Page 86 of Paradox
But aside from all that, in the here and now; I don’t want to answer for my whereabouts, or ask permission in the first place. I don't want him in my bed. And most of all, I don’t want this guilt. The guilt of everything, all scrunched up with only one piece of tape and a messy bow trying to hold it all together.
It shouldn’t feel like this after so little time.
I shouldn’t want to taste his cum, but also feel tugged to run out the front door as soon as I’ve swallowed it…
Jin pushes all the mushrooms together into one pile with the knife, then sets it down on the chopping board. With his hands flat on the counter, he waits several seconds, then opens the cupboard beside him and bends down to get a bowl. My sweats stretch tight over his ass, and—my god—I wanna pull them down and eat him. I wanna devour every last inch of him whole.
I wanna see him unravel, completely losing his sanity because of me.
I wanna corrupt him.
I wanna break him.
I wanna keep him my dirty little secret.
When Jin opens the powdered milk, I know I need to move on. But as my hand reaches for the bathroom door, it’s quickly retracting, and, like a magnet, it’s pulling me back to him. Settling in his hair, I comb my fingers through it two times then kiss him on the top of the head.
Nothing said, and nothing more done, I retreat into the bathroom and quickly turn on the shower to drown out any sound of him because I just made it even harder. And that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know who I am around him.
The too hot water doesn’t help either, it only forces me to consider how he feels. And then it starts all over again; that relentless cycle ofI want him but I shouldn’t have him.
Taking half a step forward, I let the water hit the top of my head and send my hair streaming in every direction. After god knows how long, I push it all back and lean against the slate tiles. With my forehead resting against my arm and the water running down my back, I don’t hear the bathroom door open, but I do hear the shower screen as it slides along its tracks.
Still without a word spoken between us, Jin steps in behind me. His hands are instantly on my waist, wrapping around my middle. Then his head leans against my back, and…
He just hugs me.
And I just accept it.
I’ve been making decorations all morning. Not because I want to, but because, for some reason, Eden wants to celebrate Christmas. I still don’t see the point when it’s only the two of us, but for the next five days I’ll put on a happy face for him and pretend I’m looking forward to it as well.
Without much to work with, I’ve been tying bundles of newspaper strips together with twine to make little pom-poms. And now I’m using duct tape to stick slightly larger strips together into one of those ring garlands you make in kindergarten. But hey, it’s still better than playing Gran Turismo.
The flowers Eden found really are pretty, and they look good on the tree, but they won’t last. They’ll be wilted by tomorrow, maybe sooner because of how close they are to the fire.
We made breakfast together with minimal conversation. It kind of just happened, but without any of the affection from the shower spilling over into it.
As soon as he was dressed, Eden returned to the bathroom to brush his teeth while I started the process of making powdered eggs and milk taste like something you can look forward to eating.
“Do you feel like fish for lunch?”
“We just ate.”
“It’s one-thirty.”
“Piss off,” I curse at the garland and throw it across the table.
Eden puts the controller down to look at me. “Why don’t you call it a day?”
“I’ll call it a freaking year. This tree isn’t getting anymore of my time.”
“Who’s gonna decorate it then?”
I pick up a handful of pom-poms and throw them at him. “You are.”
“Hey now,” he says while collecting them. “You just made these. They’ll get scrunched up if you treat them like that.”
“It’s newspaper on an illegally cut down tree. Who gives a crap?”
