Page 40 of Damnation
“Did you trying calling her to find out what she wants?”
I lift my head a bit to get a better look at his face. “No. And I don’t intend to, Thomas. She has my number; she could call me at any time, but she doesn’t.” I let out a nearly inaudible snort and shake my head again. “Believe me, she’s not looking for an explanation; she just wants to make things worse. She probably can’t figure out why I’m not on my knees at her front door, begging her to let me back in.” I let my head fall back and continue to slide my finger along the ouroboros that covers his abdomen, following the circle all the way around. We remain silent for a bit.
“Ness,” Thomas says finally, sighing loudly. “I’m the last person who should be giving you this kind of advice, but I think you should talk to her. Whatever happened between you, this is no good for either of you. You should both find a way to put aside your differences and stop this pointless war.”
I stop tracing the lines of his tattoos, growing serious. “I’m not going to war with her,” I say bitterly. “If anything, she’s the one doing that to me. She’s unbearable. She’s never open to conversation; she just steamrolls people. You saw the way she talked to you when you came to our house. She didn’t even know you. Do you think you were the first person she treated that way? No, it’s how she is. You can hear it in the way she talks about people; she always has to be a cut above everyone else, looking down on them…”
“You’re losing time with her that you can never get back,” he interrupts, looking me in the eye. “For what? Some petty disagreement? Is it really worth it?”
“I didn’t create this situation, okay? She’s the one who cannot accept that she’s no longer in control of my life. And am I understanding you correctly? Are you defending her?” I demand, propping myself up on my elbows.
Thomas gets into a sitting position, and I mirror him, never taking my eyes off of him.
“I’m not defending her. I’m trying to keep you from someday regretting the choices you’re making right now in the heat of the moment.”
I stare at him, increasingly confused, and I wonder if he isn’t talking more to himself than to me, if that wasn’t exactly what happened to him. After all, we all have our burdens to bear, and Thomas seems to have a lot of weight on his shoulders.
“That won’t happen,” I assure him. “I’ve forgiven my mother for lots of things, but she crossed the line this time.”
He doesn’t answer. Instead, he bows his head and looks at the floor, brooding on unknown dark thoughts.
“What’s wrong, Thomas?” I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. A shadow moves over his features, as if he’s being tormented by something. After a few moments of silence, he answers me.
“Have you ever looked into your mother’s eyes and seen nothing but contempt for the daughter that you are?”
His question catches me off guard, and I feel a pain lancing through my heart, so intense and unexpected that, for a moment, I struggle to breathe.
“No…” I manage vaguely, my voice barely audible.
“Then believe me, you’re lucky.”
He pulls my hands from his face and stands up, ready to flee from me and this conversation, but I stop him. I pull him back down, my eyes glistening after what I just heard. “Did that happen to you, Thomas?”
He stares at me, more serious than I’ve ever seen him before. “A lot worse than that has happened to me.”
My mouth drops open, even though my lungs feel empty of air. My heart is pounding relentlessly, and I feel like my palms are starting to sweat.
“What happened to you?”
Thomas stares at me obliquely, letting only his mistrust show in his face. “Nothing you really want to hear about,” he argues, looking away.
“No, I want to.” I wrap my shaking hands around his arm. “I want to know everything about you.”
“Actually, I don’t think you do. Because if you knew the whole truth, you’d never look at me the same again. You’d see me for what I am. And what I am, Ness? You wouldn’t like it at all.”
“That could never happen.” I straddle the middle of his body and take his face in my hands again, staring into him. “My eyes will always look at you just this way, do you understand? Always.” My voice trembles a little bit, but I continue: “You can talk to me about anything. Confide all your secrets in me, confess all your sins… I will be here, by your side. I promise you, Thomas. I promise you I won’t leave.”
When he lowers his eyes, he looks so unexpectedly vulnerable that I feel a sudden urge to wrap my arms around him. But I resist that impulse, because I know that kind of gesture in this moment would make him feel pitied.
Thomas sighs, sliding a hand over his face, while I feel an unpleasant anguished sensation growing in my chest.Talk to me, I beg him silently. And then, to my enormous surprise, he actually does.
“Remember that night I came to the Marsy drunk?”
I nod, focused on him.
“That wasn’t an isolated incident.”
“What do you mean?”
