Page 3 of Texts From My Exes
“Ezra—”
“—We can’t technically prove he was there during the robbery,” Ezra clarified helpfully.
I threw my hands. “Right! Thank you.”
He winced. “But wecanprove he used your Netflix account to streamPrison Breakat 3AM from the scene.”
I squinted. “That’s still circumstantial.”
He didn’t dignify that with a response.
Instead, he slapped up the next photo. “Ex number two:The Himbo.”
“I thought we weren’t calling him that anymore.” I chewed my fingernail.
Ezra shrugged. “When you told him your grandma died he replied with a, ‘That’s hot.’”
I groaned and shoved more almonds into my mouth.
“Ex number three:The Motivator.He now runs an online community for men looking to ‘unlock their inner beast’ by quitting deodorant and punching trees.”
“Ilikedhis ambition,” I mumbled. “At least he had purpose.”
Ezra goes quiet and then. “You Venmo’d him five hundred dollars so he could ‘launch his brand.’ He used it to buy a gimbal and film himself screaming shirtless in a Whole Foods parking lot.”
“You said you weren’t going to judge!” Why was I raising my voice? He was helping. Helping!
“Am I judging? I feel like I’m just presenting facts.” He taped the paper to the whiteboard and continued by slapping up another page.
I felt that slap reverberate through the apartment.
“Ex number four:The Pyramid Schemer.”
I let out a dreamy sigh. “He was at least areallygood kisser.”
His eyes narrowed or at least I think they did with the way his nose scrunched up. “He also tried to get you to invest in a ‘supplement empire.’ Which brings us to?—”
We both turned to look behind me at the stack of unused protein powder tubs labeledHerculean: Power Starts with You.
“You don’t even have a gym membership,” Ezra said flatly.
Did good kisser mean nothing to him? “I wasgoingto try lifting.”
His eyebrows raised. “Lifting what? Your dignity?”
I threw an almond at his head. He dodged to the side completely unfazed.
“And finally...” He paused, expression unreadable. “Ex number five. Your little AI boyfriend.”
He full on grinned, it was mocking, and I refused to let out the little gasp that followed when I remembered how pretty his smile was. “What’s his name again?”
I hesitated.
“Vex,” I whispered into my hand.
Ezra blinked. “Wait. You reallynamedhim?”
I snatched the Monster from his hands and drank it like holy water. “He’s the perfect composite. Everything I ever wanted. Loyal. Smart. Hot but doesn’t know it. I made him up in the middle of a breakdown, and honestly? I regret nothing.”
