Page 111 of Collision
“How could I have been so stupid? How could I have bonded with a person who categorically rejects any kind of human bond?” I murmur with my cheek pressed against her shoulder.
“Because we can’t control what we feel. Our emotions run right over us. They overwhelm us. Sometimes they bleed us dry. They render us helpless and all we can do is go along for the ride, hoping not to get destroyed along the way.”
We pull away from our embrace and I look at her sadly. “Feelings are a bitch.”
“True. But sometimes it’s the bitch that makes life worth living.” She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “What are you going to do about Logan?”
“I have no idea. The closer I get to Thomas, the more I realize that he’ll never be able to give me what I want. Logan, on the other hand, is attentive, sweet, and caring. And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to find a girl waiting around in front of his door. Logan can give me everything I need, and I don’t even have to ask him to, you know?”
“But he can never give you what you really want.”
“I can’t get what I want anyway. Not in the way I would want it,” I say passively, shrugging.
“But… You can’t be with Logan if your heart beats for someone else.”
“The feelings will go away, sooner or later. But Thomas will always be the same.”
The heartbroken expression that suddenly darkens her face makes me realize that, unfortunately, she agrees with me. “You know what weshould do now?” She sits up straight. “Let’s drown all our sorrows in a giant plate of tacos, the really greasy kind. What do you say?”
Her attempt to lift my mood does my heart good. I smile at her. “I say that sounds perfect. I’ll text Alex to come too.”
She stands up, gives me a kiss on the cheek and pulls me to my feet.
During lunch, Tiffany tells us that Carol is celebrating Halloween with a pool party—intentional this time—and invites us all to go together. I am not entirely convinced that I want to go. The idea of showing up in a bikini in front of this avalanche of people terrifies me. “The last time didn’t go so well, remember?” I remind her, taking a sip of water. Inevitably, my mind turns to Thomas and the night I spent with him. Strange, that night should have been devastating because of my breakup with Travis, yet the first thing I think of is that tattooed lout. That guy has monopolized my thoughts. Sometimes, it scares me the way he manages to make me forget about everything, becoming the single point around which I orbit.
“I know, honey, but the situation is completely different this time. First of all, Travis won’t be there. I’ve been very clear about that. Secondly, I’m sure we’ll have fun.”
“Hmm, and what do I do about work?”
“I can pick you up when your shift is over,” she answer easily.
“Tiff is right, between school and work, you barely have time to breathe these days,” Alex adds.
“And what about you? Will you come?” Tiffany asks him.
“I’ll think about it. School started two months ago, and I haven’t been to any parties yet. Not that I think it’s so fundamentally important, but it is Halloween. What the hell, I’ve gotta do something, right?” Alex chuckles.
“See?” Tiff squeals, giving me a fierce look. “Alex is coming. You can’t refuse!”
“Ugh, fine,” I say resignedly. I wonder why, after all these years I still try to argue with someone like Tiffany. I always end up doing as she says.
When my classes are over, I drop by Matt’s to shower. I’ve beenlooking forward to this for hours. It feels strange to be here at the frat house again, in the same place where I gave myself to Thomas for the first time. Just thinking about it conjures this heaviness in my chest. Luckily for me there is no one here at this time of day. I climb the stairs to get to Matt’s room and find myself forced to walk past Thomas’s. For a second, I am almost tempted to go in. The last time I was there, I had no idea that I was about to spend some of the most beautiful hours of my life in that room. Without really thinking about it, I lay a hand on the door and close my eyes, remembering those moments. Remembering him. Him, holding me tightly. Him, sitting on the cold bathroom tiles, taking care of me at my worst. Him, touching me passionately and kissing me gently.
“Damn it…” I whisper, resting my forehead against the wood. The squeak of a door opening downstairs, accompanied by masculine laughter, brings me back to my senses. I jump back and scurry to take refuge in Matt’s room, closing the door behind me.
The room is very large, strangely neat and bright. The walls are painted canary yellow, the bed at the back is large, but not like Thomas’s. On a white cabinet, there’s a television, a laptop, and a gaming console.
I head to the bathroom, and I am pleased to discover that it’s identical to the one in Thomas’s room, only it doesn’t smell like him.
After showering, I slip back into my black cotton underwear. I am about to dress when my phone, which I had left on the bed, starts ringing. I reach for it. It’s Logan. A sudden feeling of guilt floods my chest. I hesitate before answering, biting my lip. If he knew what I did with Thomas, he probably wouldn’t want to hear from me again.
“Hey sweetie, how are you?” he greets me.
“Hey, I’m good. How are you? Did you get home okay?” I press my knee into the mattress, biting my nails.
“Yeah. I’ve been here four hours and I’m already regretting it.” I hear a buzz of voices in the background.
“Is everything okay?”
