Page 97 of Always You
“Things will get better, Mila.”
I glance into those baby blues. His lips are so close to mine. I blink.
“Brian,” I murmur as I pull away.
“Shit, Mila, I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to take advantage of the situation. I just got lost in those eyes of yours,” he says it bashfully.
“Don’t worry about it. I know you’re not like that.”
“I wish things could have worked out between us. You’re easy to fall for, Mila, this might not be the time to say this. But I feel if I don’t, I’ll never be able to tell you. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the day you walked out. I regret my words,” he says, with a painful expression.
I rest the palms of my hands on his. He’s in love with me. If only I could love him.
“I know, Brian, I wish I’d fallen for you. But my soul belongs to another. It wouldn’t be fair to you to offer you half of me. You’re an amazing man, you deserve more than I can offer,” I say earnestly.
His finger sweeps my lips. “I can help you forget, pretty girl, just tonight. Let me show you how much you mean to me. Give us a chance, Mila.” His eyes are filled with hope—tears streamed down my cheek.
I wish I could forget. Not a night goes by when I am not assaulted by these memories. I’ll just end up hurting him. I can’t get his hopes up. I kiss his cheek and stare into those beautiful eyes. I trace my thumb along his perfect lips. I kiss the corner of his lips. I love Brian, but I’m not in love with him. I thank him for the coffee and walk into the night's blue sky.
* * *
The nights grow long. I stare up at the ceiling of my dark bedroom. I feel the empty space next to my bed, feeling for the spot where he slept. Is she in his bed? What part of us was true? All of it, or part of it? When did he get back with her? Was it after our date? Did he plan to end it then? Is this why he did all that on our last night together? Why would he do this to me? That night, he made love to me, I felt it in every thrust as his eyes peered into mine, locked. At that moment, I didn’t see it. I was so lost in the lustful moment, falling deeper in love with him, when he was saying goodbye. I asked these questions to myself repeatedly.
My dreams of the fire have increased, and I am replaying the night and the echoes of my screams. They shift to Dominic with Samantha. The photos of them together. I exhale a painful breath as sleep takes me a second time.
* * *
Depression hits hard, and all I want to do is cry in bed. I cry for loving a man who didn’t love me as I thought, a man who lied and cheated on me. I cry for my amazing father, who I miss profoundly; he was such a great man. He did not deserve to die. It’s been a long time since I’ve visited his grave. Sitting cross-legged, I trace the inscription of his grave, which I have memorized with my fingers.Leonardo Amaro, beloved father. A man who loved his wife fiercely.
He once told me, when I asked if he would ever marry again, he said mom was the only woman for him. He would say, “Pumpkin, the greatest gift of life is finding the love of your life. Some will never find it. Others believe they will find love again if they’re lucky. For me, I only have and will ever have one love. She gave me love enough to last a lifetime; she showed me how to love unconditionally. She loved with so much conviction, and so much heart. She loved me through my weakest moments and my strongest ones. She’s my soulmate, destined for me. Someday, pumpkin, you’ll find the soulmate destined for you; you will know it by how you feel because you won’t feel that way with anyone but him. You’ll just know. She was my sunshine, and her smile lit up a room just like yours. Her green eyes sparkled just like yours, honey. Her laugh was contagious; she could make a bad day good. I see her in you; that’s all I need to survive, pumpkin. I’m good, honey.”
Oh, Dad, I miss you, but I know you’re with momnow. I-I n-need you, Dad, so much right now. Dad guide me—tell me what to do. I’m lost without you. How do I love again? How do I trust again? I cry into the palms of my hands. I want a love like their’s. Hearing my dad talk so fondly of her always had me crave a love like their’s.I wish I could have saved you that night. I’m sorry, Dad.
* * *
“Mila babe, we need to get you out of bed,” Sophie demands.
I haven’t slept in days, weeks. I’ve been wearing my heart on my sleeve.
“I can't do it, Sophie,” I choke out between sobs. “I’m dead inside.”
“No, you’re not,” she murmurs comfortingly, sitting beside me on the bed. “You're just hurting. You have a beautiful boy down there who needs you.”
She looks exhausted, her eyes flickering with worry. I feel a surge of guilt—while I've been wallowing in my grief, she's been taking care of the studio and looking after Dante.
“You're right.” I nod finally. “I have to be strong and get my shit together. I have an amazing little boy who needs me.”
“That’s my girl. I love you, I’m so worried about you, Mila.”
I sigh loudly, relieving the knots in my chest.
“I’ll admit I’m hurting like a mother fucker. Dante is my light in my darkness I’ll get through it day by day. I’m so tired of crying I think I might be completely out of tears. My nightmares have been more intense. I keep replaying the night of the fire. And Dominic’s betrayal.”
She nods with a slit frown.
“Let’s take it day-by-day. If you still want the therapist, I can go with you.”
“Thank you,” I say earnestly, rubbing my chest soothing the pain burning within.
