Page 31 of Fun at Parties
“Of course I like you,” he said eventually, sounding so miserable it only made me feel worse. He gave me a pleading look. Pleading with me to stop, I realized. Then he added, “But it’s not a good idea.”
His words knocked the wind out of me. Oh my god. Hedidn’treciprocate my feelings. Sure, he liked me—but not romantically. Everything he said was a roundabout way of trying to talk me out of embarrassing myself.
The devastation threatened to crush me, but I tried not to move, not to give myself away. “You’re probably right,” I said when I was sure my voice wouldn’t crack.
“Quinn—”
“No, forget I said anything.”
After that, he didn’t respond. I shifted onto my back. This time, none of our limbs touched.
Breaking down in front of him wasn’t an option, but neither was escaping. I was too shattered to move. I thought what I had with Nate was what liking the right person—maybe even loving the right person—was supposed to feel like. But apparently while I’d been imagining our future, he hadn’t been thinking about me at all.
I haven’t been the same person since that night. And now it’s time to figure out why it happened the way it did.
Nate’s expression only gets tighter. “You’re sure you want to do this here?”
I nod. “I was so sure you felt the same way I did.”
A gritty, frustrated noise slips out of him. This time, he drops his mouth to my ear. “I did, Quinn. Of course I did. I felt more strongly than you did, I’m sure. I just wasn’t brave enough to admit it.”
The combined effect of his words and the flashing lights is dizzying. I hold on to his arm. “What does that mean? Why would you have to be brave?”
He laughs weakly, running a hand through his hair. “Because your career was taking off—deservedly—and I was leaving to go play pool basketball with a bunch of eight-year-olds? And I knew Caleb would be all over youthe minute I left. He was on a mission for you from the day you moved to L.A.”
“You didn’t trust me to do one month of long-distance?”
Nate takes me by the shoulders, catching my eyes with his. “It wasn’t that. I didn’t doubt your character. I just didn’t feel like I was good enough. I was afraid you’d regret it.”
This can’t be true. I wanted him so much; wasn’t it obvious? But this is the same Nate who didn’t go to college because his shitty dad tried to rig his SAT score, who makes self-deprecating jokes more than he should, who has always gone with the flow instead of pursuing or even imagining a big goal for himself. He’s not just laid-back. He’s insecure.
“I tried to tell you how I was feeling,” he says. “I didn’t do a great job, but honestly, Quinn, it’s not easy to talk to you about difficult things. You kept brushing it off, and I figured there was no way you cared about me as much as I cared about you if you wouldn’t take those things seriously.”
My head is hot and achy. “I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“I wouldn’t have understood it this way at the time. But now I see where we both went wrong.” The strobe lights flash, highlighting the intense sincerity on his face.
I have to break away. “I really thought you didn’t want me,” I say. “That fucked me up. That I had read it so wrong. I think that’s why I ended up with Caleb. He was so clear about what he wanted from the outset.”
He swallows. “When you got together with him, it felt like proof that my fears were right. You had every right tomove on. But it was too hard to see you two together, so I distanced myself.”
My hands are shaking, so I clasp them together in front of my face. He pulls them down gently. “I’m so sorry, Quinn. Upsetting you is the last thing I want to do. I know you’ve had a lot going on.” He hesitates. “The breakup was difficult for you?”
Why would he use that word? We never even kissed. But I guess if I stopped talking to Michelle or Bailey the way I stopped talking to him, it wouldfeellike a breakup.
Oh, wait. He’s talking about Caleb. The dance floor is starting to look like a kaleidoscope, tiny fragments of light and color and sound, and I can’t think straight.
“No breakup is easy,” I say slowly. “But some are a good thing in the long run. And others are completely heartbreaking.”
He flinches. “I know it won’t help. It’s okay to be sad. But you need to know that he didn’t deserve you.”
I take a step, but my center of gravity is sloshing around in a tub of tequila right now, so I stumble.
“Whoa.” Nate wraps an arm around my waist. “Let’s go, okay?”
“But Logan…”
He guides me back toward the pool area, which leads to the exit. “We’ll figure it out tomorrow.”
