Page 65 of Brad & Finn
He turned to his mom, and they spoke at the same time.
“I think I messed up—” he said.
“I’m so sorry, Brad—” she started.
They stopped, and his mom grabbed his hand and squeezed. He tried not to notice how wrinkled and fragile her hand felt. She’d always had small bones, more like a bird than a person. It was why he’d always feared more for her than himself when his dad would fly into one of his rages. It had only happened a few times that he could remember, and then one day, his dad hadn’tbeen there anymore. The dark circles under his mom’s eyes had faded, even as they were replaced by creases and lines. At least they were no longer due to fearful, sleepless nights.
“Sweetie,” his mom started again, and he ran his thumb over her bony knuckles. “I think it’s time we talk. About everything.”
And so, they did. She told him in a soft, measured tone how hard it had been being a single parent, but she said that Brad had been the perfect son, and what a relief that had been…for a while. She apologized, and Brad tried to stop her, but she silenced him by placing her other hand on his arm.
“I’m sorry that you had to be perfect,” she said. “Children aren’t supposed to be perfect. They’re supposed to make mistakes and do dumb things, and most importantly…they’re not supposed to have to take care of their parents. At least, not until we’rea lotolder than I am, even now.”
She thanked him profusely for all his financial help, and again, he tried to stop her, but she soldiered on, going so far as to shush him when he tried to protest.
“And then there’s the way I’ve so unhelpfully tried to push you to date,” she said. “On top of that, the one time you try to tell me that you’ve found someone, someone who could have the potential to make you happy, I mess it all up.”
Brad didn’t protest this time. He felt like he should, but he also heard that tiny voice in his head say that yes, in fact, maybe they had both messed it all up.
“You seem so happy when you’re helping those kids at work.”
“I am,” he said, and at least he knew that much was true.
“I wanted you to have more opportunities to do that. I don’t care about—what was it you said? Making a name for yourself?”
Brad grimaced and looked back out across the field.
“I don’t think you really care about that, either,” she continued. If she had asked him a week ago, he probably would have said that no, he didn’t know that, but things felt differentbetween them now. “I’m not going to insult all you’ve done for me and say I don’t care about the money, but we’re both so much better off than we were when you were little.”
“Or right after college,” he added. Back then, they’d both been drowning in their own bills and barely able to stay afloat.
She nodded. “Or right after you finished college. You’ve done so well for yourself…and for me. But I don’t want you to live your life for me or despite your father. I want you to live it foryou.”
Brad’s butt had gone numb almost twenty minutes ago, and it started to prickle, much like the skin on the back of his neck. “I don’t…know if I know how to do that.”
“Well, I think it starts with figuring out what you want.”
All he could think was that he wanted Finn, but there was no way he could say that to his mom. There was too much history and too much baggage to unpack.
“Just say it, sweetie, because I can see you struggling.”
His mom looked at him like no one, not even Finn, had ever looked at him before. She held his entire history in her hands, and her eyes held enough acceptance that he felt like maybe he really could say what he was thinking.
Brad leaned back and looked up at the stadium lights and the grey sky behind them. “I want…something I don’t think I can have.”
His mom squeezed his hand, and he closed his eyes.
“Is it Finn?” she asked, and Brad nearly fell off the bleachers, but her surprisingly firm grip kept him in place.
“How…how do you know that?”
“I ran into Chloe and Finn last night,” she explained. “We got to talking, and they helped me realize all the pressure I’ve been putting on you. Finn also came out to me. I think maybe so you wouldn’t have to tell me or worry about having this conversation.”
Brad was utterly and completely speechless.
“I feel so guilty that I didn’t immediately support you,” she said. “And not only because Finn has so clearly been your person since high school, but because I truly do support you in absolutely anything and everything you do.”
“Anything and everything?” he asked, though it was less skepticism and more surprise.
