Page 19 of Texts From My Exes
“He’s tall,” Ezra finally supplied. “Really tall. Muscular. She’d go on and on about the size of his?—”
I choked mid-swallow.
“—heart!” he finished, with zero remorse.
Ezra grinned. “Yeah, that’s it. His massive, ginormous, hardened-but-found-its-softness heart.”
I was going to kill him.
Mom took a deep, dreamy breath and smiled up at the ceiling like she was imagining her daughter’s future AI boyfriend in glorious HD.
That was when Dad walked in, burped, set his flip phone on the counter, and sneezed.
“Dog’s knocked up again,” he announced.
“She’snotknocked up, she’s just fat,” Mom said sharply. “Now you’re interrupting. Harper was just telling me about Vex!”
Dad barked out a laugh, slapping his hand against the counter. “Honey, he’s clearly gay. A man that perfect? Doesn’t exist. And if he does, he’s just looking for a lavender marriage—which is totally fine by me. I’d take a nice gay son-in-law any day. One who knows to cut flowers for my daughter, set them on the counter, make her breakfast, watch reality TV…”
He paused. “You deserve a friend who’ll cry overThe Bachelorwith you and won’t steal your boyfriends—wait. Actually, I guess hecouldsteal a boyfriend from you. Huh.Didn’t think that through. Well, I’m sure there are rules for that sort of thing.”
I deadpanned, “Don’t know, Dad. Never really considered a lavender marriage since my dating life isoverflowingwith stellar options.”
Honestly, the idea was looking better by the day—especially since I was activelyhiringVex.
“Anyway,” I said brightly, pasting on my best fake smile, “It’s fine. Between these guys, Vex included, and all the organization Ezra nearly had an orgasm over, I’m going viral. Everything’s going to plan. Totally fine. Right, Ezra?”
Ezra nodded slowly. “Data doesn’t lie. And Vex seems like the one who’s going to come out the clear winner… in more ways than one.”
I bit my lip. “I’m sure he’ll say all the right things.”
Ezra leaned forward, plucked a cinnamon roll from the plate, and placed it on his own. “He’ll know all your favorite foods. The things that make you laugh. The things that make you cry. And on paper, he’s just… perfect. Why didn’t it work out again? I mean, potential sexual orientation aside?”
I cleared my throat and, for once, told the truth. “Because he reminded me of my best friend. Only… he actually wants to bang me, you know?”
Ezra froze mid-reach.
Dad burst out laughing. “Yeah, I always wondered why you two never hooked up. Then I realized there was no sexual charge. Good riddance. Last thing this family needs is a tech-savvy social media lover.”
Ezra didn’t miss a beat, yelling,“X!”
The sneezing started up again, punctuating every bite and half-baked argument for the next thirty minutes. Until Grandma Blue graced us with her opinionated presence. Then the sneezing stopped, the alcohol consumption went up, and Istarted feeling a migraine. And Ezra, bless his soul, was the one that had to sit next to her.
And I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, nope. Rather, I lifted my glass and saluted him. Payback’s a bitch.
CHAPTER
NINE
EZRA
…And to set the record straight I had a very extreme reaction to cabbage and yes I did tell you about it multiple times but you ignored me because you said you hated vegetables and that I was boring…I still miss you though, do you by chance still have the Frey shirt I loaned you?
— Ken
The brunch table continued to be utter chaos a half hour later when Harper’s Grandma Blue decided to finally show up. Yes, that was her nickname, no, I wasn’t told why she was called it, but when I asked the question at my first brunch I was met with silence and Harper’s dad making a cross in front of his chest like someone had died, so I left it alone. Blue it was! I checked my phone for more updates and started in on another bite of sausage when I heard the throat clearing, actually no, it was more of a felt before I heard, like the winds swiftly changing or the earth stopping it’s turn a bit to make room for whatever grandma was about to say.
Grandma immediately started in on critiquing the filming schedule like she was running her own network. “It’s hard onyou, Harper, I know it’s summer but you should be having fun too!”
