Page 64 of My Hellion, My Heart
Irina went to the terrace edge and gripped the cool stone balustrade. She closed her eyes and leaned forward, sucking in air to clear her head.
“What has happened?” Max asked, his tone firmer than before. As if he were truly vexed.
“You don’t want to marry me,” she said, keeping her own voice low so no one below on the lawns, just beyond the terrace stairs, might overhear.
“Of course I do,” he replied, taking her arm yet again and leading her toward the steps. “Come. I think we need a stroll to get your head on straight, my dear.”
“I shouldn’t, Max. Lana made me promise—”
“It is me, Irina. Your virtue is utterly safe.”
“But if we’re seen—”
“This is the problem,” Max said, leading her down the steps and onto the grass. “What do you care if we are seen? Haven’t we made this decision already? I’m going to propose. You’re going to accept. We will be married. So if someone stumbles upon us in the shadows of this lawn, it won’t matter in the least.”
When he put it like that, no, it wouldn’t matter. If she were going to accept his suit and go through with the marriage, the whole guest list could come upon them skulking about in the gardens and there wouldn’t be a problem at all. And why shouldn’t she marry Max? She couldn’t have Henry, and he was the only other man she’d ever want as a husband. But was that a good enough reason? It wasmarriage. A lifetime of commitment, a forever choice. And she did nothaveto marry in order to go home and never see Lord Langlevit or his beautiful bride again.
She wasn’t ready. Perhaps if she hadn’t come upon Henry in that waterfall pool, or if he hadn’t touched her and brought her to raptures, or if she had not then been able to play billiards with him and then walk with him so companionably at Hartstone, she might be ready to give up. To let go of any hope. Any dreams.
She knew he cared for her. Hehadto care for her, even if he did not want her for a wife, even if he’d already proposed and decided to stick by his proposal. Even knowing all of that, Irina could not let go.
“Max, I’ve made a mistake.”
He stopped her just beyond the trellis arch, blooming with roses and ivy and blocking a clear view of the terrace.
“Don’t do this,” he said. “Don’t give up your chance at happiness because you’re still clinging to hope.”
“Marrying you is not my only chance at happiness.”
“And what of my chance?” Max released her and ran his fingers through his hair, clutching the blond strands at the crown of his head. “You have no idea what it is like, being rejected by your own kin. Your own father. To be sent away because you’re an embarrassment. You have no idea what it’s like to live on a clock, quickly winding down, knowing soon…you’ll have nothing.”
Irina tried to sharpen her eyes through the darkness, wanting to see his face. She only saw him release his hair, his arms falling at his sides.
“What do you mean,soon you’ll have nothing?”
He exhaled long and loud, and she got the feeling he was about to part with a secret. “I was disowned, Irina. My title stripped away. My cousin will inherit everything, and when he does…I’ll be cut off. My father made certain to tell me as much. Enjoy my sinning while I can, he advised. When he’s dead, I’m on my own.” In the shadows, she saw him hang his head. Irina’s heart ached for him. She took his hands in hers.
“I didn’t know,” she whispered.
“Irina, if I don’t have you…I thought that I would at least have you. That I wouldn’t be left alone,” he said. “In Paris, you accepted me for who I am. You’ve become my light in all of this.”
She squeezed his hands, uncertain how to reply. She didn’t know if his father was ailing or not, but soon Max would be cut off. If his cousin inherited everything, Max’s mother would be cared for but not to such an extent that she could send him thousands of pounds every year. He didn’t know how to work. He didn’t know how to earn a living wage. What on earth would he do?
“I thought you would be my friend,” he went on.
“Oh, Max, I am your friend,” she said, feeling torn and frustrated. It made her stomach churn angrily. Had he only wanted her for her dowry? She shook her head. No, Max had been there for her, and the idea for him to put his hand in the marriage pot had been hers. She’d led them both here…she’d given him false hope.
“I thought you wanted this,” Max whispered, and Irina could feel the gust of his breath against her cheek. She hadn’t realized they’d come to be standing so close. “I thought you wanted me this way. You care for me, don’t you?”
Irina closed her eyes, consumed with guilt. How could she not help him? How could she say no? She couldn’t. Max was her friend, and he needed her. There was only one answer to give: “I do.”
Chapter Eighteen
Henry came to an abrupt halt. Irina’s voice had traveled through the darkened lawn, from the other side of the rose trellis. Beside him, Rose also pulled to a stop, a small gasp escaping her lips.
“I do,” Irina repeated.
Henry had heard Lord Remi’s words seconds before.I thought you wanted me this way. You care for me, don’t you?
