Page 126 of Collision
“Don’t fucking push it!” he growls, attracting the attention of some people swimming near us. I’m speechless in front of him. I look around, embarrassed. I almost feel like crying.
“I wonder, is there anything I can talk to you about?” I turn to leave, but he grabs me by the arm.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Away. I’m not going to argue with you for the third time in one day and this time in front of the whole university.” I try to pull my arm out of his grip, but he won’t let go of me.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“Thomas, I want to leave,” I tell him resolutely.
He takes a deep breath and whispers, “That accident was the end and the beginning of everything. A wound that will never heal.” He pulls my wrist forward with an abrupt jerk and presses my hand to his side. “This scar reminds me every day of what I had, what I lost, and what I’ll never get back. Never.” The pain in his voice makes me crumble into thousands of pieces.
I touch his mouth with two fingers, dismayed. Whatever it is, I can see that it is destroying him, and that annihilates me. So, I don’t push. “Please, don’t say anything else. I’m sorry.” I hug him, resting my mouth on the crook of his neck, and I can feel him relax into my arms. “I wasn’t—wasn’t trying to force you to remember. I just let my mouth run away with me like always,” I whisper wryly, hoping to soothe a little bit of the tension I can feel creeping over him.
But Thomas doesn’t laugh. He just holds me tighter, as if this pool were made for just the two of us, as though I might fly away from him at any moment. “There’s too much darkness inside me for you to understand, but don’t turn your back on me because of it,” he pleads in a soft voice.
My heart breaks. I look at him and put my hands on his cheeks in a tender caress. “I won’t,” I murmur a few inches from his mouth. Right now I want nothing more than to kiss him. Kiss him until I take his breath away, until he forgets everything that hurts. But I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. “I’d like to get out of here,” I confess.
Thomas nods, wraps his hands around my hips, and lifts me up to sit on the edge of the pool. “Let’s go together.”
“Okay,” I reply, but it was clear from the tone of his voice that he wouldn’t have accepted any other answer. As Thomas jumps out from the water and shakes his hair, smoothing it back with one hand, I search for Alex and Tiffany among the crowd of people in the pool. Once I spot Tiff, I mouth, “I’m leaving with Thomas,” at her. She gives me a nod and a mischievous little smile.
I tell Thomas that I’m going back in to get dressed before we go. “I’ll wait for you,” he answers.
I pass the garden where some guys, decidedly tipsy, are playing soccer with a carved pumpkin and laughing loudly. I head for the pool house. There isn’t a soul around because everyone is at the party. It takes just a few minutes to dress and get ready, then I leave again. When I walk back down the pathway to return to Thomas, someone with an iron grip seizes my wrist and pulls me into a dark corner, giving me a start.
“Couldn’t you at least try not to rub him in my face?” The strong smell of alcohol makes me realize that Travis is not in full possession of his faculties. What is he still doing here? Tiffany said he was gone. Has he been spying on me all this time?
“Travis, let go of my wrist right now, you’re hurting me.” He doesn’t let go. He keeps squeezing me angrily.
“You left me because I cheated on you. But you’ll get with that guy? Who fucks one girl after another?”
“Let me go,” I repeat in a stern voice.
He skewers me with a glare , but finally releases my wrist. I massage my skin, trying to soothe the pain. “I’m not with him. And you didn’t just cheat, you did much worse. Also, am I to understand that you spent the evening spying on me?”
“I don’t have to spy on you, seems like you’re not trying to hide anything. So now you just spend your days getting fucked by that rat? I don’t recognize you anymore. You’re no longer the Nessy I fell in love with. She was a serious girl. She would never have done anything like this. I can hardly even look you in the face, knowing that he’s touched it.”
Oh, that’s rich.
“If you had loved me even a little bit, you wouldn’t have done what you did. For the first time in my life, I feel free to do whatever I want without any constraints. And you know what, Travis? If that means you can’t look me in the face anymore, then don’t. I’d rather be fucked by him than looked at by you any day,” I confess, completely without shame and leaving him stunned.
“So this is how it’s going to be from now on?”
I shrug. “Look away, if you don’t like what you see.”
He snorts in disbelief, ducking his head. “You said I was paranoid… But look what happened: I lost you because of him.”
I goggle at him. “You did not lose me because of him. You lost me because of you!”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” he says hotly, raising his voice. “I regret it, believe me! I hate myself for what I did to you. But I missyou. I miss you so much. I miss having lunch with you, sleeping with you. Picking you up and taking you to campus. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile… That’s what I miss most of all. Seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you is killing me. I’m begging you, please forgive me. Give me another chance. Let me make up for my mistakes.”
“You are crazy if you think I’d ever get back together with you.” I give him a thoroughly disgusted look.
“I still love you.”
“But I don’t. I probably stopped even before I learned the truth. So I won’t be getting back together with you, not now and not ever.” I stare straight into his eyes.
