Page 130 of Damnation
I nod my head.
He squints at me. “You sure?”
“I’ve been better.”
“Would you…I don’t know…maybe like to talk about it?” he asks, looking uncertain and apprehensive.
“No. It’s just stupid matters of the heart.”
“Oh.” He sits up straighter. “I…I didn’t know that you…I mean, that you had a boyfriend.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know,” I tell him sharply.
He falls silent, looking at me like I just slapped him.
“Touché.” He stares down at his clasped hands on the table. I can almost see them trembling. “Listen, I want to apologize to you again. I know I handled your arrival in the worst possible way, but you have to believe me, I was completely caught off guard.”
I nod. “Yes, I can understand that.”
We are momentarily interrupted by the waitress, who sets our coffees down on the table. Then we’re alone again.
He takes a deep breath before making another attempt: “Vanessa, please don’t get me wrong, but…why are you here? Did something happen at home? Is your mother okay?”
“Nothing happened, and Mom is good. Or…how she always is, at least,” I manage, unable to suppress an annoyed grimace. I take a drink of my coffee, and after dabbing my lips with a napkin, I continue: “Is it really so weird that after you completely disappeared for three years, I felt the need to come looking for you?”
“No, of course not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think that.” He fidgets in his chair as though it’s suddenly gotten too small to contain him. “Everything’s so difficult…”
“Yes, I actually find it very difficult to understand your choices,” I snap. I have no desire to be conciliatory. In fact, I don’t think I’m capable of it anymore.
“I must have looked like such a coward to you,” he says, almost ashamed. “But I want you to know that things are not always as they seem.”
I wrap my hands around my cup. “And what does that mean?”
We stare into each other’s eyes for a silent moment. “I never wanted to leave like that.”
Although I feel a pang in my heart, I am determined not to feel sorry for him. “But you did. And you never looked back. Which means, all things considered, it must have gone pretty well for you.”
He wrings his hands and says, almost breathlessly, “I had no choice.”
I stare at him, astounded. “You had no choice but to basically disown Mom and me, abandoning us like garbage on a curb?”
His eyes widen resentfully. Then he shakes his head and averts his eyes, focusing on stirring his coffee. “I wanted to call you, I wanted to come and see you, I wanted you to come see me, spend some time with Liam…but it wasn’t possible.”
“If you really wanted me, I would have gone with you. I don’t think you had a gun to your head.”
He bites his lip hesitantly. When he finally breaks the silence, he sounds like each word takes extreme effort. “It was your mother. She stopped me.” He says it through gritted teeth.
I leap to my feet, the legs of my chair screeching on the floor. “I’m not going to let you say that about Mom! She’s got a lot of flaws, and sure, she was angry and hurt at the time, but she knew how much I suffered because you weren’t there! She never would have kept me from you! She never did! You’re the one who left; you’re the one who chose another family. Trying to shift the blame onto her just makes you a miserable, petty liar!”
“Please believe me,” he begs, lowering his voice, probably in the hopes that I’ll do the same. “I’m not trying to shift the blame. I just want to be honest with you.”
I stare at him, my mouth fallen open. “And why on earth would she do that?”
“Because there are things…things you don’t know.”
“What don’t I know? What are you talking about?” I ask him, sitting back down.
He shakes his head. “You should ask your mother about it.”
