Page 85 of One Chance to Stay
I scribbled two words. Simple, and yet they summarized every aspect of my life. I returned the pen and balled up the sheet into a ball. Seamus reached into his pocket and crumbled his sheet in kind.
“Ready?”
He threw his wish into the fire, vanishing between two logs, igniting. I did the same, mine bouncing off a piece of wood and rolling into a pit of glowing charcoal. Not as glamorous, but it caught fire, and seconds later, our wishes had burned, the ash released into the universe.
We stood there for another minute. Would I respect Seamus’s privacy, or could I steamroll him into telling me what he had written? If I asked with a please and thank you, would he reveal his secret? I’d eventually?—
“It’s killing you.”
I let out a lengthy sigh. “Yes! It felt like an eternity.” When he said nothing, I bumped him with my hip. “Are you going to tell me your scandalous wish?”
He shook his head.
“Why not? I swear I won’t?—”
“It was blank.”
Oh.
“I’ve had the same wish since the divorce.”
For anybody else, I’d say the statement dripped of hyperbole, but not with Seamus. For him, routine brought him peace of mind. It wouldn’t shock me to find out every day, he spoke the same phrase to the burly, unkempt man staring back in the mirror.
“I wish…” His voice cracked. His head tipped back, and the heat from his exhale left a plume of white smoke in the air. Whenhis chin dropped, I could see the glimmer of tears streaming down his face. “I wish I was happy.”
Seamus.
His words were like a kick to the stomach. Those were the words of the man who undressed me on our first night together. Lost in a feeling that had never been fulfilled, he isolated himself. I thought his wish might have something to do with loving or connecting with people. I’d have said plenty of people thought highly of him, but this? Only one person could fulfill this wish.
“Are you?”
The orange of the fire flickered in his eye. We stood in silence for another minute as he challenged the flames into a staring contest. When he turned his head, I could see the far side had turned into a grin. He gave a slight nod. “I’m trying.”
“You deserve nothing less. If you ever think otherwise, let me know and I’ll fix that thinking right away.”
He took my hand, his grip powerful enough it’d leave my knuckles aching. Every time our skin connected, my insecurities for the future vanished. I don’t know if I’d ever call myself gay, or if any other man could have won me over, but they didn’t matter. When he bridged the gap, his grip reminded me somebody wanted me as much as I wanted them. I’d need plenty of reminders in the future.
“Abraham.” Would he reveal the secret? “I can still remember his words. ‘Real friends will be waiting when you’re ready.’” The grin transformed into a smile. “He said it seemed I might be ready.”
Screw toxic masculinity. Guiding his hand along my waist, I rested my head on his shoulder. If he were comfortable enough for mild displays of affection, I’d take advantage of it.
“Is it weird to say I’m proud of you? None of this… Us… It can’t be easy.”
“It’s not,” he admitted. “But I have a reason to try.” I choked back a drawn-out aww. “What about you? Did you have a novel-length wish?”
Did Seamus crack a joke? Surely, this meant a horseman dressed in black would ride their steed through the green. If the ground rumbled and opened, I’d blame Seamus.
“There’s a lot of change going on in my life.” I gave him a slight poke to the ribs. “As you well know. It’s scaryandexciting. I came to Firefly to figure out my future.” His arm tightened around my waist. “I wish I’d accept that I’m right where I’m meant to be.”
“This…us…isn’t going to be easy, is it?”
There was no point in lying. “Nope.”
Staring into the fire, I thought about the application to the University of Maine. If accepted, I’d be filling my days with school and my evenings with the bar. Even if I budgeted every minute, I’d be running on fumes. I imagined my social life would become non-existent as I crawled toward my future. Yet, I couldn’t help imagining an open book in my hand while I rested my head on Seamus’s lap. The future I envisioned wasn’t either/or. Both happened at once—and if I had my way, I’d make them fit.
“I wouldn’t change a thing,” I said.
He grunted in agreement.
