Page 21 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
I turn around, immediately putting back on my usual persona. I’m obviously doing completely and totally great and anyone who says otherwise is getting sued for slander.
Between second and third period, the first thing I do is findYami and her friends in line. We have a fifteen-minute break right now where we can get cookies and coffee, but I never have any money. Yami, on the other hand...
“Buy me a cookie, my sweet, beautiful sister?” I say as I walk up to Yami, who’s already standing hand in hand with Bo. Next to them, David stands behind Amber, hands resting on her hips. Their other friend, Emily, looks relieved to see me, probably because we’re the only two single people in the group. Yami stares at me deadpan despite my puppy face and pouty lash fluttering, so I add, “I’ll pay you back.”
“No, you won’t,” Yami says but still picks up two cookies when we get to the front of the line.
I thank her with a big smile, not walking away after she hands me the cookie. She doesn’t ask questions, either. Most of my friends were seniors last year since I was in a lot of the senior classes, but this year they’re all gone and I’m in tiny classes with just the other “gifted” seniors.
Sure, I have lots of acquaintances. Lots of people who would call mea friend. But I don’t know, I prefer hanging out with Yami’s group. I’ve kind of been hovering around them all year. None of them seem to mind, and Yami’s never said anything, but I still feel a little out of place. Like I’m intruding on her life and being a big fat burden.
I don’t know why I feel so attached to them. Maybe they just feel safe because they’ve already been vetted by Yami. Plus, besides Hunter, Jamal, and my mom, they’re the only ones who know I’m bi. For a long time, that felt like a comfort, but now I’m not sure how I feel about it.
“How’s your ass, bro?” David asks me out of the blue. He doesn’t call me bro in the way some guys call each other bro, but because everyone literally thinks we’re twins since we’re two short-ish Brown guys at a mostly white Catholic school.
“What?” I ask.
“Jeremy told us you fell out of your chair,” Bo fills me in, chuckling.
Well shit, news travels fast around here. I put on that laugh again. The one no one can ever tell is fake. “Oh. My ass is fine.”
“You’re damn right it’s fine,” David says, miming himself slapping it, which brings a real laugh out of me. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like, there’s that weird way straight guys like to pretend they’re gay, right? Like, pretending to hit on other guys and making jokes about being into each other. But they usually only do it with other straight guys, in situations where everyone knows they’re straight, but I don’t know. There’s something euphoric about a straight guy pretending to hit on me when he knows I’m bi. Like he’s not going to treat me any different or be weird around me just because we’re both guys and one of us isn’t straight.
And maybe I’m doing some Olympic-level mental gymnastics here, but David pretending to hit on me means I definitely give off straight energy, right?
We all laugh, and for just a moment, I forget that this isn’t really my life.
That these aren’t reallymyfriends.
Then I catch a glimpse of Father John walking to the chapel, and the laugh gets sucked out of me. I catch Yami glaring at himfrom the corner of my eye, and I know she hates him because of me. Even if she won’t say it, I know she blames him in some way for my spiral last year, since it happened after my penance of breaking up with Jamal. She doesn’t know about our most recent conversation, and I’m definitely not going to tell her.
When Father John looks at me and nods his acknowledgment, I’m suddenly aware of how gay my laugh might sound. I could give off all the straight energy in the world, but it wouldn’t matter. He would still know. The smile is wiped from my face, and my heart falls to my gut.
9
When No One Will Leave You the Fuck Alone
Irritability
I spend the rest of the day catching up on sleep, except for English with Mrs. Perry. I’m not trying to get detention again and have my mom get on my ass. Yami used to cover for me whenever I got detention last year, but Mami eventually found out. Now I have to be smart about it and only sleep in the classes where the teachers don’t care.
To my horror, Mrs. Perry puts a video up on the projector after roll call. How am I supposed to stay awake forthat?
I try my best to keep my eyes open, but I haven’t slept well in a while, and it’s really trying to come for me right now. I don’t remember consciously deciding that I don’t care about detention, but I must have at some point, because the next thing I know, the sound of the bell ringing jolts me awake and a detention slip is resting on my desk. At least she didn’t wake me up.
I know better than to keep from telling Mami, or at least Yami, when I get detention now. Trying to hide it last year didn’t exactly end well. When The Event happened, my mom went through my phone and found out everything. No point hiding it anymore, soI shoot Yami a quick text before the end of the day. I’m cutting it a little close, since school’s almost over, but whatever. Better late than never, I guess.
Cesar:got detention
Yami:want me to tell mami?
Cesar:??
While I’m on my phone, I notice I have another text from Hunter.
Hunter:want to hang out this weekend?
Since I keep forgetting to respond to him and he didn’t ask how I’m doing this time, I decide to text back before I have a chance to get distracted and forget.
