Page 13 of Damnation
His forehead creases as he frowns at me. “What?”
I shrug. “That’s what you just said.”
“I said that I liked the idea of pissing him off. I didn’t say that’s why I did it,” he answers, annoyed.
“Then why did you do it?” My voice nearly trembles.
Thomas rests an elbow on the rolled-down window and stares out at the road with an uncertain frown on his face.
“Thomas, please tell me.”
He sighs, looking sideways at me and, after a few interminable moments, finally decides to speak. “The first time I ever saw you, I was training with the guys off campus. It was a summer afternoon, and I’d just recently moved to Corvallis.” He speaks as though he’s confessing this to himself more than to me. “You were sitting on this little wall with Travis’s sister. You were reading something, probably one of your super boring books. You just sat there with your head bent over the pages and played with a little bit of your hair…” He gives me a sideways glance and lifts one corner of his mouth. “It was shorter than it is now.”
I wonder how it is possible that I have no memory of that day.
“You weren’t alone on that wall. There were other girls who were there just to give me flirty looks, trying to get my number or just to get laid. But not you. You never even looked at me. You weren’t looking at your boyfriend either. You didn’t look anywhere except down at that book. You were shut up in your own little world. Then Travis called over to you because he wanted to show you a shot, and you looked up, smiled a little bit, then immediately went back to reading. But in that brief moment, I got a look at your eyes, and they were the same color as the ocean when it’s stormy, and I could see all of that, all that storm, inside of you. You looked so melancholy and fascinating, you were just…gorgeous.” He shakes his head. “But you were the team captain’s girlfriend, and there are strict rules among guys. When he broke them all last summer by messing with my sister, I felt entitled to break some in return.” He turns to face me. “That doesn’t mean I was using youto punish him. It just means that I liked you and I wanted you. And I would have made you mine no matter what.”
I blink once, then twice. Three times. I am incredulous…and moved.
“Are you about to cry?” Thomas pulls a face, trying to deflate the moment. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I knew it; you’re too emotional. All I told you was that I’ve always liked you, not that I dream of marrying you and fathering your kids or whatever.”
And there it is, landing on my heart like a ton of bricks. God. Will he ever be able to resist undermining the few nice things he allows to sneak out of his mouth? I cross my arms over my chest petulantly and stiffen in my seat, immediately annoyed. I would like to be even more irritated, but that damned butterfly feeling in my belly won’t let me.
He’s always liked me.
“I understood what you said; there’s no need to clarify. And I wasn’t crying; I’m just surprised. I mean, I never realized.”
“I didn’t give you a chance.”
We turn into the campus parking lot and stop. I look at him with a frown. “One thing I still don’t understand, though: If you decided to take philosophy because you liked me, then why did you act like such an ass that morning? You were arrogant, rude, and generally unbearable. You ruined the whole lesson for me.”
“I liked teasing you; you’d snap at every little thing,” he answers, smiling slyly as he pulls the keys from the ignition. “And honestly, that condescending, judgmental teacher’s-pet attitude of yours was pretty annoying.”
“I–I…I’m not judgmental.” I start to defend myself, not entirely sure I’m telling the truth.
Thomas refutes my statement with a sidelong glance.
He starts to open the door and get out, but I stop him with a hand on his arm. He can’t seriously think he’s going to just drop a bomb like that and then act like nothing happened. I look him straight in the eyes. “Is it true?” I bite my lip nervously before continuing. “Haveyou always liked me?” I murmur, somewhat ashamed to be asking for confirmation.
Thomas leans closer and rubs his nose against mine while I stare bemusedly into his eyes, magnetic but unknowable. With his warm breath tickling my face, I feel like I could get lost in him so easily that it almost scares me. I swallow nervously, and just as I’m about to be the first to look away, he smiles at me. Just before kissing me, he whispers, “Always.”
Four
Three knocks on the car window make me start.
When I turn, I spot Tiffany, bent at the waist so her breasts are level with us. There’s a fixed smile on her face, her red hair hangs forward, and her floral perfume wafts in through the half-open window.
“You two are worse than a roller coaster,” she greets us with an exasperated sigh. I can’t really blame her; just yesterday I called her in the middle of the night, desperate to know where Thomas was, and today she finds us making out in his car like two hormonal teenagers.
“Buzz off, Collins. I need to talk to her,” Tiff says, dismissing Thomas unceremoniously.
I frown and study the small tension lines on his otherwise peaceful face. Tiffany opens the car door and gestures for me to get out, reaching in to grab my arm. Thomas gives a resigned shake of his head before grabbing his gym bag and leaving. As he walks away, he clicks the door lock and sticks a cigarette in his mouth, giving me a sly smile as he does it. My cheeks flame once again.
“What happened? You seem tense,” I ask her as soon as we are alone. She is mangling her lip between her teeth. “Well?” I insist, worried for her.
Tiffany grabs my shoulders and, with a laugh that falls somewhere between delighted and hysterical, exclaims, “I’m coming to live with you!”
I stare at her, unmoving, uncomprehending.
