Page 117 of Damnation
“No. We don’t have to do anything anymore. You told me everything you needed to last night. And after this morning, if there’s anyone who needs to fuck off, it’s you.” I turn my back to him and take Logan’s elbow, gesturing for him to follow me. I know perfectly well that this is going to enrage Thomas, but I don’t care.
I don’t even have time to get my key in the lock before Thomas is grabbing my wrist to stop me. Then, everything happens too fast. I see Logan moving closer to me, as if intending to free me from Thomas’s grasp, and I see Thomas grab Logan by the collar of his shirt and slam him ferociously against the wall. It’s a horrible bit of déjà vu.
“Touch her again, and you’re finished,” Thomas tells him, an inch away from his face. The veins in his neck are throbbing. His voice is so low. Rough. So devoid of emotion that he doesn’t even sound human.
Logan, however, remains unintimidated and merely gives him a mocking smirk. He knows that things between Thomas and me have changed, and now he wants to provoke him. Under different circumstances, I’d get angry and tell him to leave. But I hate Thomas so much right now that I have no intention of stopping Logan. In fact, his brazenness inspires my own. I jerk Thomas back with all the strength that I have and jab a finger at him.
“You have no right to treat him like that! You have no right toshow up here and pretend you want to talk to me, and you no longer have any right to make a scene like this. So just leave and get out of my life!” This time, I open the door without any interference. I take Logan by the arm, and before Thomas’s confused and impotent eyes, I slam the door right in his face.
Thomas yells my name as he pounds his fist repeatedly on the door. His blows are so hard that I’m afraid he’s going to break the wood at any moment. Fortunately, we hear a campus security officer intervene and, with no small amount of effort, force Thomas to leave the dorm, shouting threats and curses as he goes.
I close my eyes, let out a sigh, and, with a voice full of shame, I turn to Logan. “I’m sorry you got mixed up in all of this. For the umpteenth time. You always end up getting hurt.”
Mortified, I look at the wrinkled collar of his navy-blue sweater, which brings out the color of his eyes.
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” He smiles reassuringly at me. But I feel anything but calm or reassured. My pulse is racing, my breathing is labored. I hurt. I hurt like hell.
“If you don’t mind, I’m going to go take a shower. I really need it.”
“Sure, go for it. I’ll stay here.”
After showering and putting on the thickest pajamas that I have, I sit down with Logan on the sofa. He’s waiting for me with a mug of hot tea in his hands. He gives it to me as soon as I sit down. “I took the liberty of using the kettle I found in the kitchen. It’ll be good for you to drink something warm. Are you feeling a little better?”
I shake my head, clasping my hands around the hot mug. I take a sip of tea before looking at Logan with tear-filled eyes and answering, “It’s going to be a while before I feel better.”
He lays his arm along the back of the sofa and moves closer to me. “What happened? Would you like to tell me about it now?”
“What happened is that I keep falling in love with the wrong guys. All wrong…” I take a long breath, doing my best not to fully burst into tears again. “I fall in love with them, and they destroy me.” From the regretful face he gives me, I can tell that there’s no need for me to addanything else. I put the mug on the coffee table in front of us, closing my eyes and brushing back my hair. I see the same scene I’ve been watching on loop since this morning. I’ll never be able to scrub it from my mind again. And then his eyes…Thomas’s eyes, so full of desperation, begging me to believe him. The same eyes, the same desperation that I just saw in the hall before Logan arrived. Before I yelled at him to go and kicked him out as harshly as I could.
“I knew he was going to hurt you sooner or later,” Logan murmurs, troubled.
“I never thought he’d be able to hurt me this much,” I admit, my gaze locked on the floor.
“Hey.” Logan touches my cheek, brushing a tear away with his thumb. “You don’t deserve this. These tears…” He rubs another one away, bringing his face closer to mine. “With me, you wouldn’t have cried.”
“Logan…” I whisper, my vision blurry. Then I put my hand over his and move it away from my face.
“It’s okay. I’m not asking for anything. It’s just that sometimes I regret not trying harder.” With one finger, he strokes the back of my hand. We stare at one another in silence as the thoughts spin uncontrollably inside my head. I’ve been pushing Logan away all this time because I was afraid of undermining my relationship with Thomas. A relationship that has just been as undermined as it’s possible to be. And now Logan is right here, and he’s being so sweet and considerate that I wonder how I ever could have treated him so poorly before.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” he asks, bringing me back to my senses.
I shake my head. “You mean on top of everything you’ve already done? No, but thank you. Thank you for not even hesitating to come get me. And for driving me around town and making sure I got home. I’m sorry I called you out of the blue like that. I’m guessing you had your own things going on, and I—”
He interrupts me. “You don’t need to be sorry or even thank me. I did it because I wanted to.”
I give him a grimace that I hope can pass for a smile. Then I stand up, preparing to walk him to the door, and he follows me.
“Call me if you need anything, okay?” he advises me. I nod but I’m not very sure it was a convincing one. He tucks a strand of hair back behind my ear. “I mean it,” he insists, looking closely at me.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.” I stand up on my tiptoes to hug him. I keep on holding him, for perhaps a few seconds longer than necessary. With my chin pressed into his neck, I can smell cedar. My fingers interlace around the back of his neck, caressing his honey-colored hair. And I’m aware of the mixed signals that I’m sending him, but I don’t stop. The truth is, I want to prove something to myself. That I can feel anything, even the slightest bit of emotion, through all the pain. I want to so badly. But I can’t.
I feel his hands slide down my back and grip my hips. Then his lips are brushing my earlobe. “Do you want me to stay?” he whispers into my ear. I understand immediately what his question means. I don’t say yes. But I don’t say no either. I slowly back away from him, lowering myself down on to my heels.
We just keep staring at each other for a few moments, until Logan cups my face in his hands and kisses me on the lips. I remain perfectly still. And he must have noticed that his kiss isn’t being returned because he takes a half step back. “S-sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” He rubs his eyes with his right index finger. “It’s just that—”
I don’t let him finish the sentence. Instead, I grab his face with my hands and pull him into me. I kiss him in a way that hurts me, that makes me feel soiled. Like my whole body has been covered in slime. But I pretend that isn’t how it feels. I close my eyes, hoping to banish the feeling of repulsion that is taking over my body. Repulsion at the knowledge that the lips I’m kissing don’t belong to the man I love. The tongue that entwines with mine is not the tongue of the man I love. And then these hands that push me back against the sofa are not the hands of the man I love. The man I want. The man I feel like I belong to.
But the little voice inside my head reminds me that man doesn’tbelong to me anymore. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. And the pain of it is too much for my heart to hold.
