Page 141 of Collision
“What couldn’t he get?” asks Alex.
“What?”
“You said he couldn’t get what he wanted from you. What did he want?” I can hear Tiffany trying to hold back a giggle next to me; she’ll have it all figured out by now. Dammit, why don’t I ever pay attention to what I’m saying?
“Nothing, just forget about it. You wouldn’t understand,” I answer, averting my gaze and brushing some crumbs off the blankets.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the hurt expression on Alex’s face. I wish I could tell him that the problem isn’t talking to him about it. Rather, it is the incredible shame I would feel having to explain to my best friend about this absurd relationship that Thomas and I have developed.
“Try me,” Alex urges me.
I stare at him for a few seconds, unsure what to do, before forcing myself to just spit it all out. “Okay. He…he wants to be with me, but he doesn’t really want to be with me.”
He frowns. “I’m not following.”
“See? I told you you wouldn’t understand.” I sigh and try to find a way to say it more clearly. “He wants to be with me, but he doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend because that would suggest an emotional involvement that he would not be able to reciprocate or sustain.” I grimace unhappily. “Just the idea of having a relationship with me makes him laugh, Alex,” I add, mortified.
“Laugh?” he echoes in disbelief. “I’m beginning to think this guy has even more problems than he appears to. So what is it that he actually wants? An open relationship where you’re both free to date other people?”
I shake my head. “No, it would just be me and him.”
The confusion in his eyes is increasing by the second.
“In my house, that is called a relationship.”
“Yes, a twisted relationship, Alex. Basically, he says he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, but more often than not, that’s what he acts like.”
“I have a theory of my own,” interjects Tiff who has been listening raptly this whole time.
“And what would that be?”
“I think he’s scared,” she suggests.
I stare at her in amazement for a few seconds before bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter. “Scared? Tiff, we are talking about the same person, aren’t we?”
“He’s offered a legit relationship to you but tried to disguise it as something it’s not. Why would he do that except out of fear? Why else would a guy like him give up all the girls who will give him exactly what he wants whenever he wants it for you and impose the same limit on you? If you ask me, you’re trying to break down an open door, my friend.”
I freeze for a moment. “And, in your opinion, what’s his reason? I mean, why would he be afraid of me? I’m a little lamb compared to him, and it’s clear to everyone that, right now, he’s the one holding the knife. I should be the one who’s scared.”
“Maybe that’s it. Maybe, in his own way, he’s trying to protect your feelings.”
“I think Tiff is right,” Alex interjects. “I mean, as a guy, I can understand it. I was a little afraid to really let myself fall for Stella, knowing that a long-distance relationship could wind up hurting me. Letting go like that requires courage.”
“But that would imply that he has no feelings. And that I am not worth being brave for,” I murmur. Saying it out loud hurts even more than thinking it.
Alex’s face turns apprehensive. “I don’t want to have to say what I’m going to say and I want to apologize in advance.” He takes my hand and squeezes it with his own. “But you can’t force someone to love you. And you can’t blame them if it doesn’t happen.” Every word is like a stab to my heart.
“I don’t…I don’t blame him. It’s not about that. It’s just that, sometimes I get the feeling that he really cares about me but other times he treats me like I don’t matter to him at all. But you’re right. It’s not his fault; he’s always been clear about what he feels and what he wants. I’m the one to blame here. I should have backed away before anything even started.”
“I don’t think you should give up, though,” says Tiff, leaning her head on my shoulder. “I’ve never seen you so into anyone before. I think you should give it a real try, 100 percent. You only live once,” she concludes, as if to reassure me.
Part of me actually feels the same way Alex does. Yet, the mere idea of not having Thomas in my life anymore makes me feel like…like there’s a knot in my throat keeping me from breathing. And that part of me wants to gamble everything, to go “100 percent.” My God, this whole thing is crazy. I am crazy. Crazy about him.
Thirty-Seven
Talking with my two best friends has reassured me. I still feel like I’m caught in a whirlwind of emotions but I manage to get through the weekend without any casualties. On Saturday morning, Tiffany told me that Travis was leaving for sure, and I finally processed that news. I’m once again speaking to Mom exclusively in monosyllables; it has become our only form of communication. Alex updated me on his plan to visit Stella in Vancouver at the end of the month to celebrate Thanksgiving together. I’m just grateful that it’s finally Sunday evening. For the last three days, I have had to constantly beat back thoughts of Thomas. His prolonged silence has only fueled my fear: he forgot about me right away and must be out having fun with God knows who. This suspicion burrows deep within my mind, making it hard for me to concentrate, even on studying. In fact, I’ve barely touched my books these last few days. Snuggled under the comforter, I am listening to music and trying not to think, when I get a message from an unknown number.
You awake?
