Page 116 of With Stars in Her Eyes
Thea’s focus had immediately returned to the jukebox after the door shut behind me.
There was a renewed tension, as tangible as the dust motes still twirling from all the furniture being moved out. It wasn’t clear what had changed since the easy flirting an hour earlier.
“Any requests?” She tapped a finger to jukebox keys.
I glanced toward the bar. “Where’s Marshall?”
“I sent him home since I was meeting you here. There’s a locksmith coming in half an hour.” She paged through the songs as she spoke.
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s going to be okay. He’s done some dumb stuff, but I think if he can stop being a butthead with his dad, everything will be okay. He’s got people around to help him through it. It’s hard to reframe your life with a big change like he’s going through.”
“Good…”
A line appeared between Thea’s brows. “It made me think about you as a kid and what it must have been like to feel alone with your stage parents. I hate that you didn’t have people. I wish you had people to fight for you back then.”
“I had Nic.”
“Nic was a kid too.”
A kid who had it way worse than me.
But that probably wouldn’t make Thea feel better.
“I have people now though…” I said, touching a place on her cheek where a dimple would be if she wasn’t processing such heavy thoughts. “What are you going to pick?”
“Not sure. Any requests?”
I followed the text on the jukebox pages as she spoke until my attention snagged on a song. “Wait. Go back one.”
Our postures were mirrors. Each of us leaning on the curved red glass jukebox. Eyes meeting, both aglow from the orange light from the machine. My palm slid over her hand to guide it.
“This one?” Her eyes flicked to me and then back to the list of songs.
“If that’s okay?”
“More than okay.” She pushed several buttons.
“Glad you agree.” I traced a line down her forearm as the first notes played. “Can… can I tell you about the first time I heard it?”
Thea nodded.
“I was a kid. Not sure how old. My parents were doing a sound check for one of those big revivals. I used to sneak away to read or try to find the library if it was being held in a rented school gymnasium. There was a rehearsal or auditions for a talent show happening in one of the music rooms. I heard this kid playing. He was playing this song. Up until then, I had always thought the things I felt about music were somehow related to religion—feeling the Spirit or whatever.” I laughed at the absurdity of all the things I had believed back then. “Because the two were always intertwined. But here was this sixteen-year-old kid singing his heart out about loving a girl who was a little crazy. I felt that same rush. I was transfixed.”
“You figured out it was the music you loved. It didn’t have to be just a manipulation tool.”
“I ran out and bought the album the next day. First thing I ever bought with my own money.” My fingers began moving as ifI were playing the cello part I used to add to the song in my head. “Since deconstructing from all that, I’ve had to go back and look through the things I loved and see where the lies were hiding and find the glimmers of what was real beneath them. I might not have had people… but from the day I first heard this song, I had that.”
“Damn.”
“I always felt fractured and compartmentalized. But…” I twisted my fingers into Thea’s. “I need you to know more than anything else that Iwasbeing myself when I was with you. The omissions were a habit. It’s a pattern of breaking my life into separate pieces that I’ve had for most of my life. But none of that is an excuse for it either, and I’m so sorry. You deserved all the truth, Thea, and—”
Thea pulled me to her.
And then as the music swelled into the chorus, we began to sway with the rhythm. The song wasn’t exactly danceable, but somehow, we were dancing anyway. I dissolved into giggles at the sudden silliness after such a serious conversation. My sneakers scuffed over the dusty floor as I twirled Thea and dipped her with a kiss on her chin. By the bridge we both were singing along with the words, getting louder and louder into the final chorus. As the song reached the last few chords, our breathless bodies pressed together.
If given enough time, I could know the pattern of Thea’s freckles as well as Thea knew the constellations. With a gentle finger under Thea’s chin, I guided her lips to mine.
