Page 106 of Damnation
“Are you okay? You look…” Logan’s voice comes to me like an echo from far away. My mind blurry with anxiety, I leap to my feet.
“Sorry, Logan, but I have to go.”
“What, now?”
“I–I’m sorry, I promise I’ll make it up to you,” I babble, stuffing textbooks and notebooks into my bag as he stares at me, bewildered.
“Hold on, you’re scaring me.” He grasps my hand. “What happened?”
I fervently shake my head. “D-don’t ask me, please, I don’t know what to say.” I pull free and run away, swerving around students as I pass. I run with no idea where I’m headed, only that I need to get off campus right away. Rolling my eyes skyward, I clutch my phone to my chest and take a series of deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart.
Breathe, Vanessa. Breathe. You have to breathe.
But I can’t. Why can’t I breathe?
All around me I hear confused murmuring, see blurry images. Cold shivers pass through my body. I have never felt like this before in my entire life. What is happening to me? Am I having a heart attack? Am I dying? I need to do something. I think I need an ambulance.
“Vanessa…”
I recognize Logan’s voice behind me, and I want to turn around but I really…really can’t. I feel trapped, petrified, like my feet have been glued to the concrete. All I can hear is the beating of my heart against my rib cage and my breaths getting shorter and shorter.
“Vanessa, give me your hand, come with me,” he says softly, now by my side.
I shake my head no, unable to manage a single word. I don’t wantto go anywhere. I just want this to stop, but it only gets worse. My ears are tingling, and my head feels like it’s about to explode.
“I’m afraid you’re having a panic attack. And being here, surrounded by all these people, isn’t good for you. Come with me. I’ll take you inside, into the lobby, and you’ll feel calmer there, I promise.” He takes my hand, and I, incapable of thought, let him pull me back into the entranceway.
“Here, sit down.” He eases me into a soft chair. He unzips his sweatshirt, takes it off, and wraps it around my shoulders, rubbing my arms as he does. “Now, listen carefully to me. I need you to take some deep breaths, okay?”
I shake my head. I can’t do what he’s asking me to do.
Fortunately, he seems to understand. He kneels down so he can look into my eyes and takes my hands in his. “You can control this; I promise you that you can. It is all in your head.”
I close my eyes and try to make myself to do as he says. I force air into my lungs over and over again.
“Good job; keep going. I’ll go get you some water.”
By the time he comes back, my heartbeat has almost returned to its regular rhythm. I drink all the water and hand him back the empty bottle, taking one last deep breath. “Feeling better?” he asks.
I nod. “I…I don’t know what happened to me.” I press my fingers into my temples, bowing my head. I feel embarrassed and stupid.
“You had a panic attack,” he says again.
I raise my head, still in shock. “That’s the first time it’s ever happened to me, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that it felt like I was dying.”
He nods. “The feelings are more or less the same, yeah. It happens during especially stressful times. The hardest part is learning to control them.”
“You seem to know a lot about the subject.”
He lowers his eyes, focusing on the floor. “I’ve been living with them for years.” Then he adds, almost shamefacedly, “For a little while, I went to therapy for it, but it didn’t help me that much.”
I wince. “I’m sorry…I didn’t know.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he reassures me. “Instead, do you maybe feel like telling me what happened? My therapist always told me that it’s easier to control your fears if you know what’s triggering them.”
That oppressive feeling starts brewing in my chest again. “I really don’t feel like talking about it right now,” I admit after another deep breath.
“Of course. I understand.” He stands up and holds out a hand to help me do the same. “Are you sure you feel okay? Should I go get you some more water?”
