD,” Avery says as he shifts in his seat. Not only am I surprised he willingly gave his pronouns when that seems like something his friends would laugh at him about, but also that he volunteered his diagnosis in front of the guy he used to beat up. Part of me wonders if him saying that in front of me is some kind of peace offering.
Then again, it might have nothing to do with me. Maybe he’s just comfortable in this group, even if I’m in it now. Now that I think of it, it makes sense that Jamal said he’s like a different person whenhis friends aren’t around. He even physically looks different. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with his shoulders relaxed until now.
I still hate him, though, obviously.
“Wonderful.” Dr. Lee folds her hands on her lap. “For those of you new today, I like to start our sessions by giving an opportunity for anyone to share something good that’s happened in the last week.”
It’s quiet for a few seconds before Zo says, “Avery has some good news, right?” They mime nudging Avery with their elbow.
“I mean, kind of... ,” he says. “Some lawyer found out about my case and wants to help me pro bono.”
“That’s great news!” Dr. Lee says.
“Not really.” Avery shrugs and looks down. “He wants me to snitch on my friend to get off, and I’m not doing that. I don’t need his charity anyway.” For once, I find myself almost rooting for Avery. Him snitching on Nick would be incredible.
No one else seems to have any good news to share, so Dr. Lee goes on with the session. “This week I want to talk about medication, and all the different paths we can go on to finding the right fit for us.”
She keeps talking, but I kind of zone out. I’m not really trying to get back on my medication, even if everyone around me thinks I never stopped. It isn’t until Dr. Lee changes the topic that I have to pay attention again. “All right, now let’s go around and talk about our journey with medication, and how we all got to where we are now. Who’d like to start us off?”
Zo raises their hand to start once again. I get a feeling Zo is Dr. Lee’s favorite.
“I’m really liking the meds I’m on. I just hit six months, and I finally got my bloodwork done to see if I have any side effects.” They smile widely. “Turns out every health problem my old meds caused is getting better now with these new meds, so I get to stay on them!”
“Lucky you,” Avery says, crossing his arms. “When I hit the six-month mark with my meds, they stopped working. Then the next one I tried started giving me seizures because it reacted wrong to my other medication. Had to stop cold, and now I have to see a neurologist before I can get approved to switch again.” Avery glances around the room but still avoids my eyes.
Yikes. Yeah, I’m definitely not going back on my meds.
“And we’ll find something that works for you, Avery. It’s just a matter of time,” Dr. Lee says.
“That’s why I’m not on meds anymore,” Aaron says. “I don’t want to deal with the health problems or side effects.”
“And that’s why we work extra hard on our coping skills, right, Aaron?” He nods. “Now that you’re eighteen, that’s your prerogative. What about you, Cesar? Nia?”
“I just switched meds,” Nia says, saving me from having to answer the question. “I didn’t think meds could make the hallucinations completely go away, but they did. Only downside is I’ve got this twitch now,” she says with a twitch of her nose. “But I can live with a twitch if it means I’m not being told to kill myself every five seconds.”
It finally comes back to me, and I have to say something so no one knows I’ve been lying about taking my meds this whole time. “I switched recently. Can’t complain,” I lie through my teeth.
Deflecting has become second nature for me now. I spend most of my time at home in my room, so no one asks me any questions. Well, so my mom doesn’t. I think the Yami bridge has been thoroughly burned. It’s only a matter of time before the one with my mom burns down too.
At school, I’ve been avoiding Bianca, and feeling like the world’s biggest coward for it. Dating Bianca should be easy. I’minto girls. And Bianca is hot. I’m actually attracted to her, and when she went down on me at that party, I did like it. So why can’t I face her?
The truth threatens to peek its head out.
Yami.
Jamal.
But I immediately brush those thoughts away. I did this on purpose. I wanted to get rid of them, and everything is going exactly according to plan. With Jamal and Yami out of my life, and my mom slowly starting to back off, there will be no one to feel guilty over whatever does or doesn’t happen to me.
So I stick with the plan and make it a point to sit with Bianca and her friends at lunch the next day. For some reason, she doesn’t seem to notice or care that I’ve been avoiding her. When I get a text from Hunter, she doesn’t even seem bothered by me texting him in favor of paying any attention to her.
