Page 125 of Damnation
Grateful to her, I came back to visit frequently in the following days. During one of those visits, Dorothy confessed to me that she’d found my father’s new address. It happened by accident when she’d gotten a letter for my father and contacted him to have it forwarded to his new house. I refused to write it down, though. I was too angry. I didn’t want to know anything about him anymore.
But now things are different. After hearing Tiffany’s advice, I feel like I have to face all of my demons if I ever want to feel good again.
Dorothy is surprised for a moment. Then, without batting an eye, she gets up from the table with slow, weary movements and heads for the entryway. I track her with my eyes and watch as she pulls a crumpled piece of paper from a chest of drawers. “I knew this moment would come, sooner or later.” She returns to me and, smiling sweetly, presses the note into my hands. “The address is right here.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m at the airport. The panic that grips me as I stare at the flight information boards is directly proportional to the size of this place. It’s the first time I’ve ever set foot in an airport in my life. And I’m doing it alone. Without the slightest idea of what is waiting for me. My throat is dry and my breathing is labored as I fan myself with a one-way ticket to Billings, Montana.
Part of me can’t help but think that I’d feel better if Thomas were here. More secure. More protected. Ready to face what comes. But he’s not here. And that’s not what I really want. I can be enough. I want to—and I have to—learn how to be enough.
When my phone rings, I answer without even checking who it is, because I can’t tear my eyes away from the boards.
“Hello?”
“You finished all your exams and I’m proud of you, but don’t think you’re going to get away from me that easily. We’re going Christmas shopping this afternoon!”
“Tiff…” I murmur, unable to add anything else.
“I’ll swing by after lunch, so be ready. I don’t want to hear any excuses.”
“Uh, I…I can’t.”
“Why not? Don’t tell me you’re back in bed!”
“No, I’m…I’m at the airport.”
Silence falls for a few moments while I imagine her blinking in surprise.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“In ten minutes, I’m getting on a flight to Montana.”
Again, there is a very long, very anxious silence. “Did you by chance hit your head recently?”
“I know it sounds crazy. But I’ve thought a lot about what you said to me the other night. About needing to reconstruct my life, remember?”
“Sure, but what does that have to do with Montana?” she asks, unsettled.
“It has to do with Montana because that’s where my father lives.”
“Oh…” she says loudly, as if everything has suddenly become clear to her. “I forgot about that.”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, I get it. And what are you going to do when you get there?”
“I don’t know.” I sit down in a flimsy chair, letting out all the air from my lungs. “Honestly, I haven’t the faintest. I don’t have a plan. I just want to talk to him. I want to ask him why he left, why he stopped reaching out to me.”
“Montana isn’t exactly next door, though. It’s kinda wild to go by yourself, especially at the last minute like this.”
“I’ll be careful. I’m sorry I’m telling you this over the phone, but I didn’t want to talk about my plan before it came together. And then everything happened so fast this morning, and before I knew it, I was standing here with a one-way ticket in my hand.”
“Why a one-way? Nessy, just how long are you intending to be gone?”
I take a deep breath. “I’ll be back by the start of next semester. After winter break.”
“Three weeks?”
“I know it’s a long time, but I feel like I really have to do this. I feel like I need to take some time for myself, no matter how it goes with my dad. I need to get away from all the turmoil here in Corvallis.”
