Page 133 of Collision
Larry stands up straight and puffs out his chest, ready for a fight. “T-this is my apartment too; you can’t just throw me out.”
“Yes, and that,” Thomas jerks his thumb at the door behind him, “is my room, and I’ll let whoever I want in there.” He ends the conversation and drags me back into said room. I barely manage to give Larry a wave goodbye before Thomas closes the door. I’m about to ask him why his roommate doesn’t want girls around, but then I remember that he had already explained it to me. Larry doesn’t want girls in the dorm because Thomas brought over so many that it started to bother him. And if I think about that too much, I’ll be sick to my stomach.
“Everything okay?” he asks, seeing my troubled expression. “Don’t pay him any mind. He’s a weird dude, but it’s all fine.” He opens a dresser drawer and casually tosses me one of his shirts before lying down on the bed with his arms crossed behind his head.
I take off the towel without too much trepidation. The darkened room, lit only by the glow of the moon, makes me feel a little braver. I put on his shirt and, with only a little uncertainty, I lie down beside him, my hands in my lap. The sheets are still warm. I would like to hug him, to kiss him, and fall asleep tucked up close to him, but I am not at all sure Thomas would want that. After all, now that I think about it, he didn’t even want me to snuggle up to him while we were watching television.
I roll away from him, somewhat reluctantly, but he wraps one arm around my waist and forces me to turn and look at him. My mouth is suddenly inches from his chest; his comforting scent invades my nose. He smells like tobacco and sex, the smell of our bodies joined together that still hovers in the room. He rests his chin on my head and hugs me.
“Did I hurt you?” he asks a few seconds later.
I frown and tilt my head back until I can lift my eyes to him. Although the darkness of the room prevents me from seeing him completely, I can feel his watchful gaze on me. I shake my head no.
“I was impulsive. I should have held back, at least for tonight.”
“I’m fine. It felt good. Everything felt kind of…amplified, but I’m okay.” And it’s the truth. A truth that surprises me, too, but… that’s how it is. I didn’t mind being possessed by Thomas in that way. I found it exciting, at times painful, yes, but tremendously pleasurable. My body trusts him. And that’s why I felt safe—because I was with him.
Sensing Thomas’s distress, I caress his tense, rough jawline to reassure him, before moving on to his soft lips. I retrace the same path over and over again until I feel his muscles loosen, allowing me to continue my ministrations.
“How’s your shoulder?”
“Better.” I smile at his odd way of showing concern for me. The tone of his voice is cold and detached, but the way he holds me to him reveals something else entirely.
“You’d tell me, wouldn’t you? If it weren’t?” He frowns. I nod, but part of me isn’t sure I’m telling him the truth. The fact is, he would probably beat himself up even more when there is nothing he can do to solve the problem. I think this is one of those cases where certain things are better kept to myself.
He squeezes me a little tighter while I move my fingers into his hair and begin to stroke it slowly. It’s not long before I hear his breathing get heavier, and I realize that he has fallen asleep.
I, however, have no peace. Hours go by. Hours in which I should have been sleeping, but all I did was think. Thomas sleeps beside me, his back to me. I find myself staring at the window across the room, where the first rays of light from the sunrise are filtering in. The things he made me feel tonight overwhelm me like a hurricane. I don’t regret it, but I can’t stop thinking about how this will be all I ever get from him if I accept his proposal. Great sex, but nothing more. No walking hand in hand. No cuddling on the couch in front of a movie. No going out to the movies. No dinners out or unexpected gifts. No introductions to friends or relatives. Nothing at all. Above all else, he will continue to keep me in the dark about his past.
I want Thomas more than anything in the world. But not enoughto become another Shana, waiting around for something he will never be able to give me. I would only wind up heartbroken in the end.
I reach down to the floor and check the time on my phone. It’s six o’clock in the morning? Already? Dammit, I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night. Fortunately, I don’t have any classes today, and Thursday is my day off from the bar.
I slip out of bed and get dressed, careful not to wake Thomas. It’s not nice to sneak away without saying anything, but I suppose that’s also part of the “no strings attached” package. I’d rather leave of my own volition, saving him the inconvenience of trying to get rid of me without too much rigmarole.
I put on his sweatshirt, my skirt, and my shoes. I toss the bathing suit in my bag along with my sweater. Before leaving the room, I write a note and leave it on his bedside table, letting him know that I went back home. The first bus of the morning is due in exactly five minutes. If I hurry, I can still catch it.
When I arrive home, I see the Toyota parked in the driveway. I open the door cautiously, hoping not to find my mother awake, and the silence that blankets the house lets me know she’s still sleeping. I sigh in relief.
I climb the stairs with soft steps and take refuge in my room. I take off my clothes and bury my nose in Thomas’s sweatshirt to get a hint of that smell. Then I fold it carefully over my desk chair and put on my flannel pajamas. I close the curtains, silence my phone, and cover my eyes with my sleep mask before curling up under the covers, abandoning myself, finally, to a deep sleep.
Thirty-Three
A loud bang resounds in my ears. I whimper and stick my head under the pillow.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for your daughter?”
“And who might you be?”
Maybe I’m dreaming, but I could swear I recognize that voice.
“A friend.”
“I know all of my daughter’s friends, and you definitely aren’t one. Vanessa doesn’t hang out with guys like…you. Go bother someone else.”
What the…
