Page 93 of Wolf Caged
Not only that, but I had begged him to take me. I had offered up my body on a platter to him.
And he had turned me down.
Both my wolf and my human side flinched at that, his rejection lodged in the two halves of our shared soul like a dagger. He had paid handsomely for my virginity, and when I had thought he would claim what he had bought, he had looked so hard and so cold, so very distant from me, as if he hadn’t really been there with me.
And had told me ‘no’.
Not once, but twice.
I cringed as I recalled what I had said to him to earn that second refusal. I had asked him to find me a male who would fuck me.
“Kill me now,” I muttered into the covers, burrowing deeper into them. “I’m such a fool.”
I should have seen it last night when he had come to me and taken responsibility for my situation, and had told me he would take care of my needs. He had been distant when he had rejected me because he had been going through the motions, pleasuring me to ease the burden of the responsibility he felt, not because he wanted me.
And I was a fool because in that moment I had wanted him.
Still wanted him.
I sank into the maelstrom of my emotions, overwhelmed by them as one after another clues revealed themselves to me, things I had missed last night while lost to lust.
Like the fact he hadn’t taken any pleasure for himself, had only focused on me.
And that he hadn’t been here when I had awoken, and I couldn’t scent him on the pillows, so he hadn’t stayed for even a moment.
How badly had he wanted to leave the whole time he was with me?
How quickly had he escaped after ordering me to rest once my fever had broken thanks to his skilful mouth and fingers?
“Oh gods. I’m a blind idiot.” I rolled onto my front, tucked into a ball still, wrapped in the blankets like a shifter burrito.
Had he returned to the celebrations after he had dealt with me out of a sense of duty, seeking himself a better, more beautiful female to satisfy his needs? Had he indulged like the other males the moment he hadn’t felt a need to watch over me?
I banged my head against the mattress, groaning and silently beseeching the land to really open up and swallow me, or transport me far away from this castle and its king.
And then I shoved up onto my hands and knees, refusing to let another male break me, to let the pleasure I had felt last night become pain that tormented me. I had done nothing wrong. I had been vulnerable, in pain, desperately in need of a male to break my heat. Many female wolves had been in the same position as I had and they hadn’t let it beat them.
I wouldn’t either.
Several females at my pack hadn’t found their mate yet, and whenever their heat hit them, they had their pick of the single males, all of them more than happy to service their needs and help them through their heat. No feelings were involved in the nights they spent together, sating the demands of the mating frenzy. Sometimes females took a different male each night, and when the heat had broken, things all went back to normal. No messy emotions. No thinking they had a right to the other or were now a couple.
If I had been back at my pack, all of them would have stepped up to help me.
Kaeleron had done just that.
And I could be like any female at my pack and accept that his help had been needed, and I was grateful for it, but now it was done. That moment between us, we had been different people.
Now things would return to normal.
No messy emotions.
I shuffled to the edge of the bed and padded barefoot to the windows, flinging the shutters and then the windows open, letting light and a warm sea breeze into my stuffy room. No messy emotions. Kaeleron had done me a service. That was all.
It didn’t mean anything.
“I shall go for a walk,” I announced to no one in particular, needing to say it aloud to give myself the courage to do it. “If I run into him, things will be normal and not at all awkward.”
I was getting very good at lying to myself these days.
