Page 90 of Fun at Parties
“A few photos? Blasting out a ‘great job’ or ‘you can do it’ a few times a day?That’skeeping you from feeling better? Quinn, you can’t blame me for whatever’s going on with you personally.”
A familiar thumping fills my ears. “That’s not what I meant. It’s not just personal. I’m not comfortable with some of what’s being asked of me. It’s hard to be vulnerable publicly, especially when I’ve been through the wringer. And some of the things I’m being directed to do aren’t me. They feel inauthentic.”
“I’m not sure I understand.” Her voice is clipped. “Are we demanding that you share too much of your life, or are we demanding that you act like a phony? Surely it can’t be both.”
The thumping intensifies, filling my skull. Tracy istalking me in circles, just like my mother. Pretending not to understand, guilt-tripping, minimizing. She doesn’t care about me. But unlike my mother, she controls my paycheck.
“Forget it.” I shake my head. “I’m just tired. Sorry.”
Her lips are a tight line, and I don’t recognize the hard tone of her voice. “Suck it up and smile. You can do this.”
She ends the call. I close out the window and come face-to-face with my own Instagram profile. She’s probably staring at it too, waiting for me to give her what she wants.
I grab my phone and take it to the window, where I have to hover in a half-crouching position, so the natural light hits my face without any shadows. “Hi, everyone,” I attempt, but my voice sounds flat, and I forget to smile.
The second time, I overcorrect, and it comes off artificial. How have I forgotten how to do this so quickly? Being authentically cheerful on-camera is supposed to be easy for me. I never used to have totry.I was just myself.
My pre-class routine is always the same. Listen to the playlist, visualize everything going well, do some deep breathing. I picked it up from my mom, I think. “Find what works for you and do it every time,” she used to tell her downline. And that’s what she did. She often took calls with groceries in the trunk, right after picking me up from lacrosse practice and running to the bakery to pick up purple-frosted cupcakes to drop off for someone on her team who’d just reached a new level.
No matter how frazzled she was—short with me, cursing at traffic—by the time she pulled away from theMcDonald’s drive-through with her Diet Coke and picked up the phone to convince someone new to join Jolee, she was completely in the zone.
It never bothered me before, that I learned from her to use a ritual to get in the zone. What I was doing—teaching fitness classes—was so different from what she did. It never struck me as worthy of comparison. But now I feel sickened by it, because what I’m selling is not spin. It’smyself,as the fun, clever, confident older sister you never had, who will not only improve your resting heart rate but also guide you to happiness and fulfillment.
And like the Jolee lie, that’s not real.
Still, I sit down on the floor and turn on a playlist from an old Y2K pop class, setting my phone down next to me. Close my eyes, imagine the words flowing like a stream. Set my hands in my lap and do four-square breathing. In, slowly, until my lungs are full and my abdomen expands in every direction. Hold it. Then out, slowly and methodically again, until I’m empty.
This is when I’ve always tried to clear out the red, to turn it to green. Maybe I should try naming the red instead. In my swirling stomach, it’s anxiety. In my tense shoulders, it’s stress. In my pounding head, it’s fear. And in my heart, it’s sadness.
In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out.
Afterward, I return to my position in front of the window. “Hi, everyone,” I say. “As you may know, I’m on vacation, taking some time for myself right now. But I wanted to hop on here for a couple reasons. First, I’m having a low-key day today, so I thought it would be fun to invite everyone to join me in a live strength class this evening atsix Eastern. No equipment needed! On the live, you can submit questions to me about anything, and I’ll answer some between sets. Fitness questions, clothing recommendations, relationship stuff. Go for it! I also wanted to tell you that I’ll be back in the CycleLove studio in ten days, at nine a.m. Eastern, six a.m. Pacific. If you’ve ridden with me before, I can’t wait to ride with you again. And if you haven’t, I’ll share a code in the live for you to get a free month and see what CycleLove is all about. I’m excited to see you tonight and I can’t wait to ride with you soon!”
There. I drop to the floor and collapse against the wall. I don’t know how I’m going to pull myself together enough to do a live class tonight. I thought teaching was hard when I was in my little rut before this trip, but that was nothing compared to the emotional decimation of the last two days.
I should’ve never left Los Angeles.
The hotel gym is basic. A row of treadmills and elliptical machines, a rower, and an open space with free weights. Rubber floor tiles, fluorescent lighting, clean enough as long as you’re going to shower directly afterward. It’s the kind of place everyone comes across in their travels, which is exactly the point.
I’m wearing an orange floral-print All & Every set and a full face of makeup. Tracy and Summer are in my earbuds, ready to read me viewer questions. They’re going to pick the ones I least want to answer, I’m sure, and I’m going to take it with a smile.I chose this,I remind myself, but I still feel like I’m about to deliver my own eulogy.
“Hi, everyone!” The viewer number is high and climbing, but I try not to focus on it. “I’m so happy to be hanging out with you right now. We’re going to work up a sweat together and have some fun, and I couldn’t ask for more on this lovely Thursday night, so thank you for being here. Now, let’s start with squats.”
I demonstrate the proper form, and at least that feels comfortable. “You should be proud of yourself for doing this right now,” I say. “We spend a lot of energy on other people. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but sometimes it’s not. Imagine if you could get back all the effort you wasted on someone you were interested in who didn’t reciprocate? You’d be a superhero. So let’s take that energy and put it into a set of speed skaters.Go.”
I follow that up with rounds of dead bugs and push-ups. Then it’s time for a sip of water and the first question.
“What were the highlights of your road trip? It looks so fun and I’d love to do one someday,” Summer reads.
Images flash in my mind. Belly-laughing with Nate in the car, a thousand times over two thousand miles. Winning The Floor Is Lava with him. Our night in the RV. But in this world, for this version of me, none of that happened. “The people. The people you’re with—the people you meet—that’s what makes a trip like this special.” I add feebly: “And Colorado was beautiful.”
Another round of exercises. I rise from a set of bird dogs and brush off my thighs. “Maybe you can’t count on someone who says things like ‘I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now.’ But you know what you should be able to count on? Your pelvic floor.”
That’s true, I guess, but my tongue is heavy in mymouth, weighed down by the phoniness of it all. Teaching this class is an out-of-body experience. I don’t know who this person is, peppering in sassy faux wisdom between sets.
The second question is a request for advice about workplace romances—Don’t do it,I want to shout, but I refrain. Caleb still works at CycleLove too, so I answer as diplomatically as possible.
The end is within reach. One more round, and one more question, and then I’m going to see my best friend and not show my face online until I go back to work.
