Page 76 of With Stars in Her Eyes
“Wait. You told Demetrius no? What about the contract?”
“The lawyer said I have enough of a medical exception thatthe label won’t have much of a case if they try to come at me for a breach of contract. It would just stir things up again.”
“What’d Demetrius say?”
“He said to give it another couple weeks to think about it.”
Sam shifted closer. “Is quitting or taking the break from it what you want? Really? Because I’ve seen you onstage and—”
“I just don’t think Icando it. This is the right decision because it’s the only decision.”
“You love it so much though.”
“Maybe I could love something else. I reached out to someone at the old studio I used to work for. I liked coproducing with Demetrius. I might be good at that, and I could also be an in-house musician.”
“The studio in New York with that skeezy owner where they paid you basically nothing?”
“I’d still get to do what I love, but I wouldn’t risk fucking up an entire show for someone and embarrassing the people who stood up for me.”
“Demetrius didn’t say you embarrassed him.”
“No, he didn’t. And he wouldn’t. But…”
“You’re scared.” Sam scrutinized me. “And the closer you get to all of this also might lead to more people here figuring out who you are. I think that’s on your mind too.”
“You’re right.” I flinched and my train of thought stalled. Going back on the road wasn’t perfect. Demetrius’s life was changing so fast. People had started following him. He had stalkers. He had security. He could barely go out in public now. Whatever decision I made could affect Thea. “But I don’t know… when I was just there at the hotel, I didn’t like how I felt. I’ve never been like that before when I was in hotels or on the road.”
“I’m confused. You didn’t like it because you missed being there, but you live here now?”
“No. Because I couldn’t wait to leave and fly backhere. That scares me too because if I’m not even cut out for a week in a hotel room… that’s pathetic. And then there’s the other thing.”
“What other thing?”
“I met a girl I really like here, but she doesn’t know about how much of a disaster my life is. And I like being here, but I think no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to hide the fact that I’m Kestrel from anyone soon. Demetrius’s new record is going to come out with my name on it, and that’s already done. I can’t change that. It means people here might find out—they probablywillfind out… which— Fuck, why does nothing feel right?”
“So what you’re saying is you wish you could do the tour but feel like you can’t for a lot of reasons. You’re scared and traumatized, which is fair. And you feel like no matter what you decide, your life is about to change big time, and people might know who you are here, which might change what Kansas is to you.”
“Yes.” I exhaled.And my ex-husband’s also blackmailing me, but if I say that your head will explode.
“Also, you like a very smart, talented, pretty girl here and, honestly, you seem just as scared about that as anything else.”
“Probably accurate if not a little embarrassing.” I massaged my tense scalp. “What the fuck am I going to do?”
She patted my hand. “Maybe let’s wait until you hear what the lawyers have to say about the contracts. Give it a couple weeks like Demetrius asked you to. Maybe hold off on any rash decisions for the weekend and just get some rest, okay? Your week sounded crazy.”
“How do you always know what I should do?”
“It’s always easier to untangle the drama in someone else’s life. You were the same with me in the Abbott situation. Now I’m happily married to an expert in culinary legal puns and procrastination, and that’s all because you helped me get out of my own head about it.”
“I guess that’s true.” My arm went around her shoulders. “Kind of funny that you met your husband when he notarized my divorce papers.”
“Definitely a life-goes-in-cycles type moment.” Sam laughed, and she picked a book up off a table nearby that had a cover withtwo women on it with stage lights, clearly a famous trope. “So… does Thea know you’re, like,almost famous.”
My laugh sounded more real this time even if it did end with a sniffle. “We’ve mostly talked about books. But she knows I’m in a band and tour and play cello abroad and stuff.”
“She doesn’t know anything about Kestrel?”
I winced. “Kestrel is a little niche. I’m sure she’s heard of Demetrius because who hasn’t these days? But…” I squinted at the cover Sam had been holding up. “What am I supposed to say? Hey. Just so you know, I’m Kestrel. She’ll say, um the smallest bird of prey? And I’ll say no, it’s just my stage name. Then she’ll ask if I’m actuallyinthe band I play with, and I’ll have to say no, and then she’ll ask why and that’s complicated. She’ll probably just be like uh—cool or that’s weird? Then if I explain more, I’ll seem like I’m trying to show off or something. Like I’m sayingHey, why don’t you google me? I’m like low-key a big deal, I swear.”
