Page 65 of Paradox
“Never have I ever…” My mouth feels so dry even though I’ve not stopped drinking. “Jerked off in the shower of this cabin.Today.”
The sip I take does little to quench my thirst, especially seeing as Jin has raised his drink, but instead of drinking, he’s looking at me with a sly little smile.
“So are you drinking or not?”
“I wasn’t in the shower.”
“So you can’t drink then,” I whisper back.
He lowers his glass so it’s sitting on the rug beside him, but he doesn’t let it go. “You’ve got one more.”
It seems like we’re only communicating in breathy, hushed tones at this point.
“Never have I ever…” I take in a shaky breath. I know what I want to say, and I know what I want his answer to be. But once the words have been spoken, there’s no going back. “Never have I ever watched someone… while…”
Jin's eyes rise from the rug. “They jerked off?”
I nod, and let out a shameful huff of air as he takes half the remaining liquid into his mouth—his Adam’s apple catching my eye as he swallows it down.
“My turn.” I can barely hear him, but I also know exactly what he’s saying. “Never have I ever watched someone jerk off…through a window.” His voice is shaky, his face is tinged pink, and my god I need him to take another fucking drink. But he doesn’t. He just sits there, frozen. Like his brain is buffering. Then, when I think I’m going to fucking explode, he moves so he’s kneeling, puts down his drink, and faces me head on. “Never have I ever watched someone jerk off…” He looks over his shoulder to the front door. “Throughthatwindow.”
“Fucking hell, Jin,” I mutter, unable to move or take my eyes off of him.
“Are you mad?”
I straighten out one of my legs and crack my neck.
This is all my fault. I opened this can of worms out of complete narcissism, and now I’m ready to tip them all over the floor.
“Never have I ever wanted you to… look at me… while I was…”
“Jerking off?” First his left hand is on the rug, then his right. Then it's painful how slowly he's crawling towards me. “Did you want me to watch you?”
“I think so.”
“I wanted to watch you.”
He’s close enough for me to reach out and touch. But I’m too much of a coward. Too frightened. Too ashamed. “Did you like it?”
Far braver than I’ll ever be, he puts his hand on my shin.
I look down at it.
It weighs a ton.
It, his presence, everything he’s admitted to, it’s all so heavy it feels like I’m being forced through the floor. And when I look up, his face doesn’t look nearly as innocent as it did ten minutes ago.
“I wanted to watch you again.”
“Did you?”
“I never had the chance… Not until those filthy cheerleaders.”
“Would you rather there was a cheerleader here for you now?”
Jin’s hand slides up over my knee to my thigh as he asks, "Do you wish there was one here foryou?”
He digs his fingers into my leg when I don’t answer. So high on my thigh. So mind numbingly close. And that’s all it takes for me to realize how hard I am.
