Page 81 of Fun at Parties
“There’s nothing worse than someone like me complaining, though. Too much money, too many people wanting to talk to me, blah blah blah.”
“You’re allowed to talk about your problems,” I say, as if I haven’t made the exact same argument. But when she says it, it feels different. Wrong. “Maybe not to someone with bigger problems, but that’s not me. My biggest problem is that I’ve been transformed into a meme.”
She bites her lip, fighting a smile. “Yeah, Logan told me about that. I’d already seen the video, of course.”
I laugh. “Of course.”
“So what’s the deal? You’re struggling with being suddenly notorious?”
A server sets a tray on the side of the bar, and a bartender fills it with mixed drinks and shots. “It’s a long story. That’s part of it, but I had already been feeling overwhelmed about work. Everything changed there recently, and now my roommate is leaving, and things are going to keep changing when I get back because of the video, and it’s all stressful.”
“And what about the guy?”
“No idea what you’re talking about,” I deadpan. “As the official ambassador for single people everywhere, there is no guy.”
Breanne snorts. “It’s funny. You said Logan and Nate have stuff to figure out, but Logan left you guys in California because the two ofyouhad stuff to figure out.”
I take a long sip of my own whiskey-and-diet and wonder how long he’s known. Was it just in Tahoe, or before that? Does Bailey know too?
“So did you figure it out?” she presses.
“It’s not…” I sputter. “It doesn’t matter. We’re enjoying a fun couple weeks together, because after this, I’m going back to L.A. and he’s moving to New Jersey.” I narrow my eyes. “You ask a lot of questions, you know. What about you and Logan? What’s going on there?”
“I’d much rather talk about someone other than myself,” she says. “But nothing’s going on. We realized veryquickly after the show that we’re great as friends, but not as more than that.”
“Does it bother you that people speculate so much? I came across some weird stuff about you two on the Internet when we were trying to find you yesterday.”
She laughs. “Oh, you found weird stuff on the Internet when you were trying to stalk me? How shocking.” She exhales deeply. “Yeah, sometimes it bothers me. I used to try not to post anything that would rile people up, but it didn’t work, so now I do what I want. But it still gets to me.”
“Sounds overwhelming.”
She appraises me. “You use that word a lot, you know. Overwhelmed, overwhelming.”
I sip my drink. “Yeah?”
“This might be overstepping, so feel free to tell me to fuck off,” she says. “But did you know that if you ask most people to name all the emotions they’ve ever felt, they only list, like, two or three? My therapist used to encourage me to really think about what emotions I was actually feeling, because I always said I was mad. I was mad about everything. But when I dug deeper, a lot of what I thought was anger was actually sadness. I wasn’t just pissed when I felt like my privacy was being invaded, I was also mourning the life I gave up. Learning how to identify what I was really feeling and why was so powerful for me.”
“You think ‘overwhelmed’ is the wrong word?” If she only knew that the other word I use to describe my feelings isred.
“Not the wrong word,” she says. “But maybe notspecific enough. It kind of seems like you’re overwhelmed by a feeling you don’t want to name.”
“I try not to dwell on anything negative. Lately I’ve been feeling like that’s not working.”
“No wonder you exploded on camera.”
I swallow. “I guess I’m afraid of what will happen if I think about it too much. I don’t have a lot of options, so if what I really need is a change…and I can’t make that change…then what? I’m stuck feeling shitty.”
“ ‘Afraid’ is an emotion. Congratulations.” She high-fives me. “And you canalwaysmake a change.”
This is the perfect opening to segue into a conversation about All & Every, but I can’t make the words come out. I am so tired of hustling. Is tired an emotion? But I’m so close. I need to push through.
Before I can psych myself up, my phone hums on the bar top.Can you and Breanne come outside now?
I show her the screen. “We’ve been summoned.”
She slides off her stool and drains her drink. “Let’s go see how they’re doing.”
It’s close to midnight, and there are lots of people on the street, wandering from bar to bar. Still, I spot Nate and Logan right away. Nate’s hands are in his pockets, but his shoulders are relaxed, and Logan is laughing, his teeth bright under his dark mustache. My heart perks up.
