Page 112 of Summer, in Between
‘I’ve messed up everything and this is all your fault, Mum,’ I cry, snot and tears flowing freely.‘I told you I didn’t want to see anyone, I just wanted to get my shit together for school, but you were the one who kept going on about freakin’ work life balance and then he was always there and you and Dad were okay with me seeing him and even freakin’ Nonna liked him and so did I but his friends are like something out of my issues assessment and he doesn’t give a shit and even random mums on the beach look at me like what’s he doing with you when he could be with anyone, and I ignored all that, because I listened to you, Mum, and now I love him and I called his friends scum and I should just be thinking about one thing and that’s my education but all I can think about is Paul freakin’ Lightwood.’My breaths come in ragged gasps and my face is so wet I may as well have dunked it in the ocean.
‘For the love of God, stop crying.Cat, you’re being hysterical,’ says Mum as she wipes the mess of my face with her jacket sleeve.
‘I can’t.’I fill the clean slate with more tears.
‘You’d better, because look, here he comes with Matty.Pull yourself together.Here.’She pulls a tissue from her pocket and it’s older than Nonna, older even than the fossils dotting these rocks, but I take it anyway.‘You talk to Paul; I’ll keep the boys with me.’
‘How do I look?’I sniff.I don’t need her to tell me; I can feel my eyes are red, swollen slits, my mouth quivering.
‘Terrible, but so does he.’She hugs me and kisses the top of my head.
I walk down to the water’s edge, breathing deeply, trying to compose myself while my chest heaves and shudders.I glance over my shoulder, and Matty’s dropped to the sand beside Mum and Tommy.Paul’s walking towards me.
‘Hey, Cat.’Paul stands beside me.‘Your Mum invited me; I hope that’s okay.’
I shrug, not game to speak, not physically able to.I watch the tide flow dangerously close to my runners.
‘I came to see you earlier, but your parents said to give you a bit of space,’ he says.His eyes are bloodshot and his hood is pulled up over his face.His hands are jammed hard into his pockets and the fabric strains against his fists.‘Cat, I know you’re thinking I’ve been with Isabel Dillon this summer, but I swear on my life that I haven’t.Last summer, at a few parties, off my face, we might have kissed, but it never meant anything.You have to believe me.’
‘And you have to believe that what we did – you and me?It meant something.It wasn’t a hook up, not to me, and that’s because you made me feel like it wasn’t.So, hearing that you saw it as something that could be public knowledge spread around your mates just hurt me in a way I can’t even explain.’
‘I’m sorry, Cat.I’m so, so sorry.I stuffed up.I saw Cavey after I dropped you home, and stopped and had a quick beer, just me and him.I don’t even know why I told him.I was just so happy, Cat.’
I nod, crying, because I do know that happiness.I was that happy too.
‘I was so happy, and I told who I thought was my best mate.Never in a million years did I think he’d be anything but happy for me, but I was wrong.I’ve known who he is for too long and I’ve let myself ignore it.No more...I’m done with him.’He gently touches my sea glass necklace and it clinks against my shell.‘Cat, I’ve done some stupid, stupid things in my life.I was wasted through high school, and my parents were too caught up in their own grief over my brother to give a shit about me.All I’ve ever had is my mates and surfing and my job, the same shit, different day.Then your old man offers me a summer job working on something I could actually give a shit about and you crashed your way into my world.’He looks at me with that smile, his elbows jutting as his hands sink into the back of his waistband.‘My head’s been spinning ever since and for the first time in my life, I feel...not worthless.You see me.I can be worthy.I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt you again, I promise.Being yours?You being mine?Cat, that is everything.It’s like that song,your heart my core.I am so in love with you, that’s bottom line, low key all there is to say.’He shrugs.‘That’s all I’ve got, beautiful.That’s my big speech.’
‘It’s a very good speech.’I wipe the tears from my face.
‘You think?’
‘I do.Don’t forget I was debating team captain, so I know a good speech.That was right up there.’
‘Now it’s your turn.’He glances at me and crosses his arms.
‘Paul, I love you.That’s all I’ve got.That’s my big speech.’My voice shakes and I lay my palm against his cheek, his stubble scratchy.
He closes his eyes and tilts his head, leaning into my hand, his jaw flexing.
‘It’s a very good speech.I’ll take it.’He wraps his arms around me, hugging me, squeezing me.I sneak my hands under his hoodie to feel his skin and we kiss and it’s like time comes to a halt, the waves stop breaking, the world stops turning.
‘You’re shaking,’ I whisper.
‘I thought for sure I’d blown it with you, Cat, and we’re only getting started.’
‘I should never have gone off at you like that.I just had all these stories, all these rumours, all these questions banging around in my head.Why would someone like you want someone like me if it wasn’t a joke?’
‘Cat...’
‘No, let me finish.I was so wrong to doubt you, Paul, and I was so, so wrong to doubt you and me.I can’t tell you how sorry I am.And the way I yelled at you?I thoughtI’dblown it withyou, and I
wouldn’t blame you if you decided that I was just far too much for you.’
‘Too much?Never enough.’
‘Stop, Matty, you dickhead.’The wind carries my brothers’ yells.We turn to see Matty chasing Tommy down the beach, waving a stick impaled with a fish head.Dad’s crouched over his tackle box and Mum’s got the fire cranking.Embers spit into the sky as she sits by the fire, wrapping potatoes in foil, the stem of a glass of red wine buried in the sand beside her at an alarming angle.
‘Ugh, way to kill a moment,’ I say.‘Can I tempt you with a toasted marshmallow?’
