Page 87 of Spy With Me
He shook his head and searched for the right words. “I’m notsaying this properly. Probably because it’s new to me. How to explain it? Myfeelings for Tasha were peaceful. Like admiring a painting and thinking itwould be nice to live there. I didn’t make a move on her. When she got togetherwith Dare, I was genuinely happy for her.”
“And if Devi found someone?”
His gut tightened at the thought of someone else’s hands onher. He knew it didn’t make him a very modern man, and he would control theimpulse to take out anyone who would look at her, but she brought out his innercaveman. “I would take him apart with my bare hands. I would tear downeverything. I would… See, not peaceful feelings. And yet, when she’s close tome I’m more me than I am when she’s not around. When she’s with me, I feelcentered and ready to deal with things.”
Big Tag held up his glass. “And that is how you know it’sright. I understand what you’re saying. The feelings, the love… In thebeginning it’s all passion, but there’s an undercurrent, something deep insidethat tells you this one…this one could bring you something you’ve never knownbefore. Isn’t that worth fighting for, Zach?”
Did Big Tag think he hadn’t asked himself this question ahundred times? “For me, maybe. For Devi? I’m not a good bet for her. Shouldn’tI think about her first?”
“In all things, yes, but you also have to honor her and thatmeans acknowledging that she has a say in this relationship, and the first andmost important opinion she has is whether she wants to take the risk with you.You don’t get to make that choice for her.”
“She could get hurt.” Another thought that made him sick.
“Yes, and there’s no going back from that possibility,” BigTag pointed out. “Huisman knows who she is and who she’s with. She’s on hisradar, so the only thing you do by dumping her for her own good is leave heralone.”
He had to take that into consideration. His first thoughtwas to cleave to the words like a lifeline. He didn’t have to give her up. Hecouldn’t give her up. It wasn’t safe. “And if she doesn’t feel the same way?”
Big Tag waved that thought off. “I know my niece. Shewouldn’t sleep with you if she wasn’t in love with you. Oh, I’m not saying shecouldn’t have some casual sex. She could, but she wouldn’t show you off if shewasn’t serious. You went on double dates with Cooper and Kala. She would neverdo that with a casual fling.”
They had never been casual. Not even the first night, butthere was so much between them now. “That was before she knew the truth.”
“And she’s still standing up for you and telling me what Iwill and won’t do when it comes to you. Stop listening to the fear in her wordsand watch how she acts. Watch how she defends her territory. Her territory isyou. Watch how she gets jealous when she doesn’t need to be. That’s on you.”
He’d seen it in her eyes tonight, known she got a bit tensewhen Tasha walked in. “Hey, I’ve told her I never truly loved Tasha. I told herit was a crush and I’m happy Tash is happy.”
“But you held out on sleeping with her because she hurt yourfeelings.”
He wasn’t sure where Big Tag was getting his intel. “Shedidn’t want to sleep with me.”
“Liar.”
Fuck. He was getting it from Henry, of course. So there wasno way around this because Henry was a gossipy old dude like Tag. “Fine. Ididn’t want her to use me. I realized how stupid that was. I realized it didn’tmatter how she felt. I need this time with her. I need to have it to hold on toif the worst happens.”
“Drama.” Tag shook his head. “So you held out on her forweeks, and she’s wondering if you really wanted her in the first place.”
“I screwed up Lace…Lucy’s whole op for her. When I found outHuisman had her, I lost my shit. I didn’t care about anything but getting herback. I walked up to the group with the full knowledge that I might be takenin, but it was worth my freedom and whatever happened with my mom to make sureDevi was safe. How could she think I don’t want her?”
“Because in her head you want her last name, not her.” BigTag held up a hand when he was going to argue. “I know that’s not true. Youshould have figured out by now that we don’t need to share blood or last namesto be a family. But she heard the gossip and internalized it. Devi has a bigpersonality in a family of them. In other families, Devi would be the leader.”
He sighed. “And in this one she has Tasha and Kala.”
Big Tag’s lips quirked up. “I notice you didn’t includeKenz.”
He knew his team. “Kenz doesn’t want to be the leader. Sheloves her people and will do anything for them, but she’s more than willing tolet someone she trusts take control of the situation. That’s not how it is withTash and Kala. We’re lucky they don’t clash more often than they do.”
“Because Kala loves Tash and often just does what she wantsto do quietly and behind her sister’s back,” Big Tag admitted. “All I’m sayingis it can be hard to have these impulses and have nowhere to put them. I don’tknow why she’s trying to get a job at some big design house when she shouldbuild her own business. It would take all those instincts of hers and give theman outlet.”
“She’s drawing again,” he said quietly. “I think the weekswe spent on the farm helped quiet some of her doubts. Let her find her love fordesign again.”
If that was all she got out of this, he would be content.
“I think you’ll find her parents are grateful for that.They’ve been worried about her pinning her future on some low-level job wherethey won’t recognize her real talents.”
“She shouldn’t be designing bland sportswear. There are lotsof people who can pick colors for this season’s polo collection.” He knew whathe wanted her to do, what she secretly craved. “She needs her ownfetwear design business, although she’s also great withwedding dresses. I wish someone with cash would maybe invest in a shop for herand a good website design.”
Tag snorted. “Yeah, I’ll call her uncle and see what we cando. Let me tell you, life got easier when my brother married a billionaire. Miais a sucker, and it doesn’t hurt that they run their own club in Austin. Ithink if Devi would let her aunt try some samples, she might find a majorinvestor. So what I need is someone she cares about boosting her confidence.Can you think of any way to do that, Zach?”
And they were full circle again. “Sex.”
