Page 47 of My Fault
“That’s true, but that won’t happen to you because you’re way more fun than other girls,” I said, taking a sip of my Coke.
“I’m never going to have a boyfriend,” she affirmed, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Do you have a girlfriend, Nick?”
For no apparent reason, Noah’s face appeared in my mind. I didn’t have a girlfriend, but I would have liked to do with her the things you did with a girlfriend. Jesus—what the hell was I thinking?
“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” I said. “You’re the only girl for me.” I bent over and tugged one of her curls.
Maddie smiled, and we went on talking. It was fun to chat with her. I felt relaxed—felt like myself. Strangely, being with a five-year-old girl brought me more inner peace than being with a woman. After lunch, I took her for a drive around Vegas, I bought her a complete pink-and-white soccer uniform, cleats included, and we accidentally forgot her little doll’s outfit in the changing room. The rest of the day flew by, and before I knew it, I had ten minutes until Anne would come pick her up. We were already at the park, where we’d been kicking the ball for half an hour. I knew this next part would be hard.
My sister wasn’t good at goodbyes. She didn’t understand why I had to go or why I couldn’t live with her the way herfriends’ brothers and sisters did. She was a mess, and anytime we separated, I was left with horrible sorrow and an unbearable urge to take her with me.
“Listen, Maddie, soon Anne’s going to be here,” I said, sitting her on my lap. We were stretched out on the grass, and she was running her hands through my hair again. But when I said that, she stopped, and her lower lip started to tremble, just as I had feared.
“Why do you have to go?” she asked with glassy eyes, and the pain struck to the depths of my heart.
“Hey, why are you crying?” I said. “We always have such fun when I come here. If I lived here all the time, you’d get bored of me.” I wiped her tears away with a finger.
“I wouldn’t get bored,” she said, heaving slightly. “You love me, you play with me, and you let me do fun stuff. Mom won’t let me do almost anything.”
“Mom’s just worried about you. Anyway, I promise you I’ll come more often.” As I told her this, I swore to myself I really would. “How about I try to be here when you start school?”
Her eyes lit up.
“But Mom will be there.”
“Don’t you worry about that,” I said, calming her down, just as I saw Anne walking up the cobblestone trail.
I got up with Maddie in my arms, and she turned and saw the social worker.
“Don’t go!” she screamed, crying like mad and hiding her head against my neck.
“Come on, Madison, don’t cry,” I said, trying to keep my own feelings under control as well. “It’s okay.” I hated seeing her like that. I rubbed her back, trying to console her.
“No! Stay with me! We can keep playing!” she begged. My T-shirt was wet with her tears. By then we had reached Anne,who stretched out her arms to take Maddie away from me. But I stepped back. I wasn’t ready to let her go.
“If you stop crying, I’ll bring you a very special present next time. What do you say?” I proposed, but she just went on howling with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I struggled to get free of her; she was clinging with all her might.
“Time to hand her over,” Anne said impatiently.
I hated that woman.
“Maddie, you’ve got to go,” I said, trying to calm her down. Only after a minute did I pull hard enough to get her off me, and I saw her face streaked with tears. Her curls were glued to her forehead.
Anna took her in her arms, and she reached out, shouting my name.
“You should go, Nicholas,” Anne said, carrying her away. I wanted to grab Maddie from her and take her far away, where I could care for her and give her the love I knew she needed.
“I love you, Princess, see you soon,” I said, walking over to kiss her on the head and then turning around and not looking back. My sister’s wails were the only thing I could think of during the six hours it took me to drive back to Los Angeles.
17
Noah
At eleven thirty, I finally admitted to myself there was no way I was getting any sleep. Since the night before and what had happened with Nicholas, the memory of his kisses and his hands all over me wouldn’t leave me in peace. My mind could think of nothing but him and his lips pressed against mine. I guessed I was glad for the distraction. It was better than wallowing around in my sorrows and my memory of my life from before.
What I didn’t like was being all alone in this huge house. I had no idea where Nicholas was, but I hadn’t seen him leave, even though I’d gotten up at eight.
Why the hell should I care? I didn’t know. Since when did his location matter to me? Probably he was sleeping with one of the easy girls on his list, not even remembering what had happened between us. Was I alone in thinking it was crazy? We were brother and sister or something like it! We lived under the same roof, we couldn’t stand each other, and any memory that wasn’t those kisses and caresses made my blood pressure rise…
