Page 86 of Recklessly You
Bile rises in my throat, but I know she needs to hear it all. She deserves to know. “I did what I had to do,” I say, my voice low but firm. “I saved us.”
The ambulance took her, and my dad’s partner, Detective Johnson, dropped me off at Abuelita’s house that night.
The officers at the scene, chief, and detectives made a statement that Pablo had shot one of his gang members. No one ever confiscated my father’s gun or tested the bullet. No one ever spoke of me shooting the man... maybe they were hoping it would appear more like a dream than reality. Or, possibly, they must have known my mom and I couldn’t handle court matters when she had lost her husband and unborn children.
“I’m sorry, Mamá,” I say, my head drooping. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help him. I wish it had been me, Mamá. Then you wouldn’t have had to struggle so much on your own to raise Rosa and me—”
“No, no, Liam, look at me.”
I peer into her soft eyes.
“You were a child, Liam—an innocent child who didn’t deserve this. Losing my husband is painful, but it doesn’t compare to losing a child, Liam. I wouldn’t have survived without you. When I think of your little brothers, Noah and Daniel, all I have to do is look at you, and I know they would be just like you. And your papá—I see so much of him in you. Your personality, your heart of gold, and the same beautiful eyes as him.”
She wipes the tears skating down her face. It kills me to see her cry.
“You can’t blame yourself. You can’t keep living like this. That man, Pablo, is to blame, not you. Tell me, Liam, why are you not with Sophie?”
“How do you know about Sophie?”
“Inez.”
I sigh. Damn, that nosy neighbor.
I shrug. “It didn’t work out.”
She slams her fist on the table, stands up, then grabs a water bottle from the fridge. My eyebrows furrow. Her too. She sits and takes a sip.
“Why, Liam? You love her, don’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter—”
She shakes her head. “It does fucking matter, Liam. Why let her go if you love her? I don’t understand why you pushed her away.”
“I told her everything.”
“Did that scare her away?”
“No.”
She mutters something under her breath. “Then help me understand, Liam, what is going on in that head of yours? My son, tell me, please. Let me in, Liam. Since the day your father died, you haven’t shed a tear. Why?” The pleading in her voice breaks my heart.
I exhale. “Because, Mamá, I promised Papá I would be brave and strong. You didn’t need to deal with me. You lost your husband and the babies. I needed to be strong for you. I promised him I would take care of you.”
She stands and cups my cheeks so I can look at her. “Liam, no, no. That was not your burden to carry. I’m your mother. It’s my job to be strong and brave for you. You were a child. All I wanted was for you to be a kid to move past it and live. Let it all out, Liam. Free yourself.”
Her words hit hard. Live. Free yourself. I want to be free. I’m so tired. I want to live.
For the first time in years, I let the tears flow, lean on my mom’s shoulder, and cry, reliving the night I lost a part of me. I think about when he taught me how to throw a ball. When he would lift me up in the air, and I’d spread my arms like I was flying. When he’d lie on the floor and play Ninja Turtles with me. Those are the memories I want from today on. I won’t think of my father’s death as a weightbut as a legacy, he left behind for me to follow. From this point forward, I will speak his name with pride and throw off the shackles that have held me captive. The Rodriguez legacy will continue when I take up my position as a detective and bring down Pablo.
After ten minutes of blowing snot onto my mom’s shoulder, I lift my head. She smiles through the tears running down her face. “There he is, my son. Your papá would be so proud of you. I raised a fine young man. You and Rosa are my pride and joy. But Liam, honey, you know what would make me happy?”
“Huh?”
“Seeing my son happy with the woman he loves.”
I groan and stand up to grab two Tylenol from the kitchen cabinet. My head is pounding from the whirlwind of emotions rolling through me. I swallow them, washing them down with a bottle of water.
“This is the reason I let her go. She means too much to me. You heard what happened at the gala. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to her. My fear is starting a life with a woman I love and losing her because of my job—or what if I get shot? I wouldn’t want her to live the life we did, Mamá. I wouldn’t want her to be left struggling—watching you struggle, working two jobs, was hard. I don’t want that to happen to Sophie—I don’t want to leave kids behind.”
