Page 100 of One on One
“I was hoping we could talk after we get back to campus.”
I huff. “You’ve been ignoring me completely for days, and now you want to talk?”
He tilts his head toward mine. “I’ve wanted to talk to you every single minute of every single day, Annie.”
My heart rate ratchets up a notch at the softness in his voice. Talking. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I want to jump into his lap and never leave, or maybe into the street, where I can crowd-surf all the way back to New Jersey. I want to know how the conversation is going to go, or maybe never find out so I can live off the best version of it in my imagination for the rest of my life.
Whatever mixed emotions I’m experiencing will have to go unresolved a bit longer. “Not today. I’m going away for a few days. My flight is this afternoon, but I’ll be back on Thursday.”
“Okay,” he says with an easy nod, like maybe Eric already told him where I’m going. “Good. But there are a few things I need to say now.” He moves to rest a hand on my knee, then thinks better of it and grabs the railing. “First, I can’t stop watching your last video, and thinking about how lucky we all are that you came back here. I’ve also started talking to a therapist. I met with her this week. I think I need to work through…everything, with a professional.”
“That’s good,” I say stiffly. “I’m a big fan of therapy.”
“Second.” He turns his knees toward me, so he’s looking me square in the eyes. “I need you to know that I turned down Maynard’s job offer on Saturday night. Before the press conference, before I knew anything.”
My mouth falls open. “Why?”
“I thought about waiting, so I could see how things went when you and I talked. If you wanted me, I could’ve turned it down then. If you didn’t, I could’ve gone. But I knew how uneasy you were about the possibility of me working with him, even though I obviously didn’t understand why. I knew it would be lurking over our heads. And I didn’t want to waste another second talking to you about him when we could be talking about us instead.” He lets out an anemic laugh. “Funny how that worked out.”
“I know that was big for you,” I say, my throat burning.
“Also, someone once told me that I spend too much time worrying about what I’m supposed to do for other people. At the end of the day, I didn’t want the job. There are no Wawas in the state of Arizona.”
A snotty laugh escapes my mouth. I dig through my pocket for a tissue.
“I’m so sorry he did what he did to you.” His voice is coarse with emotion. “I’m sorry he made basketball feel like an unsafe place for you. I’m sorry for the things I did this year that hurt you. I’m sorry they published the story early. You deserve so much more than what you’ve gotten. I hate that I made you miserable when you came back, when it took so much courage for you to do that.”
“I can get past all of that,” I say. “But, Ben, you abandoned me when I needed you most. I thought you didn’t believe me.”
His mouth freezes in an O-shape. “I never doubted you for a second.”
“You couldn’t even look at me!”
“I was so ashamed,” he says. His hand finds my knee, andI allow it. “I was ashamed of how oblivious I was, of how I made things worse for you. I was sick over the fact that Maynard thought I was someone he could hire and make complicit in what he was doing at Arizona Tech—that I almost let it happen. I didn’t know how to make any of it right. I needed to think after you told me everything, and I kept sticking my foot in my mouth the whole time we were talking, so I figured you’d be better off if I gave you space until I got my shit together.”
I bite back the urge to ask why he didn’t just communicate with me about how he was feeling. It’s not like I’m an expert on that front myself. “I should’ve told you everything earlier,” I admit. “My self-protective instincts are too strong. I’m working on it.”
The corner of his mouth lifts.
“I saw you talking to Maynard at the game,” I say. “You weren’t asking him if it was true?”
Ben squeezes my knee. “No. I told him how disgusted I was, and that our relationship was over. I told him I’m paying him back the money he gave my family for my mom’s tuition. I don’t want to owe him anything, even symbolically.”
“And you’re not mad at me for the article? Our boosters could’ve run for the hills. No jobs. No gymnastics program.”
“I’m proud of you. I wish I could’ve been there to support you from the beginning. Jesus, Annie, do you not understand how I feel about you?”
“You never wanted to talk about your feelings,” I say, barely maintaining a straight face.
He shakes his head. “Speaking of which, one more thing.” Quiet falls over us as he turns his gaze away from me,toward the bus in front of us. I take the opportunity to study him: the dent in his bottom lip where he’s biting it, the cold-reddened tip of his nose. He looks more focused on the road ahead than the guy driving the bus, probably. His face glows in the watercolor April sunshine. It never fails. The perfect light always finds him.
The silence continues. Maybe I misheard him. Maybe he changed his mind.
“Ben?” I ask.
“Just—wait a minute.” He cranes his neck. “Two minutes. Give me two minutes.”
I wipe my nose again, put the tissue away. When he finally looks back at me, his eyes are so soft it’s not fair. Those eyes feel like he’s holding me.
