Page 37 of Collision
I want to be angry, but remorse is eating me up inside. “I know,” I say simply.
“And then you exacerbate things with all that stuff about the Collinses. You make me out to be a liar, but I’m not the one lying to you, Nessy. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a liar.” His words hit me like a slap in the face because I’m the one, in fact, who has a guilty conscience. “Do you really want to know why I hate him so much? It’s because I overheard him in the locker room a while ago saying some really sleazy stuff about Tiff. His sister is cut from the same cloth. They get their kicks turning other people’s lives upside down.”
“Hold on…about Tiff? But that’s…ridiculous. And Leila… She seemed like a nice girl to me.”
“They are good at charming people, that’s why I don’t want you to get too close to him. Or to her. Look at us, they’ve already got us fighting.”
Indeed, there’s a part of me that has to admit everything seems to have taken a wrong turn since Thomas started approaching me.
“Are you telling me the truth, Travis?” I ask suspiciously.
“Of course I am,” he answers, looking deep into my eyes. Despite the sense of unease I still feel, I decide to trust him. He would never lie to me so blatantly. Instead, I am the one feeling dirtier than I ever have before. “All right, I believe you,” I sigh. Travis hugs me and, although hesitant, I allow him to kiss me.
At lunchtime, I head to the cafeteria, where Alex and Tiffany are waiting for me, while Travis is with his teammates. The Ducks players must have arrived already, because the room is crowded with studentsin green sweatshirts. I look around and I catch a glimpse of my friends at a table in the back. I walk toward them, but a player from the opposing team—very tall, with dark hair and eyes—walks past me along with a group of other students. He gives me a wink and a flirty smile.
His beauty has me stupefied for a few moments, so much so that I stumble over a bag left on the floor next to a table. Cheeks burning, I hurry and catch up with my friends. I don’t understand what is going on these days, why everyone seems to have taken notice of me all of a sudden. What’s different about me?
Sighing, I sit down next to Tiffany. Alex studies me for a moment, and I see him start to fret.
“What happened? You look pretty shaken up,” he says, stretching his hand across the table to take mine. I don’t even know where to start, but I decide to confide in them. At least partially.
“I got into an argument with Travis this morning…” I begin.
They both give me the same resigned expression. “Again?”
I nod and rest my head on Tiff’s shoulder. “We cleared it up right away, but I don’t know… I feel a little exhausted. This has been the most intense week we’ve had in a long time,” I murmur, distressed.
“You already know how I feel about Travis: you deserve better,” Alex replies.
“The thing is, sometimes… I’m not so sure that I do.” I steal a chip from his plate and nibble on it.
He looks at me, aghast. “What are you talking about? Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know, Alex. Maybe I deserve it. After all, I’m the one letting him disrespect me time after time, always forgiving him.”
“But no one should mistreat a person just because they’re good enough to forgive you,” he exclaims, gobsmacked.
“Alex has a point,” Tiffany interjects. “Travis is my brother. But, if I were in your position, I would have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.”
“The thing is… You know he was the first and only for me,” I confess in a low tone. “I can’t imagine being with someone else,” Icontinue. “Sometimes I think that, without Travis, I’d be alone forever. No one wants to waste their time on someone like me,” I admit with a hint of shame.
Tiffany’s eyes widen. “Vanessa, you are talking crazy.”
I shrug. “Why would anyone want to be with me, if they could get everything I have to offer from any other girl? Girls who are much more beautiful, more capable, and more experienced?”
“You cannot be serious right now.”
“I am serious, though. There is nothing special about me. Nothing desirable.” I bite my thumbnail.
“Have you seen yourself?” Alex cries in amazement. “As a man, I can assure you that is not the case.”
I roll my eyes. “Having some curves doesn’t put me ahead of anyone else. In fact, the only thing I get out of it are horny looks from creeps.”
“Okay, now you listen to me,” Tiffany interrupts me. “Nessy, you are completely beautiful, inside and out! You’re the sweetest, most sensitive person that I know, you care about others, you try not to hurt anyone, and you always see the good in people. You don’t care about outside appearances, and you are always yourself, even when that means being unconventional. Do you realize how much strength of character it takes to be yourself in a society that wants everyone to be the same?” She pauses and continues, “You’ve been putting up with my brother for two years! Two years! You deserve a sainthood just for that. And when I tell you that my brother does not deserve you, I am being completely goddamned honest! He is constantly being an asshole to you to try and feel superior, but you just are superior. You don’t have to be afraid to find out who you are without him, because I am absolutely certain that you will only shine brighter. And he knows it too, that’s why he keeps you tied down to a sham of a relationship that no longer has any reason to exist. You are not the one who needs him, Nessy, he’s the one who needs you.”
Her words move me so much that I have to hug her. “Are you sure you want to be a criminologist and not a life coach? You would be perfect,” I joke to disperse some tension.
Alex comes over and sits next to me, squeezing my shoulders with one strong arm as if to infuse me with courage. I really want to be completely honest and tell them all about Thomas and about the strange new feelings he is stirring up in me. But every part of my life that he touches seems to fall apart, so I decide to keep quiet.
