Page 90 of With Stars in Her Eyes
I was also sweating. I had been so cold that I kept the blankets wrapped around me when I got in the car. My mouth felt disgusting too, and it’d been a while since I had been so in need of a shower. Everything was too bright. I fumbled in my backpack for my sunglasses and nearly poked myself in the eye the first time I tried to put them on.
“Want to come inside at my place and get some sleep?”
Thea moaned. “God, yes.”
After Thea pulled up to the curb, it took us several trips to get all the camera equipment inside, but given how warm it was supposed to be today, Thea said it was essential. I led her upstairs. As soon as Thea saw the bed, she shed her outer clothes and fell into it.
It wasn’t exactly how I’d expected to get this woman into my actual bed for the first time, but I wasn’t going to complain. After I made a quick stop at the bathroom, I threw on an oversized shirt and fell into bed beside her, nestling my body to hers underneath my old comforter.
My mind felt too heavy for sleep. I replayed my memories of Thea talking about how everything else seemed to fall away because of how much she loved her art and the stars.
For the first time ever, I let myself fully imagine my life if I never played with Demetrius again. I had been shutting this down for so long. But I gave in to visualizing a future where I never played on a stage again. A life where all my dreams faded. The industry would forget me so quickly, but that didn’t hurt as muchas the idea of never getting to share these songs I had poured my heart and rage and hope into.
The idea made me want to curl up into a ball and cry.
But.
Trying again and failing again…
It had almost broken me the first time.
If it happened again, I didn’t know if I could survive seeing my dreams die onstage in front of thousands of people a second time. This tour was going to be even bigger. I would be an official opener. People would know my real name, and if I failed now there would be no running from it. I couldn’t hide anymore.
I curled closer into Thea.
Maybe I could be happy right here with her. I could play in a local orchestra. I could find a different dream. Maybe I would go back to working for musicians doing string section drops for other people’s albums. Maybe I could have a life here.
The idea of being with Thea and waking up beside her every day might be enough of a gift that maybe I wouldn’t miss my old dreams. It certainly scared me less than trying to go back and be Kestrel again and risk another catastrophic performance. Maybe Thea wouldn’t even be interested in being with me if I needed to tour again. That wasn’t a life many people wanted. Demetrius had dealt with lots of failed relationships because of how often he toured.
I still needed to get a handle on my PTSD though, no matter what I decided. I didn’t want to be waking Thea up with nightmares all the time.
I was getting ahead of myself.
I forced my breaths to slow and let my mind drift to happier places and starry skies and beautiful passages of music and perfectly hit notes and harmonies.
When I woke again Thea was still sleeping. I slipped out of bed and took an epic shower in the downstairs bathroom so I wouldn’twake her. Most of the groceries I had bought a million years ago right before getting served on my doorstep were still on the counter. Thea would probably be starving when she woke up, and I owed her potatoes and cupcakes.
I was on my second cup of coffee when Thea came down the stairs. Her hair was damp from her own shower.
“Thank you for leaving that extra toothbrush out for me.” Thea grinned and sniffed. “What smells amazing?”
I pulled a warmed cast-iron skillet out of the oven. The cozy aroma of peppers and roasting potatoes filled the tiny kitchen. I had just finished slathering icing on the cupcakes as well, so Thea’s timing could not have been better on coming down.
“Happy brunch.” I gestured to the counter.
“Cupcakes and potatoes?” Thea leaned to get a closer look. The empty red tub of icing was still out. She stuck a finger in it and sucked the icing off in a way that made me acutely aware of the fact I didn’t get my own orgasm last night due to Kansas Ranger Rick’s coyote warning.
“In my opinion, cupcakes are just very self-actualized muffins.” I smirked. “The potatoes are breakfast potatoes though. I got the recipe from Ms. Jeannie, and it’s a winner. Are you okay with spicy?”
“Books or breakfast?” Thea winked.
“Both I guess.”
“Yes. Spicier the better.”
I exhaled in relief. “Good because I’m pretty sure I got distracted and doubled the cayenne. And the garlic.”
“The garlic amount listed in a recipe is meant to be tripled at least.”
