Page 90 of Collision
“Free from what?” I’m asking too many questions, I know I am. But I can never figure out what’s going on in his head, and I want sobadly to know. His hard eyes linger on mine, and I am unable to resist them. And, for a split second, I even think that he is about to let me into his inaccessible world.
But then for some reason he looks away and just says, “From lots of things.”
Disappointment washes over me.Bravo, Thomas. Keep it up. Keep closing in on yourself. We’ll make great strides this way.
“And what does that have to do with me?”
“What do you mean?” He bends his head slightly toward me, confused.
“I mean, this is your little piece of paradise, right? You should guard it. Or is it just another way to impress girls?” I ask, in more sour a tone than I would have liked.
“I don’t need to impress you if that’s what you mean. I already know you like me, I’m not stupid,” he says with his usual bravado.
“Thomas…” I laugh nervously and bend down to tie my sneakers as a distraction. “I don’t like you. Not anymore, at least.”
“Don’t waste your time trying to bullshit me. I can see it in the way you look at me, the way your body reacts every time I touch you.” My hands tremble at this observation. “We both know what’s going on here.”
I get back to my feet and clear my throat. “And what exactly is going on here?”
“I like you and you like me. But that’s all it is: attraction.”
“If that’s all it is, why are you so set on wanting to be my friend? You’re attracted to a lot of girls, Thomas. But you’re not friends with any of them,” I point out indignantly.
He takes a step toward me, coming so close that I feel his fresh breath on my face, it smells like the mint gum he’s always chewing. “Because I am selfish, and I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you at all,” he admits without hesitation.
I shake my head. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“It does, though.”
“Then explain it to me; I’m all ears.” I cross my arms, waiting to understand.
He snorts and then decides to come clean. “I’m used to getting what I want, whenever I want it. But I suppose there are limits, even for a piece of shit like me.”
“A limit you no longer intend to push with me?”
“Exactly.”
“Why?”
“Because… You’re different from the other girls I’m used to being with.” He lowers his gaze, then raises it again and gives me a slight smile. “You’re funny, simple, and naive. A pure soul. I like that about you, and I want you to keep being that way. My getting close to you would ruin you.” He pauses, then adds, “And to answer your question, I’ve never brought anyone here.”
“You brought me…”
“Yeah, and don’t get any ideas about that. We’re here because I didn’t know where else to go.” He lights a cigarette and then sits down with his legs dangling out over the river. I shake my head and finally give up on the idea of understanding him. I sit beside him, and we’re silent together for a while. The river below us flows rapidly, and it is pleasant to listen to the splashing of water, the flow of the current, and the occasional honks of the waterfowl. Soon, though, the atmosphere grows heavy. I notice that Thomas is hunching his shoulders, his jaw clenched and his head bowed, as though brooding over something.
I want to ask him what he’s thinking, but I know he won’t tell me. I would like to hug him, to hold him tightly to me, but that would be inappropriate. I feel useless, I wish I could do more for him. Be more. It is for this reason that I decide to break the silence, even knowing I’m probably making the wrong move.
“Thomas…” I whisper after a while.
“Mhm?”
“Let me get to know you. For who you are, not who you pretend to be.”
The way he looks at me, like a cornered animal, cowering but ready to attack, throws me off.
“I am exactly who I seem to be.”
I shake my head in denial. “You don’t fool me, Collins. I’m sure you are much more than that. I’ve thought so since the first time I sat next to you, that night outside the gymnasium, and I got confirmation when you came to my house.”
