Page 104 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“I want to unhurt everyone. I want to fix it. I just...,” I manage to get out between broken sniffles. “I don’t want to be like a bomb anymore!”
“You were never a bomb, mijo.” She pulls me to her chest and rubs my back. “You’re the sun,” she whispers, holding me closer still. “My beautiful son.”
And in this moment, she’s not holding me like a grenade she’d sacrifice herself to protect the world from. Right now, she’s holding me like I’m the sunrise she wouldn’t miss for anything. She’s holding me like the world could end any second and she’d still hold on. Like we’re protecting each other.
We just hold on like that for a while before we’re finally readyto say goodnight. Eventually she kisses the top of my head and gives a final squeeze before I go to let her sleep.
When I get back to my room, I find myself heading straight for the drawer that’s been hiding my poetry notebook, the promise ring, cross necklace, and jaguar necklace.
I take out the jaguar necklace and wrap my fist around it.
I don’t know if I’m ready to face my fears yet, but maybe putting this back on will help me get there.
38
When You’re Done Hiding
Boldness
I don’t know what I was expecting coming to school the next week, but I could really do without the stares and sympathetic looks. With what happened at the lake being all over the news, I don’t think there’s a single person in the halls who doesn’t whisper about it when I pass them.
I get some acknowledging nods, and one person I never interacted with even congratulated me on Nick’s arrest. For the most part, though, it’s just inaudible murmurs. I’m kind of wishing I had showed up to school late, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the excruciating downtime before class.
Relief washes over me when it’s finally a familiar face approaching.
“You’re back!” Avery says with a smile. Despite his friendly tone, the dark circles under his eyes and the way he’s shifting his weight say he’s seriously stressed out.
“You good?” I ask, not bothering with the awkward small talk.
“I mean, we don’t have to go there. You’re probably more stressed about it than I am.”
“About what?” Honestly, I’ve been too busy having emotional breakthroughs left and right to remember what I’m supposed to be stressed about.
“The trial? Are you not freaking out?”
Oh. That. “Not really,” I say. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I don’t think I can handle putting myself through something like that right now. “I’m probably not gonna testify.”
“I get it.” Avery nods his understanding. Knowing how against snitching Avery is, I would have expected him to say the same thing, but instead he says, “Don’t worry, though. I got you.”
“What do you mean?” Is Avery actually planning on testifying against Nick?
“I still have that lawyer helping me. He thinks I might be able to clear my record if I tell my story now that Nick’s on trial for attempted murder.” He shifts his weight again. “I get why you don’t want to testify, but maybe think about it?”
On instinct, I want to get defensive about the insinuation I haven’t thought about it, even though it’s true. I’ve definitely been avoiding thinking about Nick after what happened. If I don’t see him for the rest of my life it’d be too soon. So testifying against him in a courtroom he’s physically in isn’t exactly on my to do list.
“I won’t do it.” This time, it’s more than a vague “probably not.” I’m sure.
“Yeah, I mean, that’s fair.” Avery doesn’t try to convince me, which I appreciate. I think he gets it, since it’s taken him this long to decide to speak out against Nick himself.
The bell rings then, and we both go our separate ways to class.
In astronomy, Jamal and I get to partner up to work on oursenior projects. When I go to sit next to him, his eyes immediately find the jaguar necklace around my neck. He smiles, cracking his swollen lip even more.
“You haven’t worn that in a while,” he points out.
“Yeah, well, I think I’m ready to face my fears,” I say, looking up at him, taking in his bruised face. I did that. Maybe not directly, but it was my fault.
All I want to do is lean forward and touch his swollen cheek with the tips of my fingers. I want to kiss his bruised eye and busted lips until they heal. I want to do this, in front of everyone.
