Page 121 of Collision
I frown. “What act are you talking about?”
“Which act? The one where you are as attracted to me as I am to you, but for some stupid reason you won’t let yourself go. You let your customers touch you for a few bucks, you let the first dickhead who makes cow eyes at you and tosses a few compliments your way hump you against a wall, you even kiss your best friend. But if I do it, I’m a piece of shit, right?”
Of course! Because none of them have the power to destroy me with a word like you do, you idiot!
“It’s not about that,” I say instead in a low voice.
“And what is it about?”
“Leave it alone.”
“Tell me.” He takes a step toward me.
“Need I remind you what happened the last time I let go with you? You made me feel so pathetic that I was ashamed of myself. I won’t let that happen again. You and I want different things. I want stability, you want freedom. I want a relationship; you want to avoid ties. You are careful not to take on any kind of responsibility. I get that, and that’s fine with me, but you can forget about using me as one of your dalliances.”
“The fact that I don’t want relationships doesn’t mean I don’t want you,” he replies seriously.
“Oh, no? And what does it mean, then? That you’ll use me, but then you can just leave because you have no moral obligation toward me? Does it mean that you can sneak out of my bed and, only a few hours later, play grab-ass with another girl in the university cafeteria without thinking about how that makes me feel?” By the end of my speech, I’m shouting so loudly that for a moment I imagine a whole crowd of people outside the door, intently eavesdropping on this pitiful scene.
He lets out an annoyed sigh. “I’ve already told you, I haven’t had a real fuck in weeks.”
“And you really expect me to believe that? I saw you all over I don’t how many other girls while we weren’t talking. Don’t treat me like an idiot, I’ll take offense.” I cross my arms over my chest and look away from him.
“Yeah, you’re right, I fooled around with some of them because, guess what? I’m a man and I have urges. But whether you believe it or not, I haven’t been able to go all the way with any of them. And do you know why? Because all the time, my fucking head is full of—”
I cut him off angrily. “Some other girl. My God, you’ve already said that! And that only proves my point: you’re thinking about someone else but you demand that I—” He slaps his hand over my mouth to shut me up.
“Of you! In my head, there’s only you. Stupid shrew that you are.”
I remain frozen for a handful of seconds, attempting to process his words. He looks at me, waiting for a reaction. Then, with a sudden jerk, I pull his hand off my mouth.
“What did you say?”
He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back. He advances again, stalking me. “Stop running away.”
“Stop saying bullshit.”
“Does it sound like bullshit to you?”
“Need I remind you that yesterday morning you were the one who told me that you were about to have sex with Shana? And now you tell me that you couldn’t do anything with anyone because you were thinking about me? Yes, I think it’s a load of bullshit.”
“I only said that because you made me.”
I bring my hand to my chest. “Imade you? And how did I do that?”
“You wouldn’t stop talking about how you were my friend,” he says, leveling a deadly stare at me. “A friend, Ness? Do you act like this with your friends?”
“But I am your friend. Or at least, I’m trying to be.”
“Jesus Christ…” Frustrated, he runs a hand through his hair. “Are you my friend?” He approaches me aggressively and, without askingpermission, slips his hand between my legs. I gasp, caught off guard. “You let your friends do this to you?”
He applies more pressure to my most sensitive spot; pleasure tears through me. “Do you enjoy feeling your friends’ hands on you?” He slides my bottoms to the side, penetrating me with one finger. “Inside you?” he asks hungrily, his breath on my skin.
“Stop it!” I push him away forcefully, hitting his chest. “You’re an animal, Thomas!”
“And you’re a liar!” he yells, the vein in his neck swollen with rage. Then he steps back abruptly, wiping his fingers on his sweatshirt nervously.
My head is spinning. We are both out of control. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. He turns away and I let myself collapse on the floor. I tuck my knees up against my chest, rubbing my temples with my head bowed. “What the hell do you want from me?” I ask him finally, exhausted.
