Page 92 of Paradox
I look at him with wide eyes that say;I didn’t ask for no reason.
“Where the fuck do you think they’d grow?”
“It’s not like I’ve ever noticed flowers growing in the snow.”
“Yeah, well… Neither had I until the other day.”
“Do you think we should just go back then?”
“What the fuck is your problem?” The rage in Eden’s eyes as he walks back towards me is far too reminiscent of when I first arrived, and with his final step, he pushes me into the snow. “Why the hell do I even bother with you? It doesn’t matter what I do, you always find something to complain about!”
Shocked by his sudden outburst, it takes me several seconds to get my composure back before standing up. “I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.”
“You haven’t stopped complaining since we left the cabin.”
That’s because I didn’t want to leave the cabin.
It’s Christmas Eve, and all I’ve wanted to do all day is have Eden by my side, huddled together on the couch watching corny holiday movies.
Since the night on the stairs he’s refused to do anything but kiss me, no matter how hard I beg. He’ll disappear for hours on end then lock himself up in the shed and forbid me from entering. So when he suddenly suggested we go looking for new flowers for the tree, I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the idea, but I was willing to take any chance just to get near him again.
The thought had crossed my mind that perhaps a change in scenery would spark some deeper desire in him. Something more primal. Something much, much more forceful than the sprinkles of affection I’ve been living off of. I mean, they are hot and all, but it's hard to go from oily fingers in your ass to just making out. At this point I’d give up food for days just to tastehim. To finally know what the weight of him feels like in my mouth.
“All I wanted to do was spend time with you.”
“Fuck you!” he yells in my face and pushes me so hard in the chest he knocks the wind straight out of me as I fall completely flat in the snow. “This isn’t a romantic vacation. There are a lot of pieces that have to keep working together to keep life going like it has been. And I’m the one who's doing it all. You sit on your ass most of the day with your face in a damn book. Then when I come in at night, I’m met with a sour look if I don’t acknowledge you within the first ten seconds.”
It’s taking everything for me not to cry because why can’t we ever seem to move on from here?
“Look at me!” he yells again, but I just keep staring up at the tree tops and the blue sky and clouds that are peeking through. “Fucking look at me, you little prick!” Eden’s hands are on Tek’s jacket and he’s pulling me out of the snow to dangle in front of him.
My insides are aching, but my face is blank, and my eyes aren’t focused on anything.
He slams me up against a tree. “Goddamnit, Jin. Look at me!”
“I’m sorry,” I say, but I’m not sure if it’s an apology to Eden, or myself.
He slides me to the ground.
“Why won’t you look at me?” His voice is much softer now.
I push his arms off of me, and when he doesn’t try to stop me, I lock eyes with him, only to close them a split second later and walk away. “I’ll leave you alone.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he calls out to me.
I keep walking back towards the cabin, hoping he’ll let me go without any more pushing and shoving. I miss him being physical. But not like that. And I won’t put up with it any more than I’ll put up with being anyone’s liability.
“Get back here, Jintae.”
With my sights set on the smoke rising from the cabin’s chimney, I keep moving forward.
I can hear Eden behind me the whole way back, but he never gets closer.
He never says another word.
With the ill-fitting snowshoes off, I let myself in and begin gathering my stuff. After taking my spare clothes off the drying rack, I shove them in my duffle. Then with my toothbrush and Brave New World safely inside, I’m straight back out the door.
On the porch, I’m met by Eden’s giant form blocking the screen exit. “What are you doing?”
