Page 44 of Collision
A flash of fear hits me right in the heart, and I begin to tremble. “I’m listening.”
Leila runs her hands over her braids, as if to check that they are in place, and takes a long, anguished breath. “The day we met at the gym, I lied to you. I told you that I didn’t know Travis, but that was a lie.”
“I figured,” I answer immediately in a cold voice.
She paces the room until she stops in front of me and looks at me. Ready to reveal everything. “You know that before I enrolled in college and had access to on-campus housing, I lived at Matt’s frat house in the room next to my brother’s for a year, right? That’s where, one evening this summer in mid-July, I met Travis. Matt was throwing another party; my brother was busy somewhere else. I was trying to stay locked in my room, but I kept hearing the noise from downstairs and the other rooms. You can imagine what they were up to. So, I went out to the backyard to sit undisturbed and write for a while, until this boy sat down next to me. I knew who he was because Travis always came to the frat parties and I had noticed him more than a few times. He’dnever mentioned a girlfriend, though, and he didn’t that night either, so I always thought he was single.
“We got to talking about a lot of things. He seemed really interested in me, in what I had to say. So when he tried to kiss me a few hours later, I didn’t pull away. And I didn’t put on the brakes when he asked me to take him back to my room, where I made the terrible mistake of sleeping with him. It was my first time, and he knew it. My judgment was clouded by the emotions of the moment, but I didn’t realize that until it was too late.”
My blood runs cold as I stare into her eyes, unblinking. “And, sure enough, when I woke up the next morning, he was gone.” An unhappy laugh escapes her, and my heart crumbles into a thousand pieces. “I ran into Matt instead, and he knew what had happened right away. He was the one who told me Travis had a girlfriend. I was completely shattered. I promised myself I’d never tell my brother about it, because he would go berserk, but I couldn’t hide the pain I was in. When I finally spilled my guts, the inevitable happened. Thomas went looking for Travis all over Corvallis and, when he found him, there was nothing anyone could do. They got into a very heated and violent confrontation. Afterward, I made him swear that he’d never do anything that stupid again. It was only then that he really tried to listen to me, seeing how the whole thing had been terribly humiliating for me. All I wanted to do was forget. During the last two weeks of August, I jumped through hoops to avoid him, but I knew that all my efforts were wasted the moment I set foot on campus.”
My ears are ringing, and nausea washes over me.
“I didn’t want to go to college anymore, because I knew I would see him again in class, at games, in the cafeteria. Everywhere. The shame was more than I could handle. A few days before the start of the semester, I went to the admissions office to withdraw. But then I caught him flirting with these two freshmen, and something clicked in my head. The idea of him just continuing to live his life with no qualms infuriated me. In that moment, I decided that I wasn’t going to let him have any control over my life. So I started walking around campus with my headheld high, going to the cafeteria and also to my brother’s practices. I refused to be afraid of his presence. If anything, he should have feared mine. But then fate played a dirty trick on me, when a girl with black hair and ash-gray eyes sat down beside me and introduced herself as the girlfriend of the bastard who had humiliated me.”
It’s like a hand is clenched around my heart, preventing me from breathing. My knees are shaking, and my hands… The world has fallen in on me. I cannot speak or think. Cold shivers run through my whole body. But I don’t cry. For once in my life, I don’t cry. I would like to cry, I desperately need it, to purge myself of all the disgust, pain, and anger I feel right now. But I can’t.
“Vanessa…” Leila’s voice rings faintly in my ear and pulls me from the trancelike state I’ve sunk into.
“I’m so sorry,” she says in a small voice, resting a hand on my knee. I hadn’t even realized she’d come over to me.
I get off the bed slowly, feeling that at any moment, a chasm might open up under my feet and swallow me down. But maybe I’m already in that chasm?
“Are you okay? Sorry, of course you aren’t okay.” She peers apprehensively at my blank face. “You’re starting to worry me. You’re really pale. Do you want a glass of water? Or do you want me to call someone?” Terrified, she pulls her phone from her pocket.
“No,” I reply, cold and impassive. I rub my temples, trying to process the information I have just heard. “I’m not okay at all.” I breathe slowly. “All of this is ridiculous, Leila. Travis would never do something like that. Yes, he’s not the best guy in the world, but he would never do that kind of thing, it’s too sleazy even for him. And I would have noticed,” I stammer, trying to convince myself. But a terrible doubt creeps into my mind: all those evenings spent at home alone… Travis always told me that his nights were taken up by practices, by his father…
“But he did do it,” she replies firmly.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why would I lie to you?” I can read the disappointment on herface. She is hurt by my lack of trust. But she’s lying. She has to be lying. Travis warned me. He told me to be on my guard around her.
“I don’t know, Leila! But I-I-I would have known if it was…like that!” I bury my hands in my hair, panicking. “I would have known if he was cheating on me! I would have known it! You’re wrong, Leila. You’ve got it wrong.”
She grabs my wrists in an affectionate squeeze. “I know that it hurts. It wasn’t easy for me to tell you. It’s still an open wound. But I can assure you that it’s all true.” She stares intently into my eyes. And all I see in her gaze is honesty, which is what finally makes me break down.
I can’t breathe. “I have to—I have to go.” I brush past her and move to the door.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks, distressed.
“No.” I turn toward her. “Excuse me. Forgive me, truly. I just need to be alone right now.”
“I’m sorry,” I hear her murmur as I close the door behind me.
I hurry down the first few steps, not knowing where to go. Fate is mocking me, because I just happen to find Travis, standing at the bottom of the stairs. He spots me and climbs halfway up to me, but as he approaches something seems to ring alarm bells for him. I look into his eyes and, suddenly, I am fully aware that everything Leila has told me is true. All the times he has told me to stay away from her and Thomas, Matt’s phrase “you’re even now,” Leila’s glassy stare when she learned that Travis was my boyfriend… I understand it all now. The truth hits me like a gut punch.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Vanessa?” He says my name in an anguished whisper. He moves closer and caresses my cheek.
I push his hand away and slap him so hard that I feel a tingle all over my palm. Fortunately, the loud music covers the sound of the slap, and the psychedelic lights block the view of it from the other partygoers, who continue to enjoy themselves and drink as if nothing has happened.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he growls furiously, rubbing his cheek.
“You’ve been with Leila.” My tone of voice is so controlled that Ialmost don’t recognize myself. “And God only knows how many other people.”
“What? I already told you, no!” He hunches his shoulders, exasperated.
“That wasn’t a question,” I reply sharply.
