Page 109 of No Such Thing as Serendipity
“I regret letting it go on.” Robyn’s guilt was palpable. “Several times I moved to stop it, but then I sensed a breakthrough, so I didn’t interfere. I should have.”
“We can agree to disagree,” I said to her. “I know myself, so does Em.” I squeezed Emma tighter. “I’m hardheaded. I don’t break easily, so she had to drive me to my knees, or I would’ve just deflected and moved on.”
“But did I break you too much?” Emma asked.
“I’m gonna have one hell of a vulnerability hangover.”
Everyone laughed.
“I cannot believe I lost my shit like that.” I rubbed my chest. “I’ve seen stuff like that in the movies, but I never thought it was real. Damn.”
The smiles that greeted me warmed my heart. Despite my embarrassment, I didn’t feel as awful as I thought I would. While the emotional release terrified me, it marked the beginning of my healing.
“Can I ask something?” Robyn’s expression was serious.
“Yeah.”
“Do you have insight into why you try to control everything?”
I smiled. “I’m taking it by your question you do.”
Robyn returned my smile. “Possibly, but I want to hear your thoughts.”
“When Auntie Bess was with us, they were the happiest years of our lives, weren’t they, Em?” I said.
“They were. Auntie Bess was so much fun. She made us all laugh, especially our mom.” Emma leaned against me. “Blake is a lot like her. Has the same playful sense of humor when she lets herself.” Emma’s face fell. “Everything changed, though.”
“It was a dark time when she died.” I sighed. “Mom was always at her to quit smoking, but she never did. For a long time, I blamed Auntie Bess. Maybe I still do. At the time, I believed she loved cigarettes more than she did us.”
“Most people don’t think it’ll happen to them,” Helena said. “It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you enough.”
“I know that up here.” I pointed to my head. “But my heart didn’t always listen.”
“It was harder since our mom never got over losing her,” Emma said.
A lump caught in my throat. “In a lot of ways, we lost our mom when we lost Auntie Bess.”
“It’s true. Mom was a shell of herself. Auntie Bess picked up the pieces when Dad left us, but nobody did when she went away.” Emma looked across the table at Robyn. “Blake adored, worshiped Auntie Bess. Even though I was the oldest, Auntie Bess gave Blake the role of protector.”
Could I say, in front of everyone, what I’d felt for so many years? If I wanted to be free, I had to. “And I failed.”
“What?” Emma said. “You didn’t fail.”
“Dad left us.”
“You were three.”
I nodded. “Then Auntie Bess died, and I couldn’t stop that, either.”
“No, Blake,” Emma said. “You can’t—”
“Okay, maybe I couldn’t stop those things, but then I let Mom slip away, and Auntie Bess told me to keep everyone together.” My breath caught in my throat.
“And we’ve come full circle to my question.” Robyn’s eyes glistened. “Is that why you try to control everything?”
I shrugged, feeling exposed and vulnerable.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to answer,” Robyn said.
