Page 89 of No Such Thing as Serendipity
“Aw, come on,” Dana said. “I thought we were supposed to be vulnerable and share.” Her tone dripped with sarcasm.
“While the goal is openness, we don’t force participants to talk,” Robyn said in a measured tone. “They’ll share when they’re ready. It’s part of the rules of the sharing circle.”
Dana let out a snort. No way Robyn could have missed it, but she ignored it.
“Again, I apologize, Blake.”
She’d just reduced everything that had happened as a mistake. Angry thoughts raced through my mind, wanting to escape my mouth. I felt everyone’s gaze on me, waiting for my response, but I didn’t plan on giving Robyn the satisfaction, especially since her apology negated everything I’d felt.Damn it.I wasn’t supposed to be feeling anything.
Embarrassment washed over me. I’d spent all day yesterday thinking about Robyn and replaying the dance over in my mind. And I’d reacted horribly to Dana because of it. And here, Robyn hadn’t given it a second thought, other than to determine it was a huge mistake—a professional error in judgment.
I’d thought she’d canceled yesterday because she was wrestling with her own feelings. What a joke. She’d not even thought enough about me to cancel.
I glanced at Emma, who was glaring at me. If she’d been sitting beside me, I knew she’d elbow me and tell me to respond. Robyn continued to look at me, which I expected everyone was doing, while Dana sat next to Robyn with a smirk on her face.
“Anything you want to say, Blake?” Emma finally said.
I shrugged but didn’t speak.
A flash of pain flashed in Robyn’s eyes before she said, “Very well. Shall we talk about how the experience yesterday made the group feel?”
Who was I kidding? It couldn’t have been pain. I sucked at emotion charades. It was relief. She’d made a mistake, and she was off the hook.
The others threw out answers, while all mine stayed in my mind.Confused. Exhilarated. Confused. Happy. Sad. Confused. Angry. Hurt. Confused.As my thoughts pinged, the room became warmer, and the walls closed in on me. I wanted to leave, but it would bring unwanted attention, so I sat and stared at a spot on the wall a few feet from Robyn. It would appear I was paying attention when I hadn’t heard a word anyone said.
The group had been having a lively discussion for the past half hour, but I’d proudly remained silent, not willing to give Robyn the satisfaction of my participation.
“What about that damned ear bleeding music?” Annie said. “Day-um, that shit was bad.”
“How about you, Blake?” Robyn said. “How did the heavy metal music make you feel?”
After half an hour of my silence, why did Robyn decide to ask me this question? I met her gaze and held it. “Angry.”
“Snap,” Dana said, snapping her fingers. “I don’t believe Blake has recovered from that feeling.” Dana laughed. “Hey, Robyn, maybe you should reconsider the music you choose.”
Robyn didn’t break eye contact with me. “Would you like to elaborate?”
“Nope.” I put an emphasis on the p, making a popping sound as I said it. My eyes blazed, daring Robyn to violate her own code. She advocated for giving us the space to share at the level we were comfortable with. Would she honor it?
She pursed her lips, and I could see her thoughts churning. Eventually, she broke eye contact with me and glanced at the ground.
Victory!I’d stared her down, so why did it leave me feeling so empty?
“Would anyone else like to weigh in?” Robyn asked.
Emma was the first to speak, bailing Robyn out. I wanted to be angry with Emma, but how could I? My hostility must have confused her as much as it confused me.
The last twenty minutes stretched forever. I remained stoic, with my arms crossed over my chest. Dana had a perpetual smirk and interjected snarky comments wherever she could. The hardest part was watching Robyn, who did everything not to look at me. As her gaze swept the circle, her eyes shifted, so she looked over my head, so our eyes never met.
I wondered if anyone else noticed. Emma surely did. The only positive of Dana sitting next to Robyn was at her angle, she wouldn’t see it.
When Robyn closed the meeting with a moment of quiet reflection, I closed my eyes and tried to still my thoughts. My overwhelming thought wasget me the hell out of here.I didn’t care what class Emma chose for me, as long as it was far away from Robyn. I’d do vulnerability ballet or verbal vomit bingo with any other instructor.
As soon as Robyn told us to open our eyes, I leaped to my feet. I’d almost escaped when I heard, “Blake, may I have a moment?”
Fuck.I kept walking as if I didn’t hear her.
“Blake. Teacher’s pet,” Dana called loudly. “You’re being summoned.”
