Page 65 of Leave No Trace
Jane pressed the rock to her mouth before kneeling and rearranging the stones circling the firepit, nestling the agate into a spot like a diamond in a ring.
‘Aren’t those valuable?’ Josiah asked.
‘It’s hers,’ she said, choking up as she patted it into place. ‘She’ll find it.’
‘She’s alive?’
Jane looked up, startled.
‘I’m sorry, I just... from the way you’re acting and being here alone and all, I thought maybe something happened to her.’
‘She’s fine. Now she’s fine, now that I’m gone.’ She turned back to the fire, eyes vacant, and arms hanging limp at her sides. ‘I was the one who was killing her. Every day, being around me, trying to make me okay, to be okay for both of us. I tried medication, but it made me worse. I did something terrible. And I couldn’t bear for her to watch if I did something terrible again. So I left.’
‘You left your daughter?’
‘She’s with my husband. She’s twelve now. Almost a woman.’ Then she saw the outrage in Josiah’s expression. ‘It’s better this way.’
He couldn’t sit any longer, couldn’t listen to this. ‘I was going out of my mind in that police station, not knowing if Lucas was okay. I would do anything for him, protect him from any danger.’
‘What if it was you?’ Slowly, she uncurled herself and rose to her feet. ‘What if the most dangerous thing to your child was you?’
She stared him down and, when he had no reply, glanced up the hill where a single light illuminated the bedroom in which Lucas slept. Then she turned and walked into the shadows, disappearing between the shoreline and the trees. Josiah sat there for another hour, watching the fire die and not understanding anything about the last two days of his life, especially not why he felt compelled to stay and keep watch, putting himself between Jane’s empty eyes and his son.
The next morning when Josiah woke up, Jane was gone. He fed Lucas Popsicles and made coffee, noticing her car in the driveway. They could take it and leave, but Lucas’s eyes were still glassy and dull, and where would they go? He didn’t have to be back at work until Monday and as far as the police were concerned, he had a registered permit that said he was camping in the Boundary Waters. He paced through the woods around the cabin and down to the lake, realizing Jane’s canoe was gone. Squinting over the open water, blinded by the reflected sun, he wished he could trade places with her, that he and Lucas could paddle out and just keep going, never looking back. It would take strength, he thought, staring at the agate by the firepit, and he had strength. He had will. The dangers in the wilderness were all external, and together he and Lucas could face every one.
That night Lucas ate some canned soup and bread and took a cool bath by himself before going back to bed.
‘Where’s the lady?’ he asked. ‘The one you were fighting with?’
Josiah frowned at the window, unsure if the sound from the bonfire had carried last night or whether Lucas had experienced another hallucination. Later, after Lucas drifted off to sleep and the sun was setting through the trees, Jane came back. She looked unbalanced, exhausted from paddling and flushed from the wind. Glancing at Josiah as if surprised to still see him there, she dropped into the nearest chair and held her head.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said from across the room. ‘We can leave tomorrow if you’ll give us a ride to my car. It’s not too far.’
She made a noise he couldn’t decipher.
‘We’ll wash up the sheets before we go. And I can pay you.’
At that, she shook her head violently.
‘No, really. You helped us and I appreciate it.’
Pushing herself up, Jane staggered into Lucas’s room. Josiah came to the doorway to see Jane rocking back and forth at the head of the bed, clutching something in her hand.
Crossing to her in two steps, he hissed, ‘What are you doing?’
She blinked in slow motion and now that he was close to her he could smell the sweet stink of wine rising off her skin. Pulling her out of the room, he half carried her to the steps and shoved her toward them.
‘Maya.’ She reached past Josiah, struggling to go back to Lucas. He grabbed her by the arms and pushed her up the steps.
‘That’s not Maya. That’s my son and we’ll be gone the minute you sober up and drive us to our car. Got it?’
She braced herself against the wall, looking like she might vomit, then nodded carefully. ‘They’re different from us. They won’t
be us.’
When she looked up her face was dry, composed, and she transferred something into his hand, the thing she’d been holding. ‘Some people are strong and beautiful and not even glaciers can destroy them. Others are weak and brittle, and the best thing they can do is birth a gemstone.’
‘You’re not weak, you’re drunk,’ he said, even as she started to tremble and shake.
