Page 45 of Texts From My Exes
Me
Help. Not date or kissing or dick related, shocking I know, and I hope you’re hydrating now that you’re amongst all the other women, Microsoft word hits hard sometimes and you know how AI gets cranky when you talk shit about it in front of the printer. I need my classroom theme.
He typed back right away.
Ezra
Excel was no joke this morning, my AI greeted me with compliments which I took as real because they made me feel good—god I think I might already be in love with her, or maybe it’s because she lets me call her Stella and I can scream it in the office without feeling off. Anyways, why don’t you do Perseverance? It’s something you have experience in right now, and can talk about. While they aren’t rocket scientists, it’s good for kids to learn at an early age that life sucks and will let you down and try to kill you dead, so learn how to swim or you might sink and get eaten by sharks or something even more terrifying like giant squid.
Me
You were doing so good for a minute there too.
Ezra
Ocean life talk triggered me. I blame myself. And SeaQuest.
Me
Yet you still watch the show like it wasn’t canceled eons ago only to be replaced in your heart by StarGate.
Ezra
Are you trying to turn me on?
Me
Is it working?
Ezra
I will neither confirm nor deny but did you know that male dolphins form alliances with other male dolphins in order to win the female dolphin’s heart? It’s like they created Hunger Games but for mating.
Me
And on that note…and what happens when one dolphin betrays the other?
Ezra
I’m assuming death.
Me
Soooooo perseverance?
Ezra
Absolutely, oh and I know we’re out of coconut milk but the Co-Op only had that one brand where you have to shake the chunks out and I figured the last thing we need is your rage in the morning on top of your already chipper attitude, so I’ll stop off later and grab it at the store on the other end of town. Anything else you need grocery wise?
I smiled down at my phone.
Me
You trying to turn me on now with grocery list talk?
Ezra
Eggs, beef…wait for it…cabbage.
