Page 24 of Brad & Finn
Finn scrunched up his nose. “To try and be a reunion fling?”
“Or to be more. It seems like in one day, you’ve already opened up to him a fair bit. What’s the harm in opening up just a little more to see if maybe there’s the potential for something longer lasting—or even just the potential to stay in touch after all this?” Atlas waved their hand around at the decorations.
Finn took the out, not wanting to take up too much more of Atlas’ time. “Speaking of, could I possibly get your number?”
Atlas’ grin lit up their side of the gym. They wandered deeper into the photo collage, chatting and catching up. When they’d looked at almost all the photos, Atlas asked if Finn wanted to get a drink, but Finn told them to go ahead. He wanted a few more minutes by himself before rejoining the crowds.
He got less than a full minute before a strong hand landed on his back. “Wanted to get a head start on the next icebreaker?” Brad asked, his warm voice rolling down Finn’s spine.
“This icebreaker seems like the worst possible activity for me to do,” Finn said, surprising himself with how honest his response was.
He gestured at the photo in front of them, depicting a younger Finn, looking like a baby fawn, uncertain how to hold his limbs when he wasn’t holding a textbook or pompoms.
Brad let out a soft breath, but Finn quickly changed the subject. “I ran into Atlas. I’m not sure if you knew him back in school. Colorful hair, colorful clothes, lots of gender in all directions?”
Brad hummed and stepped around next to Finn, keeping his hand steady on Finn’s back. “The name rings a bell. I’m assuming that’s the blonde I walked by on my way over?”
Finn glanced over his shoulder, but they were almost entirely hidden from view of the gymnasium.
“Yeah, I think that was probably Atlas. I’m sorry you missed them. They’re amazing. We didn’t connect until the end of senior year, and we lost touch after that, but I got their number and…” Finn swallowed and forced himself to say the words he had never once uttered in Gomillion, South Carolina. “And they know I’m trans. I sort of implied it back in high school, but I confirmed it for them today.”
Brad slid his hand around Finn’s waist and pulled him tightly against his side. This wasn’t the kind of casual touch they couldget away with out in the open, but hidden behind the side of the bleachers, Finn assumed it was safe.
“How did that feel?” Brad asked. “Coming out to them?”
Finn exhaled through his nose and chewed on his lip for a moment, trying to find an accurate answer. “It felt…freeing. But also a like just talking to Kendall, Chlo, or…you.”
Brad made a soft, almost pained-sounding noise. “Me?”
Finn glanced up at him but immediately had to look away. He would never be able to speak his mind if he was looking at Brad. There were so many years of history, both theirs and Brad’s own, etched into his face. Instead, Finn spoke to their younger selves.
“Yeah, you. You’ve always made me feel safe. I felt like I could talk to you about anything, but…I just didn’t know back then.”
Finn traced a finger over his image, where he sat pressed between Chloe and Kendall. They were both in sundresses that came close to breaking the no-spaghetti-strap dress code rule, and Finn was in a cheerleading hoodie.
“Sometimes I think I should have known years earlier than I did,” he admitted. “I remember having a conversation with Chloe where I asked her if she ever felt like getting dressed and putting on makeup was like wearing a costume. She thought I meant specifically our cheer uniform, and she said that, yeah, it was sort of like a costume. But that wasn’t what I was getting at. I meant more that anytime I went to the mall with them, it felt like I was going into one of those Halloween superstores, trying to figure out what costume to wear and who I was supposed to be that year.”
To be fair, high school hadn’t beenallbad. The cheerleading team had been required to wear either spirit wear, warm-up clothes, or their uniform to school on alternating days, so he’d only needed to figure out a few other outfits each week. He often wore his sweats and cheer t-shirts on the weekends as well, allowing him to make it through high school without toomuch trouble. Having to dress himself seven days a week while also stumbling through his gender identity in college had been beyond exhausting. On more days than not, he wished someone would tell him what to wear and what to do, and he’d gladly do it.
Unfortunately, he’d never really had a guiding force like that in his life. His dad had been little more than a shadow throughout Finn’s childhood, providing for him monetarily but otherwise leaving him to his own devices. By watching his classmates, he’d figured out a routine and followed it to the letter until going off to college. It had worked for the most part; he’d had several close friends and a team that supported him, even if very few of them knew the real him. While it had been challenging, and he wouldn’teverwant to relive his college years, coming out had helped him become his authentic self, and he’d managed to form a tiny community in Indianapolis.
Standing here with Brad, though, Finn was starting to wonder if he wanted more for himself than that.
“When did you know for sure?” Brad asked.
Finn choked on an inhale, thinking maybe Brad was asking about this most recent thought, but of course, that wasn’t it. “The first time I came out and officially said the words was in college. I started to figure it out at the end of senior year, though.”
Finn could count every muscle that tensed in Brad’s side. “Was that…after the graduation party?”
Now didn’t feel like the right time to delve into it all. He wasn’t sure if there ever would be a right time, or if Brad would take offense at being part of Finn's revelation. “Yeah,” was all he managed to say.
Brad nodded slowly, but he remained tense. “I’ve sort of been wondering if you kissed me knowing already that you were trans—and gay.”
“You were the first guy I ever kissed,” Finn admitted after all these years. “I feel like I knew pretty much nothing when we kissed.”
“Oh,” Brad said, his voice little more than an exhale of breath.
They stood in silence, being watched by their former selves.
